Microsoft Engineer Offers Solution

There were three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly, the car stops running and they pull off to the side if the road, wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

The Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, came up with a suggestion. “Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open all the windows and see if it works?”

Linux Sex

unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; umount; sleep

Connecting to the Internet

Customer: I’m trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn’t work. What am I doing wrong?

Tech sup: OK, you’ve got the CD in the CD drive, right?

Customer: Yeah….

Tech sup: And what sort of computer are you using?

Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven’t got a computer. It’s in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen…..

Tech sup: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

Blonde wants a curtain

A blonde walked into a computer shop one day and asked the shop assistant for a curtain to fit her 15 inch computer monitor.

The assistant said,
“Why do you want a curtain for your computer screen?”

To which the blonde replies,
“I’ve got Windows”.

Windows programmers

How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
472. One to write WinGetLight BulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLighht Bulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle.

My computer

My computer isn`t that nervous…it`s just a bit ANSI.

Terminal glare: A look that kills…

Life would be much easier if I had the source code

Computers are only human.

To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.”

Microsoft tv dinner

1. You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners.

2. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft’s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

3. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter:

4. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted.

5. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn’t work, contact your hardware vendor.

6. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items.

7. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

8. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don’t want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

9. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size.

10. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after ‘98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

11. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Windows

A blonde walks into a store that makes curtains.

She says to the clerk,
“I would like curtains the size of my computer screen.”

The clerk says,
“Why the size of you computer screen?”

The woman replies,
“Because I’ve got windows!”

It says

It says: “Press Any Key”
It means: “Press any key you like but I’m not moving.”

It says: “Press A Key”
(This one’s a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the “A” key.)

It says: “Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error
no. 1A4-2546512430E” It means: “… where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it’s a hardware problem.”

It says: “Installing program to C:\….”
It means: “… And I’ll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you’ll NEVER find them.”

It says: “Please insert disk 11″
It means: “Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks.”

It says: “Not enough memory”
It means: “I don’t CARE if you’ve got 3GB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K.”

It says: “Cannot read from drive D:….”
It means: “… However, if you put the CD in right side up…”

It says: “Please Wait….”
It means: “… Indefinitely.”

It says: “Directory does not exist….”
It means: “…. any more. Whoops.”

It says: “The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close.” It means: “….Makes no difference to me, you’re still not getting your work back.”

Computer Short Questions

Question: Definition of an upgrade?
Answer: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

Question: What do computers eat when they get hungry?
Answer: Chips.

Question: How is the new iMac like a woman?
Answer: Neither one will take a 3 1/2 inch floppy and they both like a big hard drive.

Question: How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Answer: Give him a bottle of shampoo which says “lather, rinse, repeat.”

Question: Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
Answer: Because it is below C level.

Question: What’s the difference between Windows vista and a virus?
Answer: A virus does something.

Question: Why is sex like software?
Answer: For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it for free.

Time on the computer

Spending too much time on the computer?

Here are some common indicators:

1. You accidentally enter your computer password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial “9″ to get an outside line.

8. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o’clock news.

11. Your boss doesn’t have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
”long-service to the company” awards.

AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE…

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your friends.

15. You got this e-mail from a friend who never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a No. 9.

18. AND NOW YOU’RE LAUGHING at yourself.

Finally:
19. You’ve read this before.

Columbians Run Away

Why did a group of Columbians run away from the computer lab?

Because… The computer said, “You have performed an illegal operation and will be shutdown!”

Software Update

Customer: “I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message.”
Tech Support: “Did you install the update?”
Customer: “No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?”

Drug Dealers and Software Engineers - A Comparison

Drug Dealers : “The first one is free”
Software Engineers : “Download a free trial version”

Have important South-Asia connections (to help move the stuff)
Have important South-Asia connections (to help debug the code)

Strange jargon : “Stick”, “Rock”, “Dime bag”, “E”
Strange jargon : “TCP/IP”, “XML”, “Java”, “SQL”

Realize that there’s a ton of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market
Realize that there’s a ton of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market

Job is assisted by industry’s producing newer, more potent mixes
Job is assisted by industry’s producing newer, faster machines

Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers
Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists

Their products cause unhealthy addictions.
Gta IV. Prince of Persia,World of warcraft. Tomb raider.; Enough said.

Do your job well and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you
Damn! Damn! DAMN!

Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It’s so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.

Kiss Me Computer Guy

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

Bad day but still…

Are You Single? Find Love.

Home > Jokes > Computer Jokes > What a Day!

Computer Jokes - What a Day!
Dear God:

Yesterday was an awful day for me…

My husband ran off with his secretary,

My son pierced his eyebrow,

My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,

My dog mated with the neighbors cat,

My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution,

My Mom told me I was adopted,

My Dad told me he’s gay,

My boss told me I was laid off,

My sister was arrested for prostitution,

My house has termites,

My car was stolen,

All that came in the mail was bills,

A plane, crash landed on my garage,

OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner,

And my TV blew.

Lord, please be with me today.

I was able to live through all that misery yesterday.

And I will be able to make it through anything today! But please….

DON’T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!!

