Saturday, May 16

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Joseph, let's go home.

One day a Jewish couple decided to see what a Catholic Mass was like. 
Toward the middle of the service, the priest said, "At this point of the service, if you are not a Catholic, you will need to leave at this time." No one left. 
So, for clarity of his request, the priest continued, "If you are a Protestant or a Jew, we would kindly ask you to leave the santuary at this time." 
All of a sudden the statues of Joseph, Mary with Jesus in her arms came alive, and Mary said "Come on, Joseph, let's take the kid and go home." 

Talmud for Gentiles

The Priest meets his friend, the Rabbi, and says to him "You have taught me many things but there is one thing in particular I want to learn very much but you do not wish to teach it to me. I want you to teach me the Talmud." 
The Rabbi replied: "You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a Non-Jew. There is no chance that you will succeed in understanding the Talmud." 
But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to teach him the Talmud. 
Finally, the Rabbi agreed. The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one question." 
The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi "What is the Question?" 
The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up." 
"Very Simple," replied the Priest. 
"The one who is dirty goes to wash up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up." 
The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I told you that you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. The exact opposite happened. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also dirty, goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up." 
The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "This I did not think of. Ask me, please, another question." 
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of these two goes to wash up?" 
The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "Very simple. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up." 
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "You are wrong again. I told you that you will not understand. The clean one looks into the mirror, sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up. The dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to wash up." 
The Priest complains to the Rabbi "But you did not tell me that there is a mirror there." 
The Rabbi then tells the Priest: "I told you. You are a Non-Jew, with your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. According to the Talmud, you have to think of all the possibilities." 
"Alright," groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. "Let us try once more. Ask me one more question." 
For the last time, said the Rabbi to the Priest. "Two men fall through the chimney. One came out dirty and the other came out clean. Who of these two went to wash up?" 
"That is very simple!" replied the Priest. "If there is no mirror there the clean one will look at the dirty one and will! think that he is also dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up. The dirty one will look at the clean one and will think that he is also clean, and will, therefore, not go to wash up. If there is a mirror there, the clean one will look into the mirror and will, therefore, not go to wash up. The dirty one will look into the mirror and will see that he is dirty and will, therefore go to wash up." 
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "I told that you will not succeed in understanding. You are a Non-Jew, you have a Non-Jewish Brain. Tell me, how is it possible for two men to fall through a chimney and for one to come out dirty and for the other to come out clean?" 
The Talmud is a massive and monumental compendium of sixty-three books; the learned debates, dialogues, conclusions, commentaries, of the scholars who for over a thousand years interpreted the Torah (the first five books in the Bible also known as the Five Books of Moses). 

Raised a steak, now a fish

Every Friday a Jew that lived in a Catholic community would go out and barbeque his steak, and every Friday his Catholic neighbors would come over and beg him to convert to their religion. 
One day he finally agreed and at the ceremony the priest said, "Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic." 
The next Friday the Catholics were outside and they smelt steak cooking again so they went over to remind their neighbor of his new eating habits, and they caught him saying to his steak, "Born a steak, raised a steak, now a fish!" 

The catholic Priest and the Rabi

The catholic Priest and the Rabi were friends since kindergarden, and were always joking one with the other. 
Once, the Priest and the Rabi were to a dinner and the Priest asked if the Rabi would have a pork dish. 
The Rabi looked back really hurten and said "I don't eat pork, that is against my religion". 
The priest then asked if he never, even once in his life, had pork. 
The Rabi said "well, one time I had just a little piece to tryout, but that was it." 
A few minutes later the said to the Priest "by the way, tell me: have you ever been with a woman, even a single time?". 
The Priest said "yes, there was one time I was really curious and had been with a woman". 
5 minutes later the Rabi looks at him and says "a lot better than pork, right?" 

Math problem

There were 2 young boys, one was Jewish and the other Christian. 
The Christian boy was unbelievable at math, but the Jewish one had a very hard time with it. 
The Jewish boy went to a day school while the non-Jew attended a very good Christian private school in the area. 
The Jewish mother knew that the Christian school had a great math program and she really wanted her son to improve his skills so she decided to send him to the Christian school. 
2 weeks passed and the young Jewish boy was extraordinary at math. Any porblem his mother gave him he could do it in the blink of an eye. 
She said to him, "Listen, I don't understand you didn't know any math when you were at the Jewish school and now that you're at the new Christian school you're amazing, what changed?" 
The boy responded, "Ima, once I saw that guy nailed to the addition sign I really sucked it up!!!" 

