WHEN FROG SAID NO

There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink 5 inches.

He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks “frog, will you marry me?”
The frog says “no” And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, “Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it’s still too big.” So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: “Frog, will you marry me?”
Frog: “No, I won’t marry you.”

The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But that’s still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: “Frog, will you marry me?”

Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!

PHONE A FRIEND

One Night After Watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire… A man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, “Not tonight dear, I have a headache.” The man replied, “Is that your final answer?” She said “Yes.” “OK, then I’d like to phone a friend.” he replied.

JUST A LIL ASSIGNMENT

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little CHARLIE , knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little CHARLIE walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what CHARLIE  had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period,” reported CHARLIE. “Well I can see that,” she said, “But what is so exciting about a period.” “Damned if I know,” said CHARLIE , “But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”

PERVERT

A little boy is sitting in the barber’s chair and becoming anxious, so the barber gives him a tootsie roll to keep him quiet. As the barber trims his bangs, loose hair falls over his face. “Do you have hair on your goodie?” asks the barber. “Don’t be silly, you old pervert! I’m only eight years old!”

A TRIBAL DEATH

Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, “Death or Booka?!”. Well the explorer doesn’t want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the cheif then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The cheif calls the second explorer to the front and asks, “Death or Booka?!”. Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The cheif rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, “Death or Booka?!”. Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams “DEATH BY BOOKA!”

A SCARY HINT !!!!!

A hunter kills a deer and bring it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won’t eat it if they know what it is so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, “What’s for supper?” “You’ll see”, says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they’re eating. “Ok,” says her dad, “here’s a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me.” “We’re eating asshole!!”, she screams

IT’S A BOY!!!!!!!!

Santa Singh was waiting eagerly as his wife was delivering a baby .It was a very long wait for him.Finally the nurse came out holding the baby in her hands.Santa Singh holds the  baby and starts shouting 
” OYE PUTTAR HUA HAI “.
The nurse screams in an irritated voice “LEAVE MY FINGER YOU FOOL”

A FAREWELL PARTY TO REMEMBER

t was the mailman’s last day of the
job after 35years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.When arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there,who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. 
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?” “Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.” He said, “Fuck him, give him a dollar.” The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”

SANTA AND THE BEGGAR

Santa Singh used to pass through a road while going home.There was a beggar sitting on the road.Whenever Santa used to pass through the road he used to give 1 rupee to the beggar.After a few years suddenly  Santa stopped giving him 1 ruppe and started giving him 50 paise .The beggar was dissapointed but didn’t say anything to him.

                           Again after a year Santa started giving him 25 paise instead of 50 paise.The beggar got curious and asked Santa “BABUJI PEHLE AAP MUJHE 1 RUPAIYA DETE THE FIR MUJHE 50 PAISE DENE LAGE.AB ACHANAK 25 PAISE DE RAHE HO!!! KYA HUA BABUJI GAREEB KE PET PE LAAT KYON MAAR RAHE HO ?”
              Santa replied “Bhai dekho pehle main akela rehta tha to mere uppar koi zimmedaari nahin thi.isliye main tumhe 1 rupaiya deta tha.fir meri shaadi ho gayi beewi agayi to kharccha badh gaya isliye tumko 50 paise dene laga aur ab mera beta ho gaya to isliye tumhe abse 25 paise diya karunga”
    To this the beggar angrily retorted “ABE TO KYA APNE BIWI BACCHE KO MERE KHARCHE PE PAALEGA?”!!!!

that is love !

That is Love !
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up ayoung couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.

He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husbandmade his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don’t fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you.”

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: “Dear, I’m so relieved you feel that way. You’re right, he hasn’t seen a woman in years, but he wasn’t kissing my neck….He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you’re really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too.”

ghost hick

Ghost Hick
A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” Three students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further…..Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.” The student replies, “Ghost? Damn….. From back there I thought you said ‘goats’!”

ghost hick

Ghost Hick
A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” Three students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further…..Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.” The student replies, “Ghost? Damn….. From back there I thought you said ‘goats’!”

Regular Sex

Regular Sex
A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during theirhoneymoon.

When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o’clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15.

This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.

The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three. These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, “I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don’t think the antibiotics will find me there”.

A second exclaimed, “I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don’t think they’ll find me there.”

The last germ said, “I don’t know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I’m gonna be on it!”

