Third Grade or Delhi University?

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of

her students

The teacher asked,”Boy. what is your problem?”

Boy. answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade! .My sister is in
the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!”

Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal’s office.
While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would
give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed
to take the test.

Princi! pal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Boy.: “9″.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Boy.: “36″.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, “I think Boy.
can go to the third-grade.”

Ms Neelam says to the principal, “I have some of my own questions.

Can I ask him ?” The principal and Boy. both agree.

Ms Neelam asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Boy., after a moment “Legs.”

M! s Nee lam: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

Boy.: “Pockets.”

Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,

oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy.: Coconut

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And

sticky? The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could

stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.

Boy.: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting

down and a dog does on three legs? The principal’s ey! es open

really wide and before he could stop the answer…

Boy.: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?

Boy.: Yep.

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up. I get wet before you do.

Boy.: Tent

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re

bored. The best man always has me first.The Principal was

looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy.: Wedding Ring

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good.

Boy.: Nose

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver.

Boy.: Arrow

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means lot
of heat and excitement?

Boy.: Firetruck

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ & if u don’t get
it u have to use ur hand.

Boy.: Fork

Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it’s longer on some men
than on others, the pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife
after they’re married?

Boy.: SURNAME

Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots
of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?

Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

“Send this Boy. to Delhi University, I got the last ten questions
wrong myself!”

Good Manners

A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said: Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?

Sherman said: I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.

That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?

Johnny said I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.

The teacher fainted.

Unfaithful Wives

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

Outsmarted

There was this girl and she was walking home from school when 2 boys said “Climb up that tree and i will give you $20″ then when she got home she yelled “hey momm i got $20 from 2 boys because i climbed up a tree.” “thats good honey” and she did the same thing the next day and said to her mom “i got $20 again” .you know that there only doing that to look at your nickers.
“oh”
and she did it again .
“do you remember what i told you” said her mom.
Yeah i outsmarted them i took my nickers off….

Cowboy and the Indians

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

How To Tell Where A Driver Is From...

One hand on wheel, One hand on horn: CHICAGO.

One hand on wheel, Middle finger out window: NEW YORK.

One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, Cutting across all lanes
of traffic: NEW JERSEY.

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, Foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON.

One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: INDIANA.......but, driving in CALIFORNIA.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY.

One hand on 12oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, Banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE.

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator, and both feet on brake, Throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS.

Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun ounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, Squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate, in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA.

One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister: ARKANSAS (or WEST VIRGINIA).

Tough guy eh?

A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back she's crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happend.

"As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long"!

The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket.

"He also said he wants to screw me all night long"!! By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table.

"He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night"!!! The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer.

His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasn't doing anything about the jerk at the pool table.

The boyfriend says "I'm sorry Honey, - but I'm not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer"!

The Fight!

Kelly limps into his favorite pub...

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley", whispered Kelly to the beertender.

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit." Kelly said.
"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

Ostrich & Pussy Cat

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat". They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat". He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!"

So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat".

The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?". 

The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish".

"What did you wish for?" said the Barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"

Male Strippers

So the other day in Cleveland, a Total Blond went with friends to a 'Ladies Night Club' [think Chippendales]. 

One of the women wanted to impress her pals so she pulled out a $10 bill. The dancer came over, she licked the $10 and stuck it on his butt. 

Not to be outdone, the next woman pulls out a $50 bill. She called the guy back over, licks the $50 bill, and sticks it on his other butt cheek. 

Now the attention is focused on The Blond. What could she do to top that? She got out her wallet, thought for a minute, then the 'shopper' in her took over. She got her ATM card, swiped it down his crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.

Blondes are like...

Blondes are like vaccuum cleaners: They suck, they blow, and they get laid in a closet!

Blondes are likes bowling balls: you pick them up, finger them, throw them in the gutter and they comd back for more!

Alien Sex

One night a couple was sitting on the couch talking when they heard a terrible noise outside. They ran out to see what it was. When they got there they were shocked to see that and alien spaceship had landed in their backyard. The aliens said, "Don't worry we come in peace. We just want to talk." 

So the couple and the aliens sit down to talk. After awhile they start to get tired to they decide to go to bed. The alien couple said, "Look we've never had sex with a human and we know you've never had sex with an alien so how about we switch places for the night." The human couple agreed. The human woman and the male alien began messing around in a bedroom. 

When the alien man pulled out his dick the woman complained that it was too small, so he said, "Oh thats no problem look." He hit himself in the forehead and it grew 1 inch. 

