Sunday, May 3

The birth of Yahoo!

An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says . . .

And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, “There will be a lot of banging in the land.”

And Abraham replied, “It is my most fervent wish that this be so.” And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother William’s drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.”

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, “eBay,” he said, “We need a name of a service that reflects what we are.” And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”

“Whoopee!” said Abraham.

“No, YAHOO!” said Dot Com.

New Twists on Old Phrases

What boots up must come down.
Windows will never cease.
Virtual reality is its own reward.
Modulation in all things.
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
There’s no place like http://www.home.com.
Home is where you hang your @.
The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
Great groups from little icons grow.
Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
C:\ is the root of all directories.
Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.
A chat has nine lives.
Don’t byte off more than you can view.
Fax is stranger than fiction.
Know what to expect before you connect.
Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
Speed thrills.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to surf the Web and he won’t bother you for weeks.
Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
The modem is the message.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
The geek shall inherit the earth.

A love poem

Roses have low spectral wavelengths
Violets have high
Cindy is unable to express these values in angstrom units
Cause she’s not as smart as I

- From the cartoon The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius

New Computer Software


ACME COMPUTER PRODUCTS AVAILABLE IN STORES ANY TIME NOW

HRTACHE.ZIP: Heartache 1.0. Turns your computer into a country and western karaoke machine, then drops it off of a cliff.

ERTHQAKE.ZIP: Earthquake 1.0. Simulates a 3-D earthquake in 256-color VGA, then blows up your monitor.

PANCAKE.ZIP : Pancake 1.0. Using your SmellBlaster ™ card, you will experience the aroma of pancakes. Then a cliff will be dropped on your computer.

TIDLWAVE.ZIP: Tidal Wave 1.0. Graphics display of a tidal wave on your screen! Then it floods your hard drive.

DSRTSAND.ZIP: Desert Sand 1.0. Looks like desert sand, feels like desert sand, tastes like desert sand! Then a sinkhole opens and sucks you and your computer into the depths of the earth.

CHRGCARD.ZIP: Charge Card 1.0. Provides unlimited access to the Acme charge card, as long as you have unlimited money in the bank and can provide a personal reference from Wile E. Coyote. Then it hits you on the head repeatedly.

Male or Female

5 reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. A better model is right around the corner.

3. They look attractive - until you take them home.

4. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

5. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

——————————————————————————–

5 reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. Even the smallest mistakes are committed to memory.

3. The native language used to communicate with others of their kind is incomprehensible to anyone else.

4. The message “bad command or file name” is about as informative as “If you don’t know what’s wrong, then I’m not going to tell you.”

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Computer Jokes…


Definition of an upgrade = Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

The day Microsoft will make something that doesn’t suck is probably the day they’ll start making vacuum cleaners.

Redmond, WA–Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system “Windows 2000″ will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

What do computers eat when they get hungry?
Chips.

How is the new iMac like a woman?
Neither one will take a 3 1/2 inch floppy and they both like a big hard drive.

What’s the difference between Windows 95 and a virus?
A virus does something.

Why is sex like software?
For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it for free.


SPAM I AM

My name is Spam.
Spam I Am.
I have some stuff I’d like to sell.
Take a look! It’s really swell!

I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it, Spam I Am.

Spam I Am:
$500 software that really rocks!
Just 20 bucks–still in the box!

You are really full of bunk.
I do not want your bootleg junk!
I do not want your worthless Spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.

Spam I Am:
How about some fast cash?
Fifty Thousand in a flash!!!

How stupid do you think I am?
I won’t join your shady scam.
You are a sucker, you silly gitch.
If it worked, we’d all be rich!
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.

Spam I Am:
Check out this great idea of mine!
For Web Hosting and Design!

I went to your site; it really sucks!
For this you’re charging lots of bucks?
You could at least learn to spell.
Why don’t you just go to hell.
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.

Don’t pretend your ads are new.
You insult us when you do.
I won’t buy your worthless stocks.
Our heads are not full of rocks
Stop it Spam. Enough’s enough.
I do not want your trashy stuff!
I do not want your damn spam!
I do not want it Spam I Am!

Domain names

Make sure you don’t make the same mistake when setting up your web page

It’s not always easy choosing the right domain name… but you can’t do
much worse than these people.

Firstly there is “Who Represents?” - a database for agencies to the rich and famous:

http://www.whorepresents.com

Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can
exchange advice and views:

http://www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:

http://www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try:

http://www.therapistfinder.com

Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New SouthWales:

http://www.molestationnursery.com


French computers

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

“House,” in French, is feminine-”la mansion.”

“Pencil,” in French, is masculine - “le crayon.”

