When Choosing A Mate

When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Computer Engineers

DOCTORS
——- Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don’t expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he’ll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He’ll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he’ll ever meet another woman in his profession.

LAWYER
—— Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn’t have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.

SALESMAN
——– See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be travelling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don’t be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.

HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS,
———————- I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.

Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask “Honey, were you looking at her?”

, he’ll honestly be able to say that he didn’t even see her.

TEACHER
——- The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolise him. He’ll be in jail soon, and then you’ll have to look for another man.

TheIsFriend

Why should volleyballers work at the cemetery?
They’re good at digging!

Bengals

Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website?
Because they couldnt put three W’s in a row.

Buckeyes vs Wolverines!

In the Ohio State Buckeyes locker room in Columbus, there’s a sign stating - “Play like champions today!”

There’s also one in the Michigan Wolverines locker room that says:
“Don’t forget your HELMET!”

'Marriage is the process377'

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Sms jokes

Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.

Sms jokes

Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own 

Sms jokes

He always finds himself lost in thought - it's an unfamiliar territory 

sms jokes

I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others

your password

U love someone
U marry someone else.
The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband.
And the one u loved becomes the password of Ur mail id"
       

My sayings

"Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy."

 "I won't come in your mouth, I promise."

 "I'm not really married."

 "It's only a cold sore."

 "Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality."

 "Size isn't important."

 "This won't hurt, I promise."

 "We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other."

 "We'll always be together."

 A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

 A man in the house is worth two in the street.

 A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

 A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

 Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

 All the good ones are taken.

 Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

 Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

 Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant

 Do it only with the best.

 Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

 Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.

 Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.

 If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

 If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

 If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above )

 If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married.

 If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

 If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments.

 It is always the wrong time of month.

 It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

 It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

 It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

 Love comes in spurts.

 Love is a hole in the heart.

 Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

 Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.

 Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

 Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.

 Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.

 Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.

 Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

 Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

 Never say no.

 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

 Nice guys finish last.

 No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

 No sex with anyone in the same office.

 Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.

 Nothing improves with age.

 One good turn gets most of the blankets.

 People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.

 Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

 Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

 Sex has no calories.

 Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

 Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

 Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

 Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

 Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are

 unimportant.

 Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

 Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.

 The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.

 The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it.

 The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

 The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

 The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.

 The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

 The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.

 The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

 The younger the better.

 There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

 There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

 There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

 Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.

 Virginity can be cured.

 What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

 When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa...

 When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

 You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

 You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.

 

 

 

 

Where is the earth !?

Titanic was sinking.

First guy: How much the earth is far from here?

Second guy: 1 kilo meter.

The first guy jumped into the sea and asked again: "...In which direction?"

Second guy: Downwards !!

Ant and mosquito got married

An Ant N Mosquito Got Married. 

And Went On Their Honey Moon... 
Mosquito Is Waiting Outside And His Friend Asks Him Whats Up Why R U Not Going To Ur Bride. 
Then Mosquito Replied How Could I Go In; She Kept ALL OUT Inside N Waiting For Me.

Why are Egyptian kids always confused

Q: Why Are Egyptian?S Children Always Confused? 

A: Because After Death, Their Daddy Becomes The Mummy.

Mr can u jump up and ten times

Doctor : Mr, Can U Jump Up And Ten Times ? 
Patient : But Why Docter ? 
Doctor : It Is Like ......,The Medicine I Just Gave You I Forgot To Shake It

A man approached a very beautiful woman

A Man Approached A Very Beautiful Woman In A Large Supermarket And Asked, You Know, I Have Lost My Wife Here In The Supermarket. Can You Talk To Me For A Couple Of Minutes? 

Why?, Asked The Girl. 

Because Every Time I Talk To A Beautiful Woman My Wife Appears Out Of Nowhere.

Jigsaw puzzle finished in record time

Dick Cheney Walks Into The Oval Office And Sees The President Whooping And Hollering. 

?What's The Matter, Mr. President?? The Vice President Inquired. 

?Nothing At All, Boss. I Just Done Finished A Jigsaw Puzzle In Record Time!? The President Beamed. 

?How Long Did It Take You?? 

?Well, The Box Said '3 To 5 Years' But I Did It In A Month!?

How much is that banana for

Customer : How Much Is That Banana For? 

Salesperson : Rs.10 

Customer : Can You Sell It To Me For Rs.6? 

Salesperson : At That Rate, You Will Only Get The Banana Peel! 

Customer : Okay I Will Buy The Banana For Rs.4 , But You Can Keep The Peel

There are many stars

There Are Many Stars But The Moon Is U, 
There Are Many Friends But The Best Is U, 
To Forget Me That’s Up To U, 
To Forget U I Will Never Ever Do

Frog - Psychic Hotline

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says "This is great! Will I meet her at a party or what?" "No," says the psychic, "next term in her biology lesson."