FUNNY QUOTES

"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job"

 --George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

 

 "This is a great day for France!"

 --Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral

 

 "Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'"

 --George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

 

 "For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan.

 We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks."

 --George Bush

 

 "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change."

 --Dan Quayle

 

 "Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in 

 the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here."

 --Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

 

 "What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true that is."

 --Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund

 

 "I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland."--William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

 

 "The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at."

 --George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

 

 "I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me."

 --George Bush

 

 "If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed."

 --Ronald Reagan

 

 "My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."

 --Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

 

 "Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

 --Dan Quayle

 

 "Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed."

 --Ronald Reagan

 

 AND GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL DEBATES: Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize. Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time.

 

 FOREIGN GOOFS

 

 "Bite the wax tadpole."

 -- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

 

 "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."

 -- ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese

 

 "I am a jelly doughnut"

 --English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

 

 "We pray for MacArthur's erection."

 --sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President

 

 "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

 --from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

 

 "It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant."

 --Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

 

 MISCELLANEOUS

 

 "I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that."--Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

 

 "Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States."--Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

 

 "Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused."

 --correction printed in The Daily Californian

 

 "Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is terrible thing for the Padres!"

 --Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

 

 "I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?"

 --announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her audience

 

 

 

 

 

Relationships are hard

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was -

 'You'll never find anyone like me again!'

 I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'

 

 "Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." 

 

 "A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.

 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.

 I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

 

 "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

 

 "Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"

 

 "My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

 

 "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

 

 "I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."

 

 "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."

 

 "I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."

 

 "I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."

 

 "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

 

 "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

 

 "If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."

 

 "The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here!'"

 

 

 

 

Room Mate Sex

The top 50 things to do or say when you wake up to your roommate having sex...

50. (the obvious) "Ooooooo."

49. "That works better the other way around."

48. Sniff, sniff. "Is something burning?"

47. "Damn, that's complicated"

46. "Wait, wait, here take my pillow."

45. "All right, already. _I_ came!"

44. "You guys need a value pak."

43. Smoke a pipe, every once in a while wave it around and say, "Good show, old bean!" 

42. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"

41. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."

40. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."

39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change position.

38. "You know, they say that three's a charm."

37. Suggest your favorite position.

36. Shine a flashlight at them. "This is a citizen's arrest, assume the positition."

35. "Bring in the Gimp!"

34. "Hold that pose!"

33. Sit up and bounce vigorously on your bed, clapping and squealing with joy.

32. Start singing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."

31. Sing "Shake your bootie."

30. "A little to the left."

29. "Is that a penis in your girlfriend, or are you just happy to see me?" 

28. "Is there room for two in there?"

27. "Two words: penis extension."

26. Invite others in as a cheering section.

25. Charge admission at the door.

24. Make and hold up score cards.

23. All of them should read 6.9.

22. Whip out pen and paper and take notes.

21. "Maybe it would help if you..."

20. "That reminds me of a joke I heard."

19. "That's what you call erect?"

18. "Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"

17. Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plastic?"

16. Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."

15. "Use the Heimlich; she's got something caught in her throat!"

14. "May I cut in?"

13. "That's illegal in Arkansas."

12. "Holy whips and chains, Batman!"

11. Scream at the top of your lungs. When they ask what's wrong say you thought you were having a nightmare.

10. "Look, if you insist on me being part of this, let me at least get her for a few minutes!"

9. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.

8. Recite Condom Month slogans. i.e. 'Pack you wiener before you bean her.' and 'Wrap you wacker before you pack her.'

7. "Let's make a sandwich!"

6. "Is that hard enough for you?"

5. "I'm going to the water fountain, can I get you anything?"

4. "I think you dropped something."

3. "So, you like to eat at the Y?"

2. Grab your camcorder and ask, "How much do you think they'd pay to see this on Pay-per-view?"

1. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"

 

Safe Sex

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe"...

Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like.

Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.

When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.

You CAN get it from kissing... tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out before hand to hope for the best.

Before the use of condoms, unroll completely and check for any holes.

 

Senior's Sex Guide

Senior's Sex Guide

Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

Keep extra Poly grip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

Don't even think about trying it twice.