One puzzled student asked, “…What gender is computer?…”

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn’t in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether “computer” should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men’s group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender (”la computer”), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (”le computer”), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you’d waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Nerd Season

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:

“Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk!”

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
“You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?”

“I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I’m hauling.”

“Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,” he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

“Why did you do that?”

“Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.”

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!

He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

“What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season,” says the truck driver.
“Well, sure,” says the patrolman. “But you can’t bait ‘em!”

Computer Viruses

Ellen Degeneres virus…..Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC

Monica Lewinsky virus…..Sucks all the memory out of your computer

Titanic virus…..Makes your whole computer go down

Disney virus…..Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Mike Tyson virus…..Quits after one byte

Lorena Bobbit virus…..Turns your hard disk into a 3.5-inch floppy

Tim Allen virus…..Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive

Woody Allen virus…..Bypasses the motherboard and turns on daughter card

Saddam Hussein virus…..Won’t let you into any of your programs

Tonya Harding virus…..Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons

Joey Buttafuoco virus…..Only attacks minor files

X-files virus…..All your Icons start shape-shifting

Ronald Reagan virus…..Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus…..Deletes your old files


When Choosing A Mate

When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Computer Engineers

DOCTORS
——- Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don’t expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he’ll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He’ll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he’ll ever meet another woman in his profession.

LAWYER
—— Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn’t have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.

SALESMAN
——– See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be travelling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don’t be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.

HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS,
———————- I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.

Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask “Honey, were you looking at her?”

, he’ll honestly be able to say that he didn’t even see her.

TEACHER
——- The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolise him. He’ll be in jail soon, and then you’ll have to look for another man.

Microhard

Did you hear that Bill Gates bought the world-wide rights to Viagra?
He’s renaming it MICROHARD.

New computer virus

The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.

The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e- mails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200 MB.

The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.

The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn’t care.

The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.

The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

and last but not least …

The LORENA BOBBITT virus: re formats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

Program

PROGRAM (pro’-gram)

[n] A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one’s input into error messages.

[v] To engage in a pastime similar to banging one’s head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.


Why email is like a

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

9. Those who have it think that those who don’t are somehow inferior.

8. Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s neat, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

7. Many of those who don’t have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call “E-mail Envy,” 6. It’s more fun when it’s up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

4. If you don’t take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

2. If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lotof trouble. And the number one reason Why E-mail is Like a Penis…

1. If you play with it too much, you’ll go blind.

Pentium 586

Q: Why didn’t Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

Floppy disks

Caring for floppy disks

ORIGAMI
Art of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result, put the floppy in the disk drive after folding it several times in different directions. With a little luck, you should be able to get it jammed. Now, ask yourself. How can your disk get damaged if you can’t even get it out of the drive?

SMOKE
Use cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking, blow directly to your disk. In that way, you will be able to destroy it soon, and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well.

PIRANHAS
If you don’t have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen. This wonderful method of “caring” for disks also often gives you a pretty bite-like design on the remaining pieces of the disk.

MAGNETS
They are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper weights, and stuck on the frige door. If you can’t find any, you can leave the floppies on the printer or on your display for a while, making sure that they are on.

MAIL
Put a disk in an envelope and don’t write any warning on it; then mail it to someone, and that’s all.

MAGIC TOUCH
Touch your floppy. As much as you can. If you have marmelade or butter in your fingers, better. Your floppy will acknowledge it.

DON’T USE ANY ENVELOPE
Archive them wihtout their envelope, piled under a lot of papers and manuals.

DON’T MAKE BACKUPS
Of course, if you don’t have any security copy, you won’t have to worry about how to destroy them once you have lost the original.

SUPREME STUPIDITY
It is the best way of destroying floppies. If you practice it regularly, you’ll find new methods to add to this list.

Computer scientist

A computer scientist died and of course was immediately sent to hell.

As he gloomily entered the infernal gates, he was amazed to find hell was a vast computer laboratory with equipment beyond his wildest dreams.

There were machines of unbelievable capacity and memory, machines that could work at speeds unheard of on earth.

“What do you think of hell?” asked the devil.

“Wonderful” said the computer scientist, “give me a few discs and let me try these machines out.”

“Ahhhhh!,” grinned the devil. “We’ve got no software down here.”


Computer scientist

A computer scientist died and of course was immediately sent to hell.

As he gloomily entered the infernal gates, he was amazed to find hell was a vast computer laboratory with equipment beyond his wildest dreams.

There were machines of unbelievable capacity and memory, machines that could work at speeds unheard of on earth.

“What do you think of hell?” asked the devil.

“Wonderful” said the computer scientist, “give me a few discs and let me try these machines out.”

“Ahhhhh!,” grinned the devil. “We’ve got no software down here.”