Now you are a fish

A Jewish guy finds out that a Christian priest gives $500.00 to give whoever wishes to convert. 
So he goes to the priest and he does stuff to him and then finally he tells him "Now you are Christian, but you need to promise me that you cannot eat meat for dinner on friday". 
He says OK and goes home happy, and yells to his wife and says now we are rich, we have money now and we can spend it on anything. 
There comes friday night and they have food in the oven and cooking, the priest wants to make sure the guy does what it takes to be a Christian, he goes to his house. After all the introduction he goes to the oven and sees a brisket there, he turns to the guy, and says "i thought i told you that you cannot have any meat." 
The Jewish guy tells him "that's not meat that's fish." 
He says "i see meat." 
"Well" the guy says "when i came to you, you put your hands in some water and splash my face and told me that now i am christian. So i splashed my hands in front of the meat and told him now you are a fish... so we are having a fish." 

Conversion problem

saac goes into temple and says to the Rabbi,"Rabbi my son has switched to Christanity, what 
should I do?" 
"Well I will ask God,come back tomorrow". 
Isaac comes back the next day and the Rabbi tells him "Well I asked God but he says he is sorry because he has the same problem". 

The cab driver and the nun

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. 
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you". 
She answers: "My son, you cannot offend me. When you are as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you see and hear just about everything. There's nothing you could ask that would offend me." 
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me". 
She responds: " Okay, but you have to be single and you have to be Catholic". 
The cab driver is very excited and says "Yes, I'm single and I'm Catholic". 
"OK" says the nun. "Pull into the next alley". 
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush, but when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 
"My dear child" says the nun. "Why are you crying?" 
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish". 
The nun says "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Purim party." 

Where did I go wrong?

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah, it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi... where did I go wrong?" 

"Funny you should come to me" said the Rabbi. 
"Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through university, it cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian." 

"What did you do?" asked the lawyer. "I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi. 

"And what did he say?" 

He said, "Funny you should come to me..." 


There were two golf players. The first went to take the shot, and the ball landed in the pond, and sunk to the bottom. He walked up to the pond, stuck his club into the ground, and the water split in half. He walked in, and took another shot, hole in two.
Next player shot, it landed in the water, and got eaten by a fish. The fish swam to the surface and got swallowed by a bird. There was a lightning strike, and the bird spat out the fish, who spat out the ball. It fell into the hole. Hole in one.
And Moses looked up, and said "That's the last time that I play with you, Dad!"

The fast skier

It was around the Olympics time and there were 2 judges from America who were watching people ski down a mountain, so they could find candidates for the Winter Olympics. 
They see this Jewish guy who is just racing down the mountain. 
The 2 judges are absolutely blown away. This Jewish guy got down the mountain quicker than anyone else the judges ever saw. 
They go up to him and ask, "Will you do that again, you were so good, we just want to make sure you're consistent." 
The Jewish guy agrees and heads up the mountain. 
The judges are waiting at the bottom for him to come down but he's just not coming. 
2 minutes pass, 3 minutes, 8 minutes. 
Finally, he gets to the bottom and the judges run right up to him and say, "What took you so long, last time you did it in 2 minutes but now what happened to you?" 
The Jewish guy says, "Some idiot put a mezuzah on every post!!!" 

A Jewish quarterback

Whats the intention of a jew playing football? 
To get the quarter back! 

The Yeshiva University rowing team

Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. 
Unfortunately, they lost race after race. 
They practiced and practiced for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last. 
Finally, the Rosh Yeshiva decided to send Yankel to spy on the championship Harvard team. 
So Yankel shlepped to Cambridge, hid in the bushes by the Charles River, and watched the Harvard team as they practiced. 
After two weeks Yankel returned to Yeshiva. 
"I have figured out their secret," he announced. 
"What? Tell us what," they all wanted to know. 
"We've been doing it all exactly backwards! On their team, one guy shouts and the other eight guys row!" 

