Wednesday, August 5
Friday, July 31
Unfaithful Wives
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”
His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”
Outsmarted
There was this girl and she was walking home from school when 2 boys said “Climb up that tree and i will give you $20″ then when she got home she yelled “hey momm i got $20 from 2 boys because i climbed up a tree.” “thats good honey” and she did the same thing the next day and said to her mom “i got $20 again” .you know that there only doing that to look at your nickers.
“oh”
and she did it again .
“do you remember what i told you” said her mom.
Yeah i outsmarted them i took my nickers off….
Tuesday, July 28
Spell Checker
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.
Ways To Have Fun in the Workplace
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge.
Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.
Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "oh you've got to be faster than that.
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
10 Office Rules
9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
8. Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
7. Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
6. Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy.
5. Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
4. Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
3. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
2. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember, they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
1. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!
Sunday, July 26
TOP 10 Online Gamers I’d Like To Stab in the Face with a Controller
10. The Tea-Bagger
The guy who has been doing this since video game characters were given the ability to crouch. He’s never grown out of it and probably never will. It’s likely he was the victim of real tea-bag attacks during his formative High School years.
9. The Tactical Nazi
He’s never been in the military and most likely has never had to devise any sort of real plan of attack other than the occasional water balloon fight but will verbally assault anyone on his team that does not follow his direct orders.
8. The Thug
This tough guy will threaten to shove parts of his anatomy through parts of yours. His kill/death ratio has him convinced that he is a bad ass but would probably urinate in his sweatpants if ever confronted with a real fight.
7. The Stalker
You never should have accepted this friend request. You can’t sign on without an invite 10 seconds later to a game you don’t even own. While playing an intense online shooter he will constantly distract you and cause your death by sending chat requests, game invites and messages.
6. The Noisemaker
A lobby terrorist. His A.D.D. kicks in and will begin to make siren, screeching, or fart noises until a match begins. You can’t tell him to stop because no one can make a noise high-pitched enough to match his.
5. The American Idol
Much like the “Noisemaker”, this person will sing songs into his headset like he’s trying to make it into the Karaoke World Finals. A close relative to the “American Idol” is the guy who plays his own music via stereo directly into his mic.
4. The Tourettes Baby
The foulest of mouths in online gaming. This child isn’t old enough to participate in any of the things he’s screaming about but will try to convince you that he’s had sex with every member of your family including the dog.
3. The Homophobe
This guy doesn’t understand the concept of the gay culture. He believes that fairly killing him in an online match is the calling card of a homosexual and the only reason you targeted him is because you want to force him into a scene from a prison shower.
2. The Racist
This guy knows he can’t get away with it in the real world so he turns to the land of gaming to declare his ignorance to a bunch of people that will give him the reaction he so desperately needs. He talks as big as the “Thug” but is probably even more afraid of leaving his house.
1. Mega Douchebag Supreme
Mega Douchebag Supreme is a combination of the previous nine gamers and is the reason for the invention of the “Block Player” option that still isn’t available in enough games today. Once everyone on the planet blocks him, he will simply create a new account and torment online gamers for eternity. (Or at least until his parents kick him out of their basement and he has to get a job and become a productive member of society.)
The worst part about Mega Douchebag Supreme is that he is the one responsible for turning regular gamers into the thing they despise most because when you are subjected to enough of his antics, it is totally possible for you to snap and become the object of your own hate.
If you feel like you might have been kind of a douche in that last match, do yourself and the rest of the gaming community a favor… pull the plug and punch yourself in the face.
Monday, July 20
Twitter jokes
The doctor says,
Twitter addict,
The doctor says,
Twitter addict,
The doctor says,
Saturday, July 18
Monday, July 13
Saturday, July 11
Monday, July 6
Funny Operator Joke
‘Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is
doing?’
The operator said, ‘I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name
and room number?’
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, ‘Norma Findlay, Room
302.’
The operator replied, ‘Let me place you on hold while I check with her
nurse.’
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, ‘Oh, I
have good news.
Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure
is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician,
Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.’
The grandmother said, ‘Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news.’
The operator replied, ‘You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your
daughter?’
The grandmother said, ‘No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me
shit.’
Speeding?
hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following
her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles
following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she
looked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She
screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies’ room. Ten
minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Then,
without batting an eye, she said coyly, “I’ll bet none of
you thought I would make it.”
Lost Homework
wrong. “What’s the problem?” she asked. “I hope it’s not about
your homework again.”
“Well, uh, yes it is,” Little Johnny says. “I accidentally made my
homework paper into a paper airplane.”
“That wasn’t the smartest thing to do,” said the teacher, “But,
just this once, I’ll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in.”
“Sorry, but that won’t work,” Little Johnny replied, looking even
sadder. “You see, the plane was hijacked!”
Sunday, July 5
Glass of Water
''No. You had your chance. Be quiet and go to sleep.
''A minute later the boy screamed, ''Dad!! Can you PLEASE getme a glass of water?''
''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come upthere and spank you.
''A minute later the boy yelled, ''Dad, when you come up tospank me can you bring me a glass of water?''
Little Johnny Meets Obama
Little Johnny is at it again... President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'?
So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered:
'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy?'> 'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.' The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss... and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.
Saturday, July 4
Friday, July 3
21 Reasons Why best Friends are Better Than Boyfriend/Girlfriend
21 Reasons Why best Friends are Better Than Boyfriend/Girlfriend...
1.You don't have to call them every day, just to let them know you're not fighting
2.You don't have an anniversary-you just sort of "became" best friends.
3.When someone calls your girlfriend/boyfriend your "partner" it makes you think of marriage. When they call your best friend our partner, it's more
like cops.
4.You never have to touch your best friend when it's
hot outside, but you
can still huddle close when it's freezing.
5.Your parents usually like your best friend.
6.Your best friend doesn't care if you get fat, you're
ugly, or if you get a ard haircut.
7.You don't have to get jealous of "girls only" night
or "guys only" night -- You're part of it!
8.You can laugh at your best friend with no consequences.
9.You can burp/fart in front of your best friend on
any occasion.
10.You can plan on still having a relationship with
your best friend in 20 years.
11.Never in your life will you need "space" from your
best friend.
12.Your best friend won't be mad if you want some time
alone, and will only ask you "what's wrong?" once.
13.Your best friend is someone you get in trouble
with; your boyfriend/girlfriend is someone you get in trouble
with if you get in trouble.
14.You don't have to get dressed up to go anywhere
with your best friend.
15.You're allowed to have multiple best friends.
16.No one ever spreads rumors or talks about you and
your best friend's relationship.
17.Borrowing any amount of money from your best friend
is okay, no questions asked.
18.Your best friend will never refer to you as "the
ball and chain," "the old lady/man," or "the whip."
19.No one is ever trying to fix you up on blind dates
for a new best friend.
20.It doesn't matter what your "other" friends think
about your best friend.
21. Your best friend is the first person you call when
you get a new boy friend / girl friend, and when you break up with them.