The Laws Of Work

1.

The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

   

2.

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

   

3.

A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.

   

4.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

   

5.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

   

6.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

   

7.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

   

8.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

   

9.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

   

10.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

   

11.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

   

12.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

   

13.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

   

14.

Arriving at work early sets an expectation that your less ambitious co-workers will not appreciate.

   

15.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

   

16.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

   

17.

To err is human, to forgive is not a part of company policy.

   

18.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

   

19.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

   

20.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.

   

21.

If you are really good, you will get out of it.

   

22.

You are always doing something frivolous when the boss drops by your desk.

   

23.

The people chosen to go to conferences are always the party animals with no intention of learning a thing.

   

24.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

   

25.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

   

26.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

   

27.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

   

28.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

   

29.

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

   

30.

No matter how much you do, you never do enough, let alone too much.

   

31.

The last person that quit or was fired will be blamed for everything that goes wrong.

You Know You're Getting Older When ...

1.		You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2.		Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3.		At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4.		Your back goes out but you stay home.
5.		When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6.		It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7.		When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8.		When happy hour is a nap.
9.		When you're on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.
10.		When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.
11.		When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12.		When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13.		Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14.		It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15.		Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16.		Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17.		You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18.		The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19.		"Getting lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20.		The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21.		It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22.		Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23.		You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24.		You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25.		You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26.		You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27.		You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28.		You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

 

The Laws Of Work

1.

The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

   

2.

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

   

3.

A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.

   

4.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

   

5.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

   

6.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

   

7.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

   

8.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

   

9.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

   

10.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

   

11.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

   

12.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

   

13.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

   

14.

Arriving at work early sets an expectation that your less ambitious co-workers will not appreciate.

   

15.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

   

16.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

   

17.

To err is human, to forgive is not a part of company policy.

   

18.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

   

19.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

   

20.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.

   

21.

If you are really good, you will get out of it.

   

22.

You are always doing something frivolous when the boss drops by your desk.

   

23.

The people chosen to go to conferences are always the party animals with no intention of learning a thing.

   

24.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

   

25.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

   

26.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

   

27.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

   

28.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

   

29.

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

   

30.

No matter how much you do, you never do enough, let alone too much.

   

31.

The last person that quit or was fired will be blamed for everything that goes wrong.

You Know You're Getting Older When ...

1.		You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2.		Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3.		At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4.		Your back goes out but you stay home.
5.		When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6.		It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7.		When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8.		When happy hour is a nap.
9.		When you're on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.
10.		When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.
11.		When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12.		When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13.		Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14.		It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15.		Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16.		Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17.		You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18.		The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19.		"Getting lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20.		The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21.		It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22.		Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23.		You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24.		You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25.		You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26.		You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27.		You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28.		You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

 

The Rules

Rule 1.	The Female always makes the rules.
Rule 2.	The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
Rule 3.	No male can possibly know all the rules.
Rule 4.	If the female thinks the male knows all the rules she immediately changes some or all of the rules.
Rule 5.	The female is NEVER wrong.
Rule 6.	If the female is wrong it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said.
Rule 7.	If rule 5 applies the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
Rule 8.	The female can change her mind at any given time without notice and as often as she desires.
Rule 9.	The male must NEVER change his mind without the express written consent of the female.
Rule 10.	The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
Rule 11.	The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
Rule 12.	Any attempts by the male to document the rules may result in actual bodily harm.
Rule 13.	The female may break any rule at any time.
Rule 14.	If the female has PMS, all the rules are null and void.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Lessons on living from children.

   

"Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching." - Andrew, Age 9.

 

"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls." - Rocky, age 9    

"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning." - Stephanie, age 8

 

"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower." - Lamar, age 10    

"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes." - Carrol, age 9

   

"Never bug a pregnant mom." - Nicholas, age 11    

"Don't ever be too full for dessert." - Kelly, age 10    

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him." - Heather, age 16    

"Never tell your mom her diet's not working." - Michael, age 14    

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." - Joel, age 12    

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone." - Alyesha, age 13  

"Never try to baptize a cat." - Laura, age 13  

""Never spit when on a roller coaster." - Scott, age 11  

"Never do pranks at a police station." - Sam, age 10  

"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving." - Rob, age 10  

"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mum told you to do." - Hank, age 12  

"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand." - Molly, age 11  

"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information." - Chelsey, age 7  

"Stay away from prunes." - Randy, age 9  

"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car." - Phillip, age 13  

"Forget the cake, go for the icing." - Cynthia, age 8  

"Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and Grandma's house." - Joanne, age 11  

"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents." - Matthew, age 12

Real Estate Definitions

Looking for a home? Learn to read between the lines in those real estate ads.

   

"Sophisticated city living" - Next to a noisy bar.

 

"Old World Charm" - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning.    

"Contemporary feeling" - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.

 

"Close to Lakes" - Impossible to park from April to October.    