"Wow thats amazing" 

"Yeah" he replied "just keep doing that until it is the size you want it." 

Well after awhile she got it where she wanted it and then complained that it was too small around. so he said' "Well watch this" And pulled his ears. It got bigger around. "just keep doing that until its the size you want it." After that they started having sex. 

The next morning after the aliens left the human couple were talking and the male asks, "So how was it?" She replied' 

"It was the best thing that has ever happened to me. What about you?" 

"Well I hated it!" 

"Why?" 

"The bitch kept hitting me and pulling my ears!"

A Day At The Bank

One day a young just married couple were driving in their audi TT. Their names were Harder (male) and Fuck Me (female). 

Harder and Fuck me needed some cash, so they stopped at a local bank. Harder 
ran in to the ATM while Fuck Me waited in the car.

A strange man with an obvious giant boner walks up to the window and says "Hi, whats your name?" and she answers "Fuck Me". So he says "Ok" and gets in the car and screws her.

She starts screaming "Harder Harder Harder!!!" And then he says "Lady I can't fuck that hard!"

Blonde Career Choices

A very well-built young blond was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?" 

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

Blonde Baby Delivery Question

A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

Joke Of The Day

Banta fell in love with a college girl but did not know how to propose marriage to her. After much thinking he asked, "Sujata, would you like to be the mother of my children?" Sujata replied, "Why not? How many have you?" 

Spoken English

There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. 
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. 

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. 

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So she brought her husband to the store..................because he spoke English. 

The cab driver and the nun

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. 
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you". 
She answers: "My son, you cannot offend me. When you are as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you see and hear just about everything. There's nothing you could ask that would offend me." 
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me". 
She responds: " Okay, but you have to be single and you have to be Catholic". 
The cab driver is very excited and says "Yes, I'm single and I'm Catholic". 
"OK" says the nun. "Pull into the next alley". 
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush, but when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 
"My dear child" says the nun. "Why are you crying?" 
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish". 
The nun says "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Purim party." 

THE NIGHT OF APRIL 1ST

Defense Attorney: 
Will you please state your age? 

Little Old Lady: 
I am 86 years old. 

Defense Attorney: 
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: 
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, 
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.. 

Defense Attorney: 
Did you know him? 

Little Old Lady: 
No, but he sure was friendly.. 

Defense Attorney: 
What happened after he sat down? 

Little Old Lady: 
He started to rub my thigh. 

Defense Attorney: 
Did you stop him? 

Little Old Lady: 
No, I didn't stop him. 

Defense Attorney: 
Why not? 

Little Old Lady: 
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.. 

Defense Attorney: 
What happened next? 

Little Old Lady: 
He began to rub my breasts. 

Defense Attorney: 
Did you stop him then? 

Little Old Lady: 
No, I did not stop him.. 

Defense Attorney: 
Why not? 

Little Old Lady: 
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! 

Defense Attorney: 
What happened next? 

Little Old Lady: 
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 
'Take me, young man. Take me now!' 

Defense Attorney: 
Did he take you? 

Little Old Lady: 
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard. 

100 Reasons It's Great to be a Guy!

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. 
3. You know stuff about cars. 
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. 
5. Monday Night Football. 
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives. 
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 
8. You can open all your own jars. 
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight. 
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind. 
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying. 
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 
13. All your orgasms are real. 
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. 
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. 
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 
17. You understand why Stripes is funny. 
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group. 
19. Your last name stays put. 
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. 
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 
22. You can kill your own food. 
23. The garage is all yours. 
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. 
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. 
27. You never have to clean the toilet. 
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. 
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. 
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship 
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. 
35. You don't have to shave below your neck. 
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite. 
37. If you're 40 and single nobody notices. 
38. You can write your name in the snow. 
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. 
40. Everything on your face stays its original color. 
41. Chocolate is just another snack. 
42. You can be president. 
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. 
44. Flowers fix everything. 
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough. 
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. 
51. Foreplay is optional. 
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room. 
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by. 
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me) 
60. The world is your urinal. 
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff. 
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 
64. One mood, all the time. 
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. 
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too yucky. 
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing. 
69. Same work....more pay. 
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character. 
71. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. 
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. 
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. 
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts. 
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 
77. The remote is yours and yours alone. 
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 
79. ESPN's sports center. 
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. 
81. Bachelor parties whip ass over bridal showers. 
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed. 
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!" 
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. 
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary. 
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood. 
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. 
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. 
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. 
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" 
99. Baywatch 
100. There is always a game on somewhere