DELLSHALOM Jewish Computer

While in Israel I found a great buy on a computer. It is a kosher computer called a DELLSHALOM. 
It was selling at such a good price that...well......... mine arrived today. 
If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as: 
The cursor moves from right to left. 
It comes with two hard drives, one for 'Fleyshik' business software and one for 'Milchik' games. 
Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets 'Ferklempt'. 
The Chanukah screen savers include 'Flying Dreidels'.
The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings. 
After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours. 
The "Start" button has been replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button. 
When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus." 
The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!" 
Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner. 
I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup. 
When running "scandisk," it prompts with a "You want I should fix this?" message. 
When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!" 
There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und dreck" on your monitor. 
After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schluffen." 
Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup. 
The Y2K problem has been replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues. 
If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears "You should be ashamed of yourself!" 
When Spellcheck finds and error it prompts "Is this the best you can do?" 

Email from Florida

A New York Yid left the snowy city for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip in Atlanta and was planning to join him in Florida the next day. When Yaakov reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. 

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly Rebbitzin whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving Rebbitzin checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: 

Dearest Wife, 
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. 

P.S.: Sure is hot down here. 

Blonde Logic

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section. 

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for. 

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." 

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." 

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class. 

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss. 

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

First class blonde

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section. 

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for. 

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." 

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." 

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class. 

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss. 

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

The circle

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

Horrific Accident

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. 
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" 
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. 
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. 
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." 
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

You've got Blonde

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. 

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. 

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” 

To which she replied, “There certainly is!” 

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

Blonde Cops

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license. 

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer." 

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror. 

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

Light Bulb

Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 

A: Two, one to hold the light bulb and one to spin the ladder around!

Cutting Pizza

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. 

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

Speeding Ticket

A blonde was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over. 

The policeman walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse m'am, could I please see your driving license and registration." 

The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

Passed Away

Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away." 

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take 
the day off and go relax." 

Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here." 

The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss. 

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically. 

He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?" 

Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"

Blonde Q&A

Q: What do you call an eternity? 
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop. 

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? 
A: Toes Go In First. 

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common? 
A: You always hear about them but never see them. 

Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? 
A: They think their picture is being taken.

Magic Mirror

There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror. 

If you told a lie it would suck you in. 

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in. 

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in. 

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.

Yell for Help

Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out. 

After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together." 

The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."

Another Chance

One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb.
They begged: "Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb." 

The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd. 
She got up on the car too and the man asked: "What is the first month of the year?" 
The blonde responded: "November?"

"Nope," said the man. At this point the crowd began to chant, "Give her another chance, give her another chance." 

So the man asked: "What is the capital of the U.S.A ?" 
The blonde responded: "Paris?"
So the crowd began chanting again: "Give her another chance, give her another chance." 

The man said: "Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?" 
The blonde replied: "Two?"

“Give her another chance, Give her another chance." screamed the crowd.

Blonde at Football Game

A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game. 

She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand." 

"What did you not understand ?" 

And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"


Defense Attorney: 
Will you please state your age? 

Little Old Lady: 
I am 86 years old. 

Defense Attorney: 
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: 
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, 
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.. 

Defense Attorney: 
Did you know him? 

Little Old Lady: 
No, but he sure was friendly.. 

Defense Attorney: 
What happened after he sat down? 

Little Old Lady: 
He started to rub my thigh. 

Defense Attorney: 
Did you stop him? 

Little Old Lady: 
No, I didn't stop him. 

Defense Attorney: 
Why not? 

Little Old Lady: 
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.. 

Defense Attorney: 
What happened next? 

Little Old Lady: 
He began to rub my breasts. 

Defense Attorney: 
Did you stop him then? 

Little Old Lady: 
No, I did not stop him.. 

Defense Attorney: 
Why not? 

Little Old Lady: 
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! 

Defense Attorney: 
What happened next? 

Little Old Lady: 
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 
'Take me, young man. Take me now!' 

Defense Attorney: 
Did he take you? 

Little Old Lady: 
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard. 

Sinko De Mayo

Hellmann's Mayo

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery on May 5th in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo.

And now you know where the name originated! 

