A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came out, he went into the street and met an old colleague, who asked him where in heaven's name he had been all those years.
"In a closet," he repied. "I wanted to know what life really is."
"And have you found an answer?"
"Yes," he replied. "I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is like a bridge."
"That's all well and good," replied the colleage, "but can you be a little more explicit? Can you tell me how life is like a bridge?"
"Oh," replied the philosopher after some thought, "maybe you're right; perhaps life is not like a bridge."
Sunday, May 10
Too Far In
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"
She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car.
"Go get help.", he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help."
She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car.
"Go get help.", he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help."
She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
Cab Driver
A gorgeous young woman gets into a taxi one day.
On the way, the cabby asks her, "Hey baby, would you screw me for 25 dollars?"
Insulted, the woman asks, "What kind of a girl do you think I am??"
"Well," the cabby says, "If I was a multi-millionaire, and paid you a million dollars, and had the body of a famous movie star, would you do it with me then?"
"I guess I would," the woman says.
"In that case," the cabby says, "Will you screw me for 25 dollars?"
"What kind of a girl to you think I am??" the woman says again.
"We've already established that. Now we're just dickering over price."
On the way, the cabby asks her, "Hey baby, would you screw me for 25 dollars?"
Insulted, the woman asks, "What kind of a girl do you think I am??"
"Well," the cabby says, "If I was a multi-millionaire, and paid you a million dollars, and had the body of a famous movie star, would you do it with me then?"
"I guess I would," the woman says.
"In that case," the cabby says, "Will you screw me for 25 dollars?"
"What kind of a girl to you think I am??" the woman says again.
"We've already established that. Now we're just dickering over price."
What's in a Name?
I was at a friends wedding. Her father asked me to dance with him. He was pretty drunk, but I figured what the hell.
So we're dancing and I asked, "So, are you enjoying yourself Richard?"
He said, "I prefer Dick."
I said, "Well so do I, but what does that have to do with anything?"
So we're dancing and I asked, "So, are you enjoying yourself Richard?"
He said, "I prefer Dick."
I said, "Well so do I, but what does that have to do with anything?"
Avon Calling
An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy.
Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. "Holy cow! What's that smell?"
"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"
"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."
Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. "Holy cow! What's that smell?"
"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"
"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."
Futuristic Motel
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."
"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents," The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis Which now had a button sewed on the tip.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."
"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents," The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis Which now had a button sewed on the tip.
A Hell of a Party
A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."
The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."
Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"
Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."
Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "
"The girls never showed up!"
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."
The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."
Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"
Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."
Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "
"The girls never showed up!"
Ads on a Bus
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming" and I had to smile. "
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin."
"Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself."
"BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident." I couldn't help not laughing out loud."
"Case Dismissed" said the Judge.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming" and I had to smile. "
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin."
"Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself."
"BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident." I couldn't help not laughing out loud."
"Case Dismissed" said the Judge.
Why Worry?
In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are only two things to worry about: either you get well or you die.
If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry.
If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry.
The Rich People's Party
There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes.
Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing."
Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, lo and behold, he made it!
The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the mother-fucker who pushed me in."
Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing."
Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, lo and behold, he made it!
The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the mother-fucker who pushed me in."
Traveler Needs a Room
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed--I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted"
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.
"Never better." John said.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time."
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful' and he sat up all night watching me."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.
"Never better." John said.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time."
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful' and he sat up all night watching me."
Cause and Effect
An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew. After some time, one said to the other , "If you don't mind my saying so, you don't look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck". "Yes," the other one said, "I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become dangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee." His friend agreed that was bad luck. The other one continued.
"You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off."
"My, you really did experience bad luck, the other responded, I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?"
"Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over , unloaded, and got me right in the eye."
"My, My,(not real sailor talk) did that take your eye out? No, that was the first day I had my hook."
"You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off."
"My, you really did experience bad luck, the other responded, I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?"
"Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over , unloaded, and got me right in the eye."
"My, My,(not real sailor talk) did that take your eye out? No, that was the first day I had my hook."
Fish in the Bag
A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?"
The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one."
The man says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."
The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one."
The man says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."
Expectant Father
An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected to the Lord's cricket ground.
"How's it going?" he asked.
"Fine," came the answer, "We've got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."
"How's it going?" he asked.
"Fine," came the answer, "We've got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."
Job Test Cheater
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.
They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.
The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.
The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
Sneezing
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
The Bank Robbers
Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.
The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.
Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."
The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people.....
The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.
Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."
The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people.....
George's Two Assholes
A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.
Joe: "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George."
Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.
Al: "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain't George."
Mortician: "How can you tell?"
Al: "George had two assholes."
Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?"
Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"
Joe: "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George."
Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.
Al: "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain't George."
Mortician: "How can you tell?"
Al: "George had two assholes."
Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?"
Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"
Dr. Laura Takes Out
A guy went to visit a friend at the hospital. His friend was all busted up and in several casts. After he determined that his friend would survive and eventually recover, he wanted to know what happened to his friend. Before he could ask, he heard his friend say "Talk dirty to Dr. Laura and she will take you out!" Wow! he thought, an opportunity to go out with Dr. Laura, my friend can wait, if I rush I can catch her at her book signing at the mall.
He got her latest book "Ten Thousand Stupid Things They Thought No One Could Possibly Do - And They Were Wrong", waited in the signing line and met Dr. Laura. "Let me speak softly in your ear Dr. Laura, I have something private to say