Valentines Day Special! My One And Only

Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London.

The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'

Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".'
The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'

Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'

Computer Acronyms !!

Computer Acronyms !! Do You Know What They Really Mean!

• PCMCIA:- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
• ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
• APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Loving Entity
• SCSI: System Can't See It
• DOS: Defective Operating System
• BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
• IBM: I Blame Microsoft
• DEC: Do Expect Cuts
• CD-ROM: Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months
• OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
• WWW: World Wide Wait
• MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
• PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
• AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
• LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses
• MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
• WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
• MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
• RISC: Reduced Into Silly Code

Funny computer quotes

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
-- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
-- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
-- Ken Olson, president, chairman/founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,1977

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet."'
-- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer

Bigger in Texas

A blind man is travelling to Texas. He feels the seats of the train and says to the man next to him he says “These seats sure are big” to which the man replies “Everything is bigger in texas”. He then checks into is hotel and goes to the bar. He feels the beer glass and says to the bartender “The glasses sure are big” to which the bartender says “Everything is bigger in Texas”. The blind man the asks to go to the lavatory.The bartender gave him directions. On the way he takes a wrong turn, slips and falls into the swimming pool. Scared to death he shouts “Dont flush!!!! Dont flush!!!!”………………..

Spell Checker

I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

Twitter jokes

Twitter addict receives phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says,

"I have some good news and some bad news."
Twitter addict,

"OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says,

"The good news is, you've got only 24 more hours to live."
Twitter addict,

"Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says,

"The bad news is, Twitter is down."

Funny Operator Joke

Sweet grandmother telephoned Mary Hitchcock Memorial Hospital. She timidly asked,

‘Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is
doing?’

The operator said, ‘I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name
and room number?’

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, ‘Norma Findlay, Room
302.’

The operator replied, ‘Let me place you on hold while I check with her
nurse.’

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, ‘Oh, I
have good news.

Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure
is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician,
Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.’

The grandmother said, ‘Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news.’

The operator replied, ‘You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your
daughter?’

The grandmother said, ‘No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me
shit.’

Speeding?

A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an
hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following
her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.

When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles
following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she
looked around, there were three cops following her.

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She
screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies’ room. Ten
minutes later, she innocently walked out.

The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Then,
without batting an eye, she said coyly, “I’ll bet none of
you thought I would make it.”

Glass of Water

One night a father sent his son upstairs to bed. Fiveminutes later the boy screamed, ''Dad! Can you get me aglass of water!?!''

''No. You had your chance. Be quiet and go to sleep.

''A minute later the boy screamed, ''Dad!! Can you PLEASE getme a glass of water?''

''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come upthere and spank you.

''A minute later the boy yelled, ''Dad, when you come up tospank me can you bring me a glass of water?''

Why people like going to church

Preacher said: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and
throw it into the river"..
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in
the river".
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all
and throw it in the river".
Again thecongregation cried, "Amen!"

The preacher sat down.

The deacon then stood up & said:
"For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and
sing,
'We shall drink from that river'". THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUJAH!!!!!

Breakfast at any time.

I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

MS Word for Blondes

Blonde Tech Support

Did you here about the blonde who called tech support because when she typed in her password, all she got were little stars?

$18 Bill

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Southern town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went. He found a tiny town with a single store. 

He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said. The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Sure, Mister. Ya'll want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

Very bad private eye

Considers reading "The Hardy Boys Mysteries" actually helpful reasearch. 


He has a pet basset hound named "Flash" that acts as his trusty assistant. 


His best disguise is wearing a hat. 


Keeps getting confused and follows you all the time. 


Won't read any messages without his trusty decoder ring. 


Dresses up like Jessica Fletcher from "Murder She Wrote" when he thinks he's caught the suspect. 

Yeshiva University

A young stranger in New York was seeking Yeshiva University but the many directions he had received only confused him and he became lost. Luckily, he saw a learned old man approaching him with a load of books under his arm. He stopped the professorial man. "Tell me, sir, how do I get to Yeshiva University?" 
The old man thought about the question for a moment or two and then replied, 
"Study, young man. Constant study!"

Having Cake

A man was very hungry, and went to buy cakes at a snack bar. When he finished a cake, he found he hadn't had enough, and so ate a second one. He felt so hungry that after eating six cakes in succession, he still hadn't satisfied his hunger. Not till the seventh cake was eaten up, did he feel satisfied. Then, suddenly, he had a feeling of regret. 

"Ah, if I had known this before, I would have eaten the seventh cake first and that would have been enough and there would not have been any need to eat those six others." 

Sainthood For Marcos

I heard recently that no Filipino saints have ever been selected and feel this is a wrong that must be righted. I know of at least one Filipino who has passed the criteria for sainthood (performing three miracles), Ferdinand Marcos. The miracles he performed are: 

1) He took millions, possibly billions of dollars out of one of the world's poorer nations. 

2) He stayed married to Imelda for over 30 years. 

3) He died of natural causes.

Enron Transcripts

The real reason the administration doesn't want to release the transcripts of the energy council meetings is because at one point you would hear Kenneth Lay barking, "Turn off that pacemaker Cheney. It's interfering with my cell phone." 

The Farthest And The Nearest

After a party, the guests discussed how far they needed to travel before they could reached their beds. One particularly drunk guest said, "I'm the nearest." 

A few other guests muttered: "No, the host is the nearest." The drunk guest mumbled: "Not so. He has to walk all the way to his bedroom. All I have to do is to collapse on the floor here."