100 Reasons It's Great to be a Guy!

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. 
3. You know stuff about cars. 
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. 
5. Monday Night Football. 
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives. 
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 
8. You can open all your own jars. 
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight. 
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind. 
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying. 
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 
13. All your orgasms are real. 
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. 
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. 
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 
17. You understand why Stripes is funny. 
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group. 
19. Your last name stays put. 
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. 
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 
22. You can kill your own food. 
23. The garage is all yours. 
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. 
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. 
27. You never have to clean the toilet. 
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. 
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. 
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship 
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. 
35. You don't have to shave below your neck. 
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite. 
37. If you're 40 and single nobody notices. 
38. You can write your name in the snow. 
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. 
40. Everything on your face stays its original color. 
41. Chocolate is just another snack. 
42. You can be president. 
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. 
44. Flowers fix everything. 
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough. 
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. 
51. Foreplay is optional. 
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room. 
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by. 
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me) 
60. The world is your urinal. 
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff. 
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 
64. One mood, all the time. 
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. 
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too yucky. 
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing. 
69. Same work....more pay. 
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character. 
71. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. 
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. 
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. 
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts. 
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 
77. The remote is yours and yours alone. 
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 
79. ESPN's sports center. 
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. 
81. Bachelor parties whip ass over bridal showers. 
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed. 
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!" 
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. 
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary. 
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood. 
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. 
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. 
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. 
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" 
99. Baywatch 
100. There is always a game on somewhere 

Two Choices

With the economy the way it is and John just getting laid off from his first job, he decided to go into service. John went to the recruiting station. He took some tests and was told by the recruiter he could go in either the Army or the Navy. John asked the recruiters advice and was told.....

If you go in the Navy, you will be OK. If you go in the Army, you have two choices.
You can go either into the infantry or the artillery. If you go in the artillery you'll be OK but if you go in the infantry you have two choices. You will either go to war or not go to war.

If you don't go to war, you'll be OK. If you go to war, you have two choices. You will either be in the front lines or the rear lines. If your in the rear lines you'll be OK. However, if your in the front lines, you have two choices.

You will either be shot or not shot. If your not shot you'll be OK. If your shot you'll have two choices. Your either going to be injured or killed.

If your injured, you'll be OK. If your killed you have two choices. Your either going to heaven or hell.

If you go to heaven you'll be OK. If you go to hell you have two choices. You will either go to the paper factory or the glue factory.

If you go to the glue factory you'll be OK. If you go to the paper factory, you have two choices. You will either become newspaper or toilet paper.

If you become newspaper you'll be OK. If you become toilet paper you have two choices. Your either going to be put in the men's room or the ladies room.

If you go in the men's room you'll be OK. If you go in the ladies room you have two choices

15 cents

A woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Sheldon. All he wants is anal sex, and my ass hole is now the size of a quarter, when it used to be about the size of a dime.'
Her mother says, 'You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom
mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 15 cents!'


A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time." 

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends." 

Stopping at the Crosswalk

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the
'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.'' 

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace." 

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. 

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"

Breakfast Order

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning. 

"I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze, so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm." 

"That's a complicated order, sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." 

The guest replied, "Oh, but that's what you gave me yesterday!" 

Surgical Gloves

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves... 

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" 

She said, "No?" 

"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again." 

And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. 

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make 

Work Accident

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. 

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. 

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." 

Merv got very angry and threw him out. 

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." 

Merv again was upset and tossed her out. 

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: 

"Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" 

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!" 

Doctor's Room

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. 

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there." 

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."


A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" 

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. 

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." 

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said. 

"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever." 

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" 

"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" 

"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.


A young lady whom thought she was overweight went to see a dietician. She walked into his office and asked several questions about dieting, excersize, and other things. Her final question to the dietician sparked interest in him. She asked,"How many calories are in sperm?" 

"Why?" he replied. She explained some of the things she liked to do. 

After thinking a minute he said,"I really have no clue, but if you are consuming that much of it then no guy is going to care if you are a little chunky!"

Girl or Boy

Three ladies sitting in a doctors office. 

One says "I'm gonna have a boy cause my husband was on top." 

Another says "I'm gonna have a girl cause I was on top." 

Last one says "Fuck, I'm gonna have a puppy."

It Hurts all Over

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. 

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. 

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

Second Opinion

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. 

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. 

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. 

"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

Urgent Heart Transplant

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker". 

