Good Manners

A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said: Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?

Sherman said: I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.

That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?

Johnny said I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.

The teacher fainted.

Lost Homework

Little Johnny looked so sad his teacher had to inquire what was
wrong. “What’s the problem?” she asked. “I hope it’s not about
your homework again.”

“Well, uh, yes it is,” Little Johnny says. “I accidentally made my
homework paper into a paper airplane.”

“That wasn’t the smartest thing to do,” said the teacher, “But,
just this once, I’ll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in.”

“Sorry, but that won’t work,” Little Johnny replied, looking even
sadder. “You see, the plane was hijacked!”

Little Johnny Meets Obama

Little Johnny is at it again... President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'?

So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered:

'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy?'> 'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.' The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss... and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.

LUCKY JOHNNY

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, saying, "Johnny, this is where you came from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting that all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd".

LITTLE JOHNNY WANTS TO SETTLE DOWN

Little Johnny and Little Lisa are only 10 years old, but they know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Lisa's father to ask for his blessing. 

Johnny  bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Jones, me and Lisa are in love and I  want to ask you for your blessing."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Jones replies, "Well  Johnny, you're only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In  Lisa's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just cute, Mr. Jones says, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a  job. How will you afford food and rent?"

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "With our allowance.  Lisa gets 5 bucks  a week and I get 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and  that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Jones is realizing that Johnny has put much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up  with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

He then says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you've got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.  What will you do if the two of you should kids of your own?"

Johnny shrugs his shoulders and says "We've been lucky so  far..."

LITTLE JOHNNY UNDER THE BED

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him  sitting on the side of his bed putting a condom onto his penis in  preparation of sex with his wife. 

Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on  it, bent over as if to look under the bed. 

Little Johnny asked curiously "Whatcha doin daddy?" 

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the  bed,  to which Little Johnny replied 

"Whatcha gonna do, f*@#% him?"

LITTLE JOHNNY TELLS THE TRUTH

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Little Johnny replies, "A teacher."

LITTLE JOHNNY TAKES IT ALL OFF

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher,  indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the  differences between boys and girls.  Could you please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." 

So Little Johnny's mother takes him by the hand, upstairs to her  bedroom, and closes the door. 

"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." 

So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. 

"Take off my skirt..." 

Little Johnny takes off her skirt. 

"Take off my bra." 

He takes off her bra.

"Now, Johnny, please take off my panties."

When Little Johnny is finally done taking off the clothes, she says, "Johnny, Please don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

LITTLE JOHNNY: SUNDAY SCHOOL JABBER

Little Lucy was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. 

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Lucy, who created the universe?" When Lucy didn't stir, Little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. 

"God Almighty! " shouted Lucy and the teacher said, "Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep. 

A while later the teacher asked Lucy, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Lucy didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Lucy and the teacher said, "Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep. 

Then the teacher asked Lucy a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin. This time Lucy jumped up and shouted, 

"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

LITTLE JOHNNY'S HOLIDAY SPELL

Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their holidays.  She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the Summer. 

"We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota," he said.

"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher
said, "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"

Little Johnny thought about it and said, "Come to think of
it, we went to Iowa."

LITTLE JOHNNY'S 1st DAY

Little Johnny comes home from his first day of school.  His mother asks, "What did you learn in school today?" 

Little Johnny replies, "Not much. They want me back tomorrow.

LITTLE JOHNNY: PIECE OF CAKE

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'm gonna go play in my room for a couple of hours.  I sure would like a piece of cake after though!

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Wow!, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing
first!"

LITTLE JOHNNY ON THE WALL

The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, "Who broke down the walls of Jericho?"

Little Johnny replies,  "I dunno, but it wasn't me!"

The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny's lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

The principal replies,  "I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I,  as principal is satisfied that it is the truth."

Even more appalled,  the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story...

After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!"

LITTLE JOHNNY ON THE BUS

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat. The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor.

Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said,
"If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that.

The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this stupid bus."

LITTLE JOHNNY ON BUGS

The Teacher asked Little Johnny, "How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?"

Little Johnny replied, "Just Don't bite any."

LITTLE JOHNNY: NIPPED IN THE BUD

One day, the teacher asked her class 'What vegetable makes you cry?'

Little Johnny replies "a turnip".

"No Johnny' says the teacher, "Onions make you cry, not turnips"

"No Miss" Says Johnny, "Have you never been hit in the balls with a turnip?"

LITTLE JOHNNY: MY DOG

Little Johnny's teacher said, "Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."

Did you copy hers?, she asked.

Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"

LITTLE JOHNNY MISBEHAVES

Little Johnny had just returned from his summer break and gone back to school. Three days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. "Hold on," she said. "I had Johnny with me for the entire summer and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

LITTLE JOHNNY KNOWS THE WAY

A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven! Heaven!"  Yelled Little Lisa..

"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest.

"Dead!"  Yelled Little Johnny.

LITTLE JOHNNY IS A STRAIGHT MAN

Little Johnny was asked by his teacher to spell "straight," little Johnny did so without error. "Bravo," said the teacher, "now, what does it mean?" "Without water in it."