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Reduce national debt

Monday, December 7, 1992

In October, an envelope containing $15,000 in cash was left, anonymously, on a chair at the Detroit IRS office with the instruction to apply it "to reduce the national debt."

Sainthood For Marcos

I heard recently that no Filipino saints have ever been selected and feel this is a wrong that must be righted. I know of at least one Filipino who has passed the criteria for sainthood (performing three miracles), Ferdinand Marcos. The miracles he performed are: 

1) He took millions, possibly billions of dollars out of one of the world's poorer nations. 

2) He stayed married to Imelda for over 30 years. 

3) He died of natural causes.

Abbott & Costello Learn Hebrew

You have to keep in mind the meaning in English of just five Hebrew words.  #1) Mee means 'Who' in English  #2) Hu means 'He' in English  #3) Hee means 'She' in English  #4) Ma mean 'What' in English  #5) Dag means 'Fish' in English  ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.  COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.  A: Now, the first thing you must understand is that Hebrew and English have  many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the same thing.  C: Sure, I understand.  A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.  C: How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's simple-some words  in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean the same.  A: Precisely.  C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew?  A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.  C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So make with  the Hebrew.  A: Fine. Let's start with mee.  C: You.  A: No , mee.  C: Fine, we'll start with you.  A: No, we'll start with mee.  C: Okay, have it your way.  A: Now, mee is who.  C: You is Abbott.  A: No, no, no. Mee is who.  C: You is Abbott.  A: You don't understand.  C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?  A: Yes I did. Mee is who.  C: You is Abbott.  A: No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee.  C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.  A: No, no. Tell me about mee!  C: Who?  A: Precisely.  C: Precisely what?  A: Precisely who.  C: It's precisely whom!  A: No, mee is who.  C: Don't start that again-go on to something else.  A: All right. Hu is he.  C: Who is he?  A: Yes.  C: I don't know. Who is he?  A: Sure you do. You just said it.  C: I just said what?  A: Hu is he.  C: Who is he?  A: Precisely.  C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?  A: No, precisely hee.  C: Precisely he? Who is he?  A: Precisely!  C: And what about me?  A: Hu.  C: me, me, me!  A: Hu, hu, hu!  C: What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?  A: No, hu is he!  C: I don't know I maybe he is me!  A: No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)  C: Do his parents know about this?  A: About what?  C: About her!  A: What about her?  C: That she is he!  A: No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!  C: Then who is he?  A: Precisely!  C: Who?  A: He!  C: Me?  A: Hu!  C: He?  A: She!  C: Who is she?  A: No, hu is he.  C: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?  A: No, that's not right.  C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I said it,  and I know me.  A: Hu.  C: Who?  A: Precisely!  C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!  A: No, hee is she!  C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little Hebrew, and  now I can't even speak English. Let me review.  A: Go ahead.  C: Now first You want to know me is who.  A: Correct.  C: And then you say who is he.  A: Absolutely.  C: And then you tell me he is she.  A & C: Precisely!  C: Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he. And he is she.  Don't it stand to reason that me is she?  A: Who?  C: She!  A: That is he!  C: Who is he?  A & C: Precisely!  C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go home. You  know what I want? Ma!  A: What.  C: I said Ma.  A: What.  Q: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!  A: What!  C: Not what, who!  A: He!  C: Not he! Ma is not he!  A: Of course not! Hu is he!  C: I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is he, he is  she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and play with my dog.  A: Fish.  C: Fish?  A: Dag is fish.  C: That's all, I'm outa here

Enron Transcripts

The real reason the administration doesn't want to release the transcripts of the energy council meetings is because at one point you would hear Kenneth Lay barking, "Turn off that pacemaker Cheney. It's interfering with my cell phone." 

Possible IBM acronyms

IBM: It's Being Mended
IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck
IBM: I Believe in Memorex
IBM: It's Better than Macintosh!
IBM: Idiots Built Me
IBM: Intense Bowel Movement
IBM: Inferior But Marketable?
IBM: I've Been Mislead
IBM: It's Better Manually
IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh
IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine
IBM: I Bought a Mac
IBM: I Blame Microsoft.
IBM: I Bought Macintosh
IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh
IBM: I've Been Moved
IBM: I've Been Mugged
IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement
IBM: Identical Blue Men
IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher
IBM: Idiots Become Managers
IBM: Incompatible Business Machines
IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine
IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly
IBM: Institute of Black Magic
IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess
IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians
IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches
IBM: It'll Be Messy
IBM: It's Backwards, Man
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
IBM: Itty Bitty Morons
IBM: It Barely Moves
IBM: I Buy Mainframes
IBM compatible - IBM contemptible

Mu

Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers.

One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.

"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your Purpose in Life, anyway?"

Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)

Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.

Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.

-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"