The man quickly responds, "the attorney's".
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

Be the Boss

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," she said. "Go home and show her you're the boss." 

The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. 

He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?" 

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."

Friday, May 15

Zombie vs Kids

Twisted April Fool's Joke

It's the first of April, and Joe is out of town on business. He returns home to find out that his wife is at the hospital in labor having their first child. 

He rushes to the hospital, and goes to his wife's side. She has already had the child. He goes to the nursery to see the baby. 

He spots the name on a crib and motions to the nurse. She points at the crib and Joe says, "Yes, he's my son." 

The nurse picks up the baby and drops it on the floor. Joe is aghast. The nurse says, "Don't worry." She picks up the baby and slaps it hard across the face several times. Joe turns white in horror as she throws the baby across the nursery. Joe is about to faint as she holds the baby by it's testicles and swings it around her head. 

Joe screams, "Stop you're kiling my baby!!!!" 

The nurse responds, "April Fools... It was born dead..."

Doctor With the Wrong Idea

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. 

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." 

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through." 

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?" 

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

Duck Shooting

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. 

"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone. 

Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape. 

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. 

"Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. 

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. 

"Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

Old and Forgetful

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" 

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me." 

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" 

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" 

"You mean a rose?" 

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Cat Scan

A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor. 

"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks. 

"$345," says the doctor. 

"$345!!?" the lady asks. 

"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

Visit to the Doctor

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. 

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." 

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" 

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

Doctor Checkups

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. 

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. 

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?

Weird Baby

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?" 

"Well, yes, but only once." 
"Once is all it takes" he replied. 

Then the torso came out and it was yellow. 
"Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?" 
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once." 

"Once is all it takes," he said. 
When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian. 
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once." 
"Once is all it takes," he said. 

He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!" 

A Difficult Case

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?" 
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years." 
"What was the result?" 
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!" 


A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. 

The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later. 

As he's left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished." 

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?" 

Useful Military Warnings

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher 

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army 

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop 

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal 

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance 

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual 

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal 

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance 

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal 

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth 

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal 

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay 

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous 

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit 

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies 

(And lastly) 

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop 

Too Hot For Arizona Convicts???

It's even hotter than usual in Phoenix, 116 degrees sets a new record, the Associated Press reports: 

About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts. 

On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before. Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks. 

"It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzo't, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 1/2 years. "It's inhumane." 

Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. 

He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths. " 


I'm A Pilot

The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that would be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. 

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new M-1 Battle Tank, a pair of twin well built, neatly kept brothers who looked like they had just stepped off an Army Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the best Army in the world?" 

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!" 

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" 

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills can you bring to this man's Army?" 

The young man says, "I chop wood!" 

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Army, what else do you know how to do?" 

"I chop wood!" 

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century and our battles are fought with our minds as much as with our bodies!" 

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!" 

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!" 

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Duh! I have to friggin' *chop* it before he can pile it!" 

Perfectly Good Aircraf

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump." 

"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary.


A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces. 

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" 

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like." 

Tough Texans

A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One man from Texas is better than ten Iraqis." The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes and then, silence. The voice once again calls out 

"One man from Texas is better than one hundred Iraqi." 

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again, silence. The Rebel voice calls out again 

"One man from Texas is better than one thousand Iraqi." 

The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence. 

Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, 

"Don't send any more's a trap. There are two of them. 

War Wound

A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men. He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams. 

"What the hell is that?" he asks. 

"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes" 

Then the guy looks to his right and sees... three streams! 

"What the hell is that?" 

"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes." 

The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see... 12 streams! 

"War wound??" 

"Naah, my zipper's stuck" 

Hotel Room

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. 

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." 

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." 

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." 

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. 

"Never better." 

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" 

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine. 

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. 

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained. 

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me." 

Change of Underwear

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, "I've got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear." 

The troops started cheering at the news. 

"Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy..." 

Tyrannical Sergeant

So, the tyrannical sergeant major is called to the Colonel's office: "Smith's mother has just died can you tell him?" So the sergeant calls his men to the parade ground.... 

"Squad attention!, Smith your mother's dead!", squad dismissed'. 

