Thursday, May 7


* When you go to a Japanese restaurant, you start a "USA! USA!" chant. * When you girlfriend dumps you, you tell her she couldn't "play with the big  boys," and that she will never get past mid-card status. * When you search and search the bible for the book of Austin. * If you can actually remember Sting's last public words. * If on a job application, you state your residence as "parts unknown." * If you quit your Job because you have to find your "Smile." * When you're getting beat up in a bar fight, but you honestly believe that  with a little crowd support, you can turn this thing around. * If you hit your co-worker in head with a chair while your manager is  distracting him. * When you look for Sting on the back of the milk carton during breakfast. * When a guy steals your girl, you consider it an angle. * When you rack your neighbor's dog. * When you attend a graduation, and yell "Ooooooh yeah!" when 'Pomp and  Circumstance' plays. * When you are involved in a bar fight with a guy twice your size and you  think your best line of attack is putting the Tongan death grip on him. * When you put up your wife or girlfriend up in a card game for 30 days if you  lose. * When you go to a dance and start dancing like Alex Wright. * You watch car racing in order to see Bob "sparkplug" Holly * When you wear your Macho Man foam hat out in public. * When you win an award and immediately spray paint "nWo" on it. * When you rate women on a scale of Chyna to Sunny. * When you begin to shake someone's hand in public but then hesitate to look  for the crowd's response. * When you get into a real fight and you blade. * When you do heel turns on your best friends for no reason. * If whenever you walk into a party you tell them to "cut the music." * When anytime anybody asks you a question, you "grab the mike" and yell,  "MEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAN GEEEEEEEEEEEEEENEE!" * When you die you mustache blond while leaving your beard black. * If you keep waiting for run-ins during boxing matches. * After an argument with a friend, you shake hands, hug each other and then  after you raise both yours and your friend's arms in the air, as he looks to the  side, you clothesline him. * If you think John the Baptist Bladed. * If you wonder why Bob Backlund's campaign for the presidency never got any  press. * If you carry a foreign object in your underwear. * When you go into work you insult everyone you see just to draw heat. * If you're a Honky Tonk Man impersonator instead of an Elvis impersonator. * If you wore spiked shoulder pads during a football game. * If you loose a job, you change your look and name before starting a new  one. * If you find out that you have been fired by calling up the company's  hotline. * If you purposely blade yourself while shaving. * If you suspect your best friend is just setting you up for a heel turn. * When before a fight, you give away a pair of sunglasses to a kid. * When you go to a funeral and assume that the deceased just lost a Casket  Match. * When your king-size bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it. * If you paint your face and don't speak to your co-workers * When you go to your daughter's softball game and start a "we want blood"  chant. * If you get into an argument with a friend at work and challenge him to  a loser must retire match. * When you see a fight in the streets and call the moves. * If at a ceremony at your work to give out awards to the employee of the  year, you "turn" and slam a chair across the recipient of the award's  head...then you immediately grab the mic and start talking about how YOU  deserved the award. * If you refer to all the women in your work area your valets. * When you keep flour in your underpants (just in case). * If you refer to The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal as rag  sheets. * If you wondered why Vince didn't borrow money from Ted DiBiase to  prevent WCW from "buying" its wrestlers. * You start every sentence with the words "Well, ya know, Mean Gene..." or  "Let me tell ya something..."  * You refer to everyone you talk to as "brother." * Every time you see someone yawning, you get an uncontrollable urge to thrust  your fingers down their throat and screech uncontrollably.  * Your children are named Crippler, Hitman, and Hollywood.  * You get hoarse on purpose so you can sound like the Macho Man.  * You hold a wrestling tournament for an aluminum foil belt.  * You constantly play really bad air guitar on your foil belt that you cheated  to win.  * On Halloween, you pull a Jericho and steal all the trick-or-treaters' masks  and then claim them as "prizes." * You get kicked off the school wrestling team for choke slamming your  opponent.  * You cried when the Giant went nWo.  * You took bagpipe lessons just so you could play Roddy Piper's theme music.  * You get in fights with people who say wrestling is fake.  * You fenced in your bed, so it feels like being in a steel cage.  * You throw your VCR away when you can't find Rick Steiner on your copy of  "Gremlins." * Your best friend is a microphone.  * After your parents ground you for a week, you refer to them as "heels." * You try to write to the admissions office at S.C.U.  * You dress your dog up as a "Hulkamaniac." * You use the phrase "Too Sweet" more than 45 times daily.  * You try to impress your friends by telling them Bobby Heenan jokes.  * You honestly believe that "TBS" stands for "The Brain Station." * You think "No Holds Barred" should win an Oscar.  * Your greatest accomplishment in life is mastering the sleeper hold.  * You roped in your backyard and you get together with friends to throw chairs  around.  * You requested "3:16" as your new license plate.  * You think a tilt-a-whirl looks fun.  * You think that The Giant is a "sissy." * You put white-out on the faces of your action figures, and then draw black  marks on their faces.  * You give crotch chops to the opposing team during a softball game.  * You feel sorry for jobbers.  * You light your bed on fire and fight your brother in it. * Your teacher gives you detention, you give them a Stone Cold Stunner and  walk out of class, flashing your middle fingers. * You leapfrog over people while playing football, then you turn around and  clothesline them. * You publish a shirt that say's, "Jay Leno 1-0 Who's Next?" * Every time you sit down at a table you consider how easily it might break if  you were to moonsault it. * You constantly deny that Brian Christopher is your son. * After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back. * You chokeslam your cat. * You elbow smash your dog and turn him/her over for the three counts. * Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a sleeper. * When you put your kids to bed, you tell them to "Rest In Peace." * You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask. * Instead of opening a can of tuna you open up a can of whoop ass on your  cat. * In the school cafeteria, you come up behind a kid and hit him with a  chair and look around for crowd responses. * You walk down the aisle at a church giving high fives as the people hold up  signs and chant your name. * You won't come out of your room until your parents play your theme on the  radio.      

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