Saturday, May 23

Who needs women

A man walks into the bar and orders 2 shots of whiskey and the man drinks one and pours the other shot in his hand, the man did this 3 times before the bartender finally asks him ----why is it you drink 1 shot and pour the other in your hand.

The man replies, I'm getting my girl friend drunk!

Turnaround is fair play!

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"

Signs that you may be a drunk!

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth ... now THAT'S a drinking problem!
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You fall off the floor.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger -- forget dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.
"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
"BeerTender! Get me another Bar!"

The Telepathic Watch!

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"Oh really? What's it telling you now?" she inquires.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says,
"Damn thing must be an hour fast!"

Tough guy eh?

A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back she's crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happend.

"As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long"!

The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket.

"He also said he wants to screw me all night long"!! By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table.

"He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night"!!! The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer.

His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasn't doing anything about the jerk at the pool table.

The boyfriend says "I'm sorry Honey, - but I'm not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer"!

Good Samaritan

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.

"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.

He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.

"Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."

"That was nice of you," she says, looking around... "But where's his wheelchair?" (woo-hoo! that's MEAN! :)

Slammin \'em down!

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife!"

Lager Prayer

Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk, At home as it is in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.

Dying Wives!

"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the fucking mushrooms!" 

Six times Six

A woman goes into a bar real depressed and uses her last 10 dollars to buy a drink. All of a sudden she gets an idea that she knows will solve her problems.

She takes her change and goes to the man at the end of the bar and says, " Mister, I'm broke and my landlord said if I dont give him the rent money first thing in the morning, I'm out of a place to live. I'll bet you my last five dollars that i can come up with a rhyme that you can't come up with a reply to."

The man wanting to help her says ok go ahead.

So she tells him, "six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine. I can tell the length of yours but you can't tell the depth of mine."

The man scratches his head and says, "your right, I can't top that." and he pays her the five dollars.

Then she goes to the next man and the next until she has beat every man in the bar. So she goes to the next bar and starts betting 100 at a time. She does this at every bar on the block until she has 3,000 dollars. Deciding thats enough she heads for home.

On her way she meets a bum in an alley and decides to have a little fun. So she tells the bum that she will bet her 3,000 dollars against his bottle of booze that she can tell him a ryhme to wich he cant come up with a reply. The bum figures what the heck and says "your on"

Six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can tell the length of yours but you can't tell the depth of mine.

The bum sits back, thinks for a minute and says "six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can piss in yours but you can't piss in mine!!"

The duck in the bar

A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender. 

The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. "What'll it be?" the bartender says.

The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes." "Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want." 

The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. "Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes." 

The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!" 

The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, "I'll have the grapes."

The bartender, enraged, shouts, "If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!"

The bartender cools off a bit. "Now what will you have?!" "Got any nails?" "OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? A HARDWARE STORE?" 

"Good, got any grapes?"

Panda in a Bar

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!" the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?" "Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda." "Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.

After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:

1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves. 

The Crying Horse

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".

So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him". 

Hippie in a Bar

This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks it's a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep, "I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove."

So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says, "Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here."

The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter. "Anything else," he questions. The hippie replies, "Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove."

Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells, "Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here!"

So the barkeep returns to the hippie. "That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right?" "Yeah," the hippie says, "but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too well-done, but in the groove."

The barkeep relays this to the manager, who has finally had enough. He storms out of the back room, and bellows at the hippie.

"You can kiss my ass! Not on the left cheek, and not on the right cheek, but in the groove!!"

Fastest Thing In The World

There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world.

Well the first guy says, "I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound."

Well the second guy says, "Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound."

Well the third guy says, "Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you."

Well the fourth guys clearly states, "Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world." 

The other three guys say really? Why's that?

And the fourth guys says, "Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got struck by lightning, and I didn't know what to do ... so I shit my pants!"

Donkey Woman!

A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.

The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies", I'll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass".

The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say's nothing and gives the guy his drink. this happens twice more.

A couple of hours pass and the guy goes to the mens room and his wife goes up to the bar. This time she orders the drinks.

The barman gets the drinks and says, "it's probably none of my business, but I think you should know that your husband has been referring to you as the jackass. I just had to tell you because I dont think it's very fair for him to call you that". 

The woman turns to him and smiles and says...
"Oh, dont worry, it's ok - heaw, heaw, he always calls me that"!

The Fight!

Kelly limps into his favorite pub...

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley", whispered Kelly to the beertender.

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit." Kelly said.
"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

Ostrich & Pussy Cat

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat". They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat". He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!"

So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat".

The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?". 

The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish".

"What did you wish for?" said the Barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"

The Test!

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
The patron takes a sip...same reaction.

