Types of Girls

Hard Disk Girls:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

Windows Girls:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

Screensaver Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

Internet Girls:
Difficult to access.

Server Girls:
Always busy when you need her.

Multimedia Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.

Email Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

Virus Girls:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.

Ten years

A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh, man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years ! "

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic !"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies "My God ! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there !" 

Funny Unanswered Questions

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids”?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?”

If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Random Q & A #1

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Unanswered

When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?

Why are builders afraid to have a thirteenth floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Aren’t all generalizations false?

Why aren’t there bullet-proof pants?

Sooner or later, doesn’t everyone stop smoking?

Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Why don’t you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

How can the weather be “hot as hell” one day and “cold as hell” another?

If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?

Why do they call it a TV “set” when you only get one?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Why do they call it a TV “set” when you only get one?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbit’s foot?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called “rush hour”?

If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Guess it

Why is it possible to see through preachers?
They are holy.

If Johns mom has 5 sons and their names are Ja, Je, Ji, and Jo.
Who is the last one?
John.

What do you get when you cross Pikachu with Exeggcute?
Fried Eggs!

Why do bees have sticky hair?
They use honeycombs.

What kind of flower do you have between your nose and your chin?
Tulips.

Courtroom

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.

Cow Jokes

Q: What do cows play at parties?
A: Moosical Chairs

Q: Why do cows like jokes?
A: Becuase they like to be amoosed.

Q: Where do cows go to have fun?
A: To the mooovies!

Q: What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A: A milkshake!

Q: Why do cows use the doorbell?
A: Because their horns don’t work!

Q: What do you get when you cross a cow with a rabbit?
A: Hare in your milk

Thief

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! This is no time for superstitions.

Little susie

Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, Shouting,

“Daddy!  Daddy!  I got a 100 in school today!”
“That’s great, Sweetheart,” said her daddy.
“Come in to the living room and tell me about it.”
“Well,”  began the confession, “I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math’s and 20 in science.”

A question to you

What do you do when your opponent claims to have found his ball in the rough and you know he's a liar because his ball is in your pocket?

 Answer in comments

Farmer goes to hell

A farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that a farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80 percent humidity. So the Devil goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer says, "I like it here, the temperature is just like plowing my fields in June."

The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90 percent.

After turning everything up he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy. The farmer says, "This is even better, it's like pulling weeds in the fields during July."

The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer, so he turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100 percent.

Once again, he goes looking for the farmer, and finds him sitting on the floor -- even happier than before! The farmer turns to the Devil and says, "This is great, it's just like working in the silo with my friends in August."

The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this farmer." He goes over and turns the temperature down to 25 degrees and sets the weather control to SNOW. "Lets see what the farmer has to say about this."

A little while later, the Devil finds the farmer - only nowhe's jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "The Packers have finally won the Superbowl!" 

Devil vs Lord

One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a Judo tournament. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I have Kano, Mifune, Kotani, Kimura and all the greatest players up here".
"Yes", snickered the Devil, "but I have all the referees."  

Tarzan Q and A

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

* * *

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

* * *

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

* * *

Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the elevator?
A: You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO

* * *

Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries. 

1215

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!" 

A letter to hotel manager

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too." 

3000$ for one night

A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprized to find they owe $3000.

"How's this? We've only been here one night!" the man was annoyed.

"So?", said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up."

"But we didn't use any of these!" explained the couple.

"If you didn't use - that's your problem," came the reply.

"In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said the man.

"What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!"

"If you didn't use - that's your problem!"  

Traveller's wife

A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks." 

I want to see the city

A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.

"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.

"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?" 

Frog - Psychic Hotline

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says "This is great! Will I meet her at a party or what?" "No," says the psychic, "next term in her biology lesson."