Smith walks away tears streaming down his face. Later on the Colonel tells the sergeant that Smith's father has also died and can he break the news gently this time. So once again sergeant calls his men to the parade ground... 

"Squad attention! All those with fathers take one step forward. Smith where the hell do you think your going!" 


Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" 

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. 

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred. 

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?" 

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. 

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 

"Bring me my brown pants!" 

Becoming a Paratrooper

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. 

"So, did you jump?" the father asked. 

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" 

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. 

"Hmm, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." 

"Did you jump then?" asked the father. 

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." 

"So, did you jump?" 

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed on to the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up where the sun doesn't shine.'" 

"So, did you jump?" asked the father. 

"Well, a little, at first." 

Interviewing a General

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Dumped Soldier

The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. 

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying........... "Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

Military Computer

Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks. 

Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee." 

The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?" 

"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."

The Corpses' Blue Suit

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one night before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. 

The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time. 

The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" 

Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit. 

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. 

The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads."

Drill Sergeant

A drill sergeant was known to be brusque with his men. His lieutenant warned him to try to be more sympathetic: 

"I don't want to interfere with your discipline but when there is bad news to relate, please be more diplomatic." 

"Yes, *sir!*" 

"Now, I have received bad news for one of your men: George Martin. It seems his father has been in a bad traffic accident. Please break the news carefully." 

"Yes, *sir!*" 

At roll call, the sergeant says: "Fall in everyone. Martin, if you call home today and don't get an answer, it's your dad." 

After Martin finds out the truth, he goes crying away to his bunk. The next day, the lieutenant reprimands the drill sergeant once more: "Look, Sarge, this can't continue. If you can't think of a kinder way deal with this kind of news, we'll eliminate this practice from roll call. Now I'm giving you one last chance. Gomez's mother died last ....night You know what to do." 

"No problem, lieutenant!" 

Roll call: "All right, all you maggots, fall in! All those with living mothers step forward!" And in a quieter tone: "*Not* so fast, Gomez."

In Good Hands?

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. 

One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade." 

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. 

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. 

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. 

He yells - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

A Stuck Army Jeep

During an Army war game a commanding officer’s jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. 

"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we’ve been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn’t contribute in any way." 

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."

GI Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. 

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. 

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: 

If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." 

"Now," he concluded, "Which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?" 

"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature." 

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." 

The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action." 

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself." 

The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner. 

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" 

The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955." 

She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?" 

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!

Stand Still Soldier

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. 

"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" 

"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, 

"Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it."

Stand Still Soldier

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. 

"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" 

"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, 

"Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it."

Serving at a Desert Outpost

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" 

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

The General

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. 

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on. 

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General." 

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. 

"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." 

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. 

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew. 

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" 

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked. 

"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?" 

Buffalo come

Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains when Tonto stops suddenly, climbs down, and puts his ear to the ground. 

Lone Ranger waits a few minutes, then asks Tonto, "What is it?" 

"Buffalo come," Tonto replied. 

"How can you tell?" 

"Ear sticky." 

Custer's Last Thoughts

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist. 

Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed." 

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. 

Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. 

"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly. 

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!" 

"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those f*cking Indians.'" 

Cowboy Sex

A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. 

"Congratulations!" says the clerk. 

Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" 

"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it." 

Catching Cows

More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance. 

"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows." 

"I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?" 

Mexican Bandit

The story is told of a Mexican bandit who robbed a Texas bank of $250,000 and escaped across the river. A month went by and the bandit thought he was safe. He was celebrating his good fortune at a local cantina, when a Texas Ranger walked up and dragged him out into the dusty street. After he realized he had a communication problem, the ranger poked his head back into the bar: "Anybody here speak English?" he shouted.

"I do, senor" came the reply. 

Then commere" the ranger ordered. The conversation between ranger, translator and bandit started. "Did he rob the bank?" "He did." "Does he still have the $250,000?" "Yes," again. Then the ranger pulled out his Colt .45, held the barrel of the gun to the bandit's head and cocked the trigger. "Make sure he understands this next question real good." the ranger told the translator. "WHERE'S THE MONEY?" 

In Spanish the frightened bandit blurted out that the money was hidden in a waterproof bag at the bottom of the well in the town plaza. The translator looked up at the ranger: "He says he is not afraid to die, you fricking Gringo!"