Brunette, Red head and a Blonde

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''

Bottom Deodorant

A blonde walks into a Pharmacy and asks a clerk for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist overhears and is a little bemused. He explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." We just have underarm deodorants.

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."

About an hour later, she returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the deodorant back and reads out loud from the package,

"To apply, push up bottom."

Thanksgiving Practical Joke

Last Thanksgiving, my mom decided to play a trick on my sister (who's blonde). To get her out of the house, she convinced her that we needed more half and half for the coffee.
While my sister was out, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, then put it inside the turkey, packing stuffing all around it. She then put the turkey back in the oven.
When everything was ready, my sister took the turkey out of the oven and began to remove the stuffing. When she felt something, she reached in and pulled out the Cornish hen.
Pretending to be shocked, by mother exclaimed, "Patti, you've cooked a pregnant turkey!"
My sister began to cry and was inconsolable. It took us half an hour to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Civic Lesson

In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old.

A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how unfair it was to require the candidate to be a natural born citizen. In her opinion, that made it impossible for many qualified people to run for the office. She went on and on, wrapping up her argument with "What makes a natural born citizen more qualified to be President than one born by C-Section?"

Are You Really Sure?

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

On Death Row

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. 

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." 

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. 

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." 

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ." 

The blonde shouts, "fire!!" 

Odd-dometor

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, 'There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.' 

'That doesn't matter,' replied the blonde, 'if I only can sell the car.' 

'Okay,' said the brunette. 'Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.' 

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, 'Did you sell your car?' 

'No,' replied the blonde, 'why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.'

New Paint Color

Have you heard that Benjamin Moore came out with a new paint color called "blond"?

It's not too bright, but it spreads real easy.

MS Word for Blondes

Mean Blonde Jokes

Q: Why are blonde jokes so mean?

A: Because the blondes never understand them.

Male Strippers

So the other day in Cleveland, a Total Blond went with friends to a 'Ladies Night Club' [think Chippendales]. 

One of the women wanted to impress her pals so she pulled out a $10 bill. The dancer came over, she licked the $10 and stuck it on his butt. 

Not to be outdone, the next woman pulls out a $50 bill. She called the guy back over, licks the $50 bill, and sticks it on his other butt cheek. 

Now the attention is focused on The Blond. What could she do to top that? She got out her wallet, thought for a minute, then the 'shopper' in her took over. She got her ATM card, swiped it down his crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.

M & M Blonde

Why can a blonde work in a m&m factory ??????

Because she throws out all the w's!!!!!!
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How do u keep a blonde occupied for a couple of hours?????

Give her a bag of m&m's and tell her to put them in alpabetical order!!!
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Lenten Honeymoon

On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"

Keys locked in the car by a Blonde

Two blondes are locked out of their car. They can see the keys lying on the front seat. 

One looks up and says "Oh no, it is going to rain, hurry up, the top's down.

Keys in the ignition

One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car.

"If I take them out of the car I lose them," she reasoned. 

"Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband countered. 

"Oh that's okay," the wife chirped happily, "I keep a spare key in the glove box!"

Interview Bonanza

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead apply for a position at a large company.

First the brunette goes in. The guy looks over her application and asks her one question: "How many D's are there in 'Bonanza'?"

The brunette replies, "None."

The guy says, "OK, you may go into the next room for the next stage of the interviewing process."

The redhead goes in next. The guy asks her the same question: "How many D's are in 'Bonanza'?"

She replies, "None."

The guy says, "OK, you may go into the next room."

The blonde goes in and he asks the same question: "How many D's are in 'Bonanza'?"

After counting on her fingers for a few minutes the blonde replies: "77."

The guy, in shock, asks her how she came up with 77.

She says: "Dun da da dun dun da dun dun da da" 

If you're blonde, don't ride

A blonde had a near death experience that has changed her forever. The other day, she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. 

Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. 

Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.

four by twos

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, 'We need some four-by-twos.' 

The clerk said, 'You mean two-by-fours, don't you?' 

The man said, 'I'll go check,' and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, 'Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.' 

'Alright. How long do you need them?' 

The customer paused for a minute and said, 'I'd better go check.' After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, 'A long time. We're gonna build a house.'

Fixing dents in the car

A blonde woman was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a really bad hail storm. The hail stones were as big as golf balls and her car gets dented up really bad. The next day she takes it in to a repair shop to have the dents looked at.

The repair guy noticing that she is blonde and quite dingy when she speaks, decides to have some fun and tells her to blow into the tail pipe of the car really hard when she gets home, and that doing this will cause all of the dents to pop out.

When she gets home she starts blowing into the tail pipe as hard as she can, over and over. Just then, her best friend who also is blonde shows up. Her friend sees her blowing into the tail pipe and is quite startled by the action. She blurts out all flippantly, "What are you doing!?"

She tells her the repair guy told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard and the dents would pop out.

Her girlfriend says "Duh! You need to roll up the windows first!"

Fallen Bridge

blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river. 

The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down. 

She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back. 

He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back." 

She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"