But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.

He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:
"Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.

"That tastes like pee!," he shoots back at the drunk.

The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?"

Betcha $500.00!

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
"What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.

"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says - 

"I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"

The best bar in the world...

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

Trouble at the local bar...

A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?"

"I haven't got any money!"

Bartender Help

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replies -,
"The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

Just idle conversation...

A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.
He turns to bartender and says, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . .."

"STOP pal - I don't allow talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the guy tried again, "People say about the Pope ..."
"NO religion talk, either," the bartender cuts in.

One more try to break the boredom..." I thought the Yankees would..."
"NO sports talk...That's how fights start in bars!" the barman said.

"Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?"
"Sure, that we can talk about", replies the barkeep.


Can you give me a push?

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a
louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and
there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to
realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the
door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she
says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick
the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house
to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the
right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed
and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he
shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

A Vampire and Hot Water

A vampire walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a glass of hot water. when the bartender brings it over, the vampire pulls out a bloody tampon and starts dipping it in and out of the water. The bartender sees this and asks, "what on earth are you doing?"
and the vampire says, "making tea"

The Ham Sandwich

A ham sandwich walks into the bar and says to the bartender, 

"give me a shot of whiskey."

and the bartender says, 

"hey buddy we don't serve food in here" 


On Death Row

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. 

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." 

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. 

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." 

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ." 

The blonde shouts, "fire!!" 


A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, 'There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.' 

'That doesn't matter,' replied the blonde, 'if I only can sell the car.' 

'Okay,' said the brunette. 'Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.' 

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, 'Did you sell your car?' 

'No,' replied the blonde, 'why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.'

New Paint Color

Have you heard that Benjamin Moore came out with a new paint color called "blond"?

It's not too bright, but it spreads real easy.

MS Word for Blondes

Mean Blonde Jokes

Q: Why are blonde jokes so mean?

A: Because the blondes never understand them.

Male Strippers

So the other day in Cleveland, a Total Blond went with friends to a 'Ladies Night Club' [think Chippendales]. 

One of the women wanted to impress her pals so she pulled out a $10 bill. The dancer came over, she licked the $10 and stuck it on his butt. 

Not to be outdone, the next woman pulls out a $50 bill. She called the guy back over, licks the $50 bill, and sticks it on his other butt cheek. 

Now the attention is focused on The Blond. What could she do to top that? She got out her wallet, thought for a minute, then the 'shopper' in her took over. She got her ATM card, swiped it down his crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.

M & M Blonde

Why can a blonde work in a m&m factory ??????

Because she throws out all the w's!!!!!!

How do u keep a blonde occupied for a couple of hours?????

Give her a bag of m&m's and tell her to put them in alpabetical order!!!

Lenten Honeymoon

On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"

Keys locked in the car by a Blonde

Two blondes are locked out of their car. They can see the keys lying on the front seat. 

One looks up and says "Oh no, it is going to rain, hurry up, the top's down.

Keys in the ignition

One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car.

"If I take them out of the car I lose them," she reasoned. 

"Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband countered. 

"Oh that's okay," the wife chirped happily, "I keep a spare key in the glove box!"

Interview Bonanza

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead apply for a position at a large company.

First the brunette goes in. The guy looks over her application and asks her one question: "How many D's are there in 'Bonanza'?"

The brunette replies, "None."

The guy says, "OK, you may go into the next room for the next stage of the interviewing process."

The redhead goes in next. The guy asks her the same question: "How many D's are in 'Bonanza'?"

She replies, "None."

The guy says, "OK, you may go into the next room."

The blonde goes in and he asks the same question: "How many D's are in 'Bonanza'?"

After counting on her fingers for a few minutes the blonde replies: "77."

The guy, in shock, asks her how she came up with 77.

She says: "Dun da da dun dun da dun dun da da" 

If you're blonde, don't ride

A blonde had a near death experience that has changed her forever. The other day, she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. 

Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. 

Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.

four by twos

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, 'We need some four-by-twos.' 

The clerk said, 'You mean two-by-fours, don't you?' 

The man said, 'I'll go check,' and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, 'Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.' 

'Alright. How long do you need them?' 

The customer paused for a minute and said, 'I'd better go check.' After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, 'A long time. We're gonna build a house.'

Fixing dents in the car

A blonde woman was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a really bad hail storm. The hail stones were as big as golf balls and her car gets dented up really bad. The next day she takes it in to a repair shop to have the dents looked at.

The repair guy noticing that she is blonde and quite dingy when she speaks, decides to have some fun and tells her to blow into the tail pipe of the car really hard when she gets home, and that doing this will cause all of the dents to pop out.