"Wide open floor plan" - Previous owner removed supporting walls.

   

"Security System" - Neighbor has a dog.    

"Needs TLC" - Major structural damage.    

"Updated kitchen" - Sink no longer overflows.    

"Motivated seller" - Has been on the market for 14 years.    

"Convenient" - Located on freeway entrance ramp.    

"Mint" - Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.  

"Neutral decor" - No murals of nudes, or Elvis, but has brown walls.  

"Move in condition" - Front door missing.  

"Cozy" - No room larger than 9 x 6.  

"Lower level family room" - Ping Pong table over sewer opening.  

"Light open spaces" - Many holes in walls and ceiling.  

"Outstanding" - Painted purple, sticks out like a sore thumb.    

Actual Errors in Newspapers

I's very happy," said Olga, a medical student in perfect English.

 

The house was trimmed in pink, white and blue with babies hanging from the ceiling and nursing bottles galore.    

The 53-year-old candidate for the Congress, now of Little Rock, was born on a farm in Kansas City 68 years ago.

   

Headline: SUSPECT TAKEN IN MIAMI JEWEL CASE    

We are not responsible for errors in the Calfficied Ads.

   

To Mr. and Mrs. Ben M. , a son, 7 lbs. 12 oz. more to come more more mor.    

We have received a new shipment of Arrow shirts for men with 16 necks.    

We are happy to announce the engagement of Gene Kelly to Prince Rainier. He will now become a princess.    

Smokers, the next time you light up, try Chesterfields if you really want a good choke.    

Ann Landers will be glad to help you with your parents. Send them to her in care of this newspaper.    

The fatal accident occurred at 125th Street as the dead man was crossing the intersection.  

Charles H. Horn goes to Georgia Tech to study unclear physics.  

LBJ COLD ALMOST OVER, FUNERAL TRIP STILL UNCERTAIN  

The Tuesday matinee at the Arcadia Theater will be on Saturday this weekend instead of Thursday.  

Four plays later he ran around his right end for three years into the end zone.  

STEP TAKEN ON SEWAGE  

The sheriff said there are currently five openings at the county jail.  

Mrs. Downs attended the flower show with her twin daughters, Mary, age 6, and Helen, age 4.  

MAN WHOSE HEART STOPPED BEATING TO TAKE IT EASY  

Mrs. Nelson was presented with a gift from the chapter in appreciation of work well done by Mrs. Ethel Anderson.  

Clark Gable was injured in an automobile accident. The extent of his injuries are not known; however, the area in which Mr. Gable was injured is spectacular and scenic.  

ESCAPED LEOPARD BELIEVED SPOTTED  

CEMETERY GETS PRAISE FROM FORMER RESIDENT  

"The carnage on our highways can be reduced, but only if you give us the fools to perform the job corrects," said Gov. Hatfield.  

NIXON GETS STONED ON TRIP  

About one third of all passengers flying between London and Paris travel by air.  

In Chicago five men were accused on bride-taking.  

Mr. and Mrs. Conway have returned from a week's fighting trip to Wisconsin.  

In the ensuing struggle, the hijacker's pistol discharged, wounding the stewardess in the tail section.  

The new mayor is an insurance agent and broke.       Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.       Great Dames for sale.       Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.       Include your Children when Baking Cookies       Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case       Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?       Iraqi Head Seeks Arms       Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax       Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told       Miners Refuse to Work After Death       Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Driving Exam Answers

The following are real answers submitted in Driving Exams by the California Department of                                                            Transportation's driving school.

Q:

Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A:

What for? He can't see my license plate.    

Q:

Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

A:

The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."    

Q:

When driving through fog, what should you use?

A:

Your car.    

Q:

What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?

A:

I would be forced to drive unlawfully.    

Q:

What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

A:

Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.    

Q:

What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

A:

The color.  

Q:

How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A:

Heavy psychedelics.

 

50 Actual Newspaper Headlines

   

1.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

   

2.

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

   

3.

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

   

4.

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

   

5.

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

   

6.

Farmer Bill Dies in House

   

7.

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

   

8.

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

   

9.

Stud Tires Out

   

10.

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

   

11.

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

   

12.

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

   

13.

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

   

14.

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

   

15.

Eye Drops Off Shelf

   

16.

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

   

17.

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

   

18.

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

   

19.

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

   

20.

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax    

21.

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

   

22.

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

   

23.

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

   

24.

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

   

25.

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

   

26.

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

   

27.

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

   

28.

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

   

29.

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

   

30.

War Dims Hope for Peace

   

31.

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

   

32.

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

   

33.

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

   

34.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

   

35.

Deer Kill 17,000

   

36.

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

   

37.

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

   

38.

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

   

39.

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

   

40.

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

   

41.

Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed Needy

   

42.

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

   

43.

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

   

44.

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

   

45.

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

   

46.

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

   

47.

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

   

48.

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

   

49.

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

   

50.

Air Head Fired