 

Sex Definitions

Sex in a boat = Oargasms 
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms 
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms 
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms 
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms 
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms 
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms 
Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms 
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms 
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms 
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms 
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms 
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms 
Sex while broke = Poorgasms 
Sex with a lion = Roargasms 
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms 
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms 
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms 
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms 
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms 
Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms 
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms 
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms 
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms 
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms 
Sex when you get an award = Honogasms 
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms 
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms 
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms 
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms 
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms 
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms 
Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms 
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms 
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms 
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms 
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms 
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms 
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms 
Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms 
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms 
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms 
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms 
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms 
Sex while flying = Soargasms 
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms 
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms 
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms 
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms 
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms 
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms 
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms 
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms 
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms 
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms 
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms 
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms 
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms 
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms 
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms 
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms 
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms 
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms 
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms 
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms 
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms 
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms 
Sex without a climax = Nogasms

 

Star Wars Sex

'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!'

'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?'

'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'

'You've got something jammed in here real good.'

'Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?'

'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'

'Sorry about the mess...'

'Look at the size of that thing!'

'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'

'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.'

'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'

'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'

'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.'

'But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...'

'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while.'

'Hurry up, golden-rod...'

'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?'

'Possible he came in through the south entrance.'

'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!'

'Control, control! You must learn control!'

'Hey, point that thing someplace else.'

'I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.'

'I never knew I had it in me.'

'There is good in him, I've felt it.'

'Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one.'

'Back door, huh? Good idea!'

'She's gonna blow!'

'I think you'll fit in nicely.'

'Rise, my friend.'

'Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!'

Blonde cooking

MONDAY
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose

Why bicycles are better than Women...

Bicycles don't get pregnant.

You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.

Bicycles don't have parents.

Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your Bicycle with your friends.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.

When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.

Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.

You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself.

If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.

If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.

If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.

If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.

You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.

Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.

Bicycles don't get headaches.

Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.

Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you're late.

You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.

You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet.

When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.

Murphy's Sex Laws

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

27. Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.

28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

29. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

30. Love is a hole in the heart.

31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

33. Do it only with the best.

34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

39. Thou shalt not commit adultery…..unless in the mood.

40. Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.

41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

42. Never argue with a women when she’s tired — or rested.

43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.

44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

46. Never say no.

47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.

48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

52. Love comes in spurts.

53. The world does not revolve on an axis.

54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

56. Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.

57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

60. “This won’t hurt, I promise,”

 

Having sex is yet another great past time

Having sex is yet another great past time for burning up those unwanted fat producing calories...

REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner's consent...	12 calories
Without partner's consent...	187 calories
UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands...	7 calories
Using one trembling hand...	36 calories
GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner...	1.5 calories
Dragging partner along floor...	16 calories
Using skateboard...	3 calories
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS
For normal healthy man...	2.5 calories
Losing erection...	14 calories
Searching for it...	115 calories
PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection...	1.5 calories
Without erection...	300 calories
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced...	6 calories
Inexperienced...	73 calories
If a man does it...	650 calories
Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room.
POSSIBLE INTERCOURSE SIDE EFFECTS
Bouncing...	7 calories
Sliding around...	9 calories
Serious skidding...	12 calories
Whiplash...	27 calories
ORGASM
Real...	27 calories
Faked...	160 calories
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off...	35 calories
Expression didn't change...	0.5 calories
Orchestra swelled...	6 calories
Birds sang:
Large birds...	7 calories
Small birds...	3 calories
Earth moved...	30 calories
PULLING OUT
After orgasm...	0.5 calories
A few moments before orgasm...	500 calories
PENIS ENVY
For woman...	3 calories
For men...	72 calories
GUILT
Banging your boss for a promotion...	30 calories
Sex during a 'sickie'...	10 calories
Bonking each other with parents in other room...	7 calories
Putting it on your expense account...	9 calories
AGGRAVATION
Partner keeps showing plant...	5 calories
Partner insists on dog cuddling during foreplay...	14 calories
Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time...	10 calories
Partner is taking phone calls...	7 calories
Partner is making phone calls...	40 calories
GETTING CAUGHT
By partner's spouse...	60 calories
By your spouse...	100 calories
Trying to explain...	55 calories
Trying to remain calm...	100 calories
Leaping out of bed...	75 calories
Getting dressed in one motion...	500 calories