Saturday, August 22

The Good Old Days Before Computers


Computer Was Something On TV

From A Science Fiction Show

Window Was Something You Hated To Clean....

RAM Was The Cousin Of A Goat...

Meg Was The Name Of My Girlfriend

Gig Was Your Middle Finger Upright

Now They All Mean Different Things

And That Really Mega Bytes

Application Was For Employment

Program Was A TV Show

Cursor Used Profanity

Keyboard Was A Piano

Memory Was Something That You Lost With Age

CD Was A Bank Account

And If You Had A 3 1/2"

You Hoped Nobody Found Out

Compress Was Something You Did To The Garbage

Not Something You Did To A File

And If You
Unzipped Anything In Public

You'd Be In Jail For A While

Log On Was Adding Wood To The Fire

Hard Drive Was A Long Trip On The Road

Mouse Pad Was Where A Mouse Lived

And A
Backup Happened To Your Commode

Cut You Did With A Pocket Knife

Paste You Did With Glue

Web Was A Spider's Home

And A
Virus Was The Flu

I Guess I'll Stick To My Pad And Paper

And The Memory In My Head

Nobody's Been Killed In A Computer

But When It Happens They Wish They Were Dead

Computer Acronyms !!

Computer Acronyms !! Do You Know What They Really Mean!
  • PCMCIA:- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
  • ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
  • APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Loving Entity
  • SCSI: System Can't See It
  • DOS: Defective Operating System
  • BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
  • IBM: I Blame Microsoft
  • DEC: Do Expect Cuts
  • CD-ROM: Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months
  • OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
  • WWW: World Wide Wait
  • MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
  • PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
  • AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
  • LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses
  • MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
  • WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
  • MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
  • RISC: Reduced Into Silly Code

Funny computer quotes

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
-- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
-- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
-- Ken Olson, president, chairman/founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,1977

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet."'
-- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer

Monday, August 17

Bigger in Texas

A blind man is travelling to Texas. He feels the seats of the train and says to the man next to him he says “These seats sure are big” to which the man replies “Everything is bigger in texas”. He then checks into is hotel and goes to the bar. He feels the beer glass and says to the bartender “The glasses sure are big” to which the bartender says “Everything is bigger in Texas”. The blind man the asks to go to the lavatory.The bartender gave him directions. On the way he takes a wrong turn, slips and falls into the swimming pool. Scared to death he shouts “Dont flush!!!! Dont flush!!!!”………………..

The Loving Husband

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”?

WOMAN: “Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes”

WOMAN: “I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $ 1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: ” $ 70,000″

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing … The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $ 950,000″

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape….. He smiles and asks:

“Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?”

School Answering Machine

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school Telephone answering machine This is the actual answering machine message for the school.

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents
who want their children’s failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

“Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in
your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

Heights of revenge