When she gets home she starts blowing into the tail pipe as hard as she can, over and over. Just then, her best friend who also is blonde shows up. Her friend sees her blowing into the tail pipe and is quite startled by the action. She blurts out all flippantly, "What are you doing!?"

She tells her the repair guy told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard and the dents would pop out.

Her girlfriend says "Duh! You need to roll up the windows first!"

Fallen Bridge

blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river. 

The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down. 

She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back. 

He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back." 

She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!" 


What is the definition of eternity?

Four blondes in four cars at a four way intersection.

Erotic Sales

There was a red head, a brunette, and a blonde all in an adults only erotic shop.

The red head walks up to the counter and tells the man that she would like the red vibrator.

He takes it down off the shelf and says "ok that'll be twenty dollars." She pays and goes off on her merry way.

The brunette walks up to the man and says that she would like the yellow vibrator.

He take the yellow one off the shelf and says "ok, miss, that'll be twenty dollars."

She pays and goes off on her merry way.

The blonde walks over to the man blushes and says "yes, sir, I would like the plaid one please." The man turns around to see the "plaid vibrator" and smiling, says "that'll be 75 dollars."

The blonde pays and goes off on her merry way.

The owner of the store comes in and asks the man how the sales were that day.

He replies, "Well, I sold a red and a yellow vibrator for 20 dollars each, and i sold your thermos to some lady for 75 bucks!"

Desert Provisioning

There were three girls -- a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. They each were asked what one thing would they bring to the desert. 

The brunette said I would bring food in case I got hungry. The redhead said, "I would bring water in case I got thirsty." and the blonde haired girl said, "I would bring a car door, in case it got hot I could roll down the window!"

Dead bird

A blonde and a brunette were walking down the sidewalk.

"Look! There's a dead bird!!" the brunette exclaimed.

The blonde jerks her head upwards and studied the cloudless blue sky. 

"Where?!?!" she asked.

Cruel firemen and the blonde

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.

"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"

"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."

Bus ride

A blonde is visiting Washington, DC. This is her first time to the city, so she wants to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she can't find it, so she asks a police officer for directions. 

'Excuse me, officer,' the blonde says, 'how do I get to the Capitol building?' 

The officer says, 'Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there.' 

The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. 

The officer gets out of his car and says, 'Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?' 

The blonde says, 'Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!'

Blue, Brown and Purple Joke

What do you get when you come across a woman laying in the road who is blue, brown and purple?

A brunette who has been telling too many blonde jokes.

Blondes, Pearly Gates and Easter

Three blondes died together in an automobile accident on Easter Sunday. As they line up at the Pearly Gates of heaven, St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, 'What is Easter?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful...'

'Wrong!,' replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, 'What is Easter?'

The second blonde replies, 'Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.'

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, 'What is Easter?'

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, 'I know what Easter is.'

'Oh really?' says St. Peter, incredulously.

'Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.'

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, 'Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.'

Blondes, lightbulbs and 911

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: 

Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?

Blonde: No, it's working fine.

Operator: Then what's the problem?

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

Blondes in a Freezer

Q: What do you call two blondes in a freezer
A: Frosted Flakes

Blondes rn't that dum

Blond peeple rnt that dumm, reellee! Wee mite seem pathetic 2 sum peeple but I bet we hav better personalitees than mowst peeple we no. If you'd just giv us a chans and C that we R not all that dumm...

We can even type porprely coz we R intelgilent peeple alswes, oops, aswell!

Blondes are like...

Blondes are like vaccuum cleaners: They suck, they blow, and they get laid in a closet!

Blondes are likes bowling balls: you pick them up, finger them, throw them in the gutter and they comd back for more!

Blondes and turtles

Q:What do blondes and turtles have in common?

A:If they are on their back, they're screwed

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Blondes and BMW's

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides, every other broker in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. 

She visited a local car dealer and saw a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous lines and red paint. An empty cheque stub later and off she was, tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. 

Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the stereo, what could possibly be better? What could possibly go wrong?

As that thought crossed her mind, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded that she didn't have a bloody clue as to what was wrong. She grabbed her pocket phone and called the AutoClub. A short while later a bright shiny yellow tow truck pulled up behind her. 

'That's a lovely car,' says the mechanic. 'What seems to be the matter?' 

Well, it just conked out I'm afraid.'

'Let me have look.' He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again. 

'Thank goodness,' she said. 'What was the matter ?'

'Simple really, just crap in the carburetor,' he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, 'Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?'

Blondes & the Genie

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp. 

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." 

The first said, "I wish I were smarter." 

So, she became a redhead. 

The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is." 

She became a brunette. 

The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!" 

So, she became a man. 

Blondes & Disney World

Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida. 

As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!" 

After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home. 

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