Sunday, February 14

Valentines Day Special! My One And Only

Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London.

The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'

Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".'
The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'

Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'

Valentines Day Special! Q and A

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
Answer: "I'm sweet on you!"

What did one piece of string say to the other?
Answer: "Be my valentwine!
Answer 2: "I'm so intwined by you."

What did the letter say to the stamp?
Answer: You send me.

What did the stamp say to the envelope?
Answer: I'm stuck on you.

What happened when the two tennis players met?
Answer: It was lob at first sight!
Answer 2: Nothing - the game ended Love - All!

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Answer: Hogs and kisses!

What did one pickle say to the other?
Answer: "You mean a great dill to me."

What is a ram's favorite song?
Answer: I only have eyes for ewe, Dear

What did one light bult say to the other?
Answer: "You light up my life!"
Answer 2: "I love you a whole watt!"

What did the vacuum cleaner say to the outlet?
Answer: "I really get a charge out of you!"

What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
Answer: Forget-me-nuts.

What did the engine say to the key?
Answer: "You turn me on!"

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
Answer: "I'm sweet on you!"

What did the iPod say to it's owner?
Answer: "You make me so very appy!"

What did one calculator say to the other?
Answer: "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways!"

What do you call two birds in love?
Answer: Tweethearts!

What is a vampire's sweetheart called?
His ghoul-friend.

What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
Answer: Ughs and kisses!

Friday, February 5

Mike is DEAD!

Two guys in a bar...

One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!"

" Wooo, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he
arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit
the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed
in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the
floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room
and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just
dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing
down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the
wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull
himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks
and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the
downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the
kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big
pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and
burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground,
covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull
himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he ..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my fucking house."

Sunday, January 17

Third Grade or Delhi University?

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of

her students

The teacher asked,”Boy. what is your problem?”

Boy. answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade! .My sister is in
the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!”

Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal’s office.
While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would
give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed
to take the test.

Princi! pal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Boy.: “9″.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Boy.: “36″.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, “I think Boy.
can go to the third-grade.”

Ms Neelam says to the principal, “I have some of my own questions.

Can I ask him ?” The principal and Boy. both agree.

Ms Neelam asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Boy., after a moment “Legs.”

M! s Nee lam: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

Boy.: “Pockets.”

Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,

oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy.: Coconut

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And

sticky? The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could

stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.

Boy.: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting

down and a dog does on three legs? The principal’s ey! es open

really wide and before he could stop the answer…

Boy.: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?

Boy.: Yep.

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up. I get wet before you do.

Boy.: Tent

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re

bored. The best man always has me first.The Principal was

looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy.: Wedding Ring

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good.

Boy.: Nose

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a

Boy.: Arrow

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means lot
of heat and excitement?

Boy.: Firetruck

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ & if u don’t get
it u have to use ur hand.

Boy.: Fork

Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it’s longer on some men
than on others, the pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife
after they’re married?


Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots
of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?

Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

“Send this Boy. to Delhi University, I got the last ten questions
wrong myself!”

Saturday, December 19

Good Manners

A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said: Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?

Sherman said: I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.

That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?

Johnny said I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.

The teacher fainted.

Friday, December 18

Brunette, Red head and a Blonde

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''