Back to windows Help desk

How much do Windows cost, and do you have to buy each one separately?”
Customer: “How much do Windows cost?”
Tech Support: “Windows costs about $100.”
Customer: “Oh, that’s kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?”
Tech Support: “Do you have any windows open right now?”
Customer: “Are you crazy woman, it’s twenty below outside…”
“I try to avoid using Microsoft. That’s why I use MS-DOS.”
Tech Support: “How can I help you?”
Customer: “Well, everything is working fine, but there is one program that is not.”
Tech Support: “What program is it?”
Customer: “It’s called ‘MSDOS Prompt’.”
Tech Support: “What’s wrong with it?”
Customer: “Well, I click on it, a black screen shows up with NOTHING but a sign that reads: ‘C:\WINDOWS>’, and it just sits there and doesn’t do anything. I have to turn off the system to go back to Windows.”
Customer: “File manager? What’s that?”
Tech Support: “How long have you had your computer?”
Customer: “Three years.”
“I have a 386 Pentium.”
“My brother has a 486 with a Pentium chip in it.”
Customer: “The computer told me it had contagious memory. Does it have a virus?”
Tech Support: “No, that is ‘contiguous’ memory, as in ’sequential’.”
Customer: “That is impossible, it said ‘contagious’.”
Tech Support: “Type ‘mem’ and hit the ‘enter’ key.” Customer: “Oh.”
“My computer’s telling me I performed an illegal abortion.”

Hello 95

Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously
helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in
America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ‘95. I’m
going to do something I’ve never done before. I’m going to let
you decide where you want to go.”

Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?”

God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, to
see if it will help your decision.”

“Fine, but where should I go first?” Bill asked.

“I’ll leave that up to you.” God replied.

“Okay then,” said Bill, “let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with
clear waters and lots of long-legged women running around,
playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was
shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

“This is great,” he told God. “If this is hell, I really want to
see Heaven.”

“Fine,” said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, beautiful and sunny, with
angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice,
but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

“Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told God.

“Fine,” replied God, “as you desire.”

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to
see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill,
shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves,
surrounded with heavy thick-legged women and being burned and
tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no
matter how loud he screamed.

“How’s everything going?” He asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented
disappointment.

“This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks
ago. I can’t believe this is happening. What happened to that
other place, with the beaches and the long-legged women playing
in the water????”

Oh,” God said, “that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95.”

Abort, Retry, Ignore

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read “Abort, Retry, Ignore”.

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one -
Choose: “Abort, Retry, Ignore”.

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key –
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: “Abort, Retry, Ignore”.

I tried to catch the chips off guard –
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards,
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation,
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation -
Choose: “Abort, Retry, Ignore”.

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight,
A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died,
“Oh no — my database”, I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
“You’ll see your data– Nevermore!”

To this day I do not know
The place to which our data goes
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity - well,
I fear it has gone straight to Hell.
And that’s the tale I have to tell -
Your choice: “Abort, Retry, Ignore”.

The Life Of A Computer Analyst

Monday
8:05am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let these people vote and drive, too?

8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn’t access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, “Well, it works for me.” Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer…

8:14 am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message “Error accessing Drive 0.” Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.

11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The “Quake3” nationals are this weekend!

11:34 am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.

12:00 pm
Lunch

3:30 pm
Return from lunch.

3:55 pm
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping.

4:23 pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they’re using. Tell them to call back when they find out.

4:55 pm
Decide to run “Create Save/Replication Conflicts” macro so next shift has something to do.

Tuesday
8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.

9:00 am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. “Love to, but kinda busy. Could you put something in the calendar database!” I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.

9:35 pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it’s in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.

10:00 am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week’s “Reengineering for Customer Partnership,” I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.

10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Lotus Notes. Begin now. Make him watch console while I grab a smoke.

1:00 pm
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. This guy’s got potential!

1:05 pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell “Omigod—Fire!”

1:15 pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.

1:20 pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for “Notice Loads” or “NoLoad Goats,” she’s not sure, couldn’t hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably “Lettuce Nodes.” Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.

2:00 pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the air vents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.

2:49 pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.

Wednesday
8:30 am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them of course, they should have been checking “Bitset,” not “chipset.” Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

9:10 am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00 am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life just hands you material…

10:00 am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager’s office. He says he can’t dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he’s aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting adjourned. He reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

10:30 am
Tell Louie he’s doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.

11:00 am
Lunch.

4:55 pm
Return from lunch.

5:00 pm
Shift change. Going home.

Thursday
8:00 am
New guy (“Marvin”) started today. “Nice plaids,” I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Lotus Notes runs the same in monochrome and color.

8:45 am
New guy’s PC finishes booting up. Tell him I’ll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.

9:30 am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. “Nice plaids,” comments Louie. Is this guy great or what?!

11:00 am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves. (“Always have backups.”) User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!

11:55 am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: “Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in ‘Y’ shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift.” Marvin doubts. I point to “Corporate Policy” database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). “Remember, that’s double pepperoni and no peppers!” I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.

1:00 pm
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy…

4:30 pm
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

5:00 pm
Shift change. Flick HR’s server off and on several times to test its On/Off switch. See ya tomorrow.

Friday
8:00 am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.

9:00 am
Marvin still not here. Maybe I should start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.

9:02 am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can’t replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it’s sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.

9:30 am
Good God, another user! They’re like ants. Says he’s in San Diego and can’t replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it’s sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.

10:17 am
Pensacola calls. Says they can’t route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours.

11:00 am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.

11:20 am
Finish “@CoffeeMake” macro. Put phone back on hook.

11:23 am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

11:25 am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. “It’s so hard to find good help,” I offer. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. “No problem!”

11:30 am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he’s invited to a meeting this afternoon. “Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff,” I tell him.

12:00 am
Lunch.

1:00 pm
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them run faster.

1:03 pm
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!

2:30 pm
Look in support manager’s contact management database. Cancel 2:45 pm appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.

2:39 pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.

2:50 pm
Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor’s office means appointment cancelled. Says he’s just going to go on home. Ask him if he’s seen corporate Web page lately.

3:00 pm
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:00 pm
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to “2” in help compact databases.

4:30 pm
User calls to say they can’t see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a “Edit—Select All”, hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:45 pm
Another user calls. Says they can’t read help documents. Tell them I’ll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.

4:58 pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.

5:00 pm
Night shift shows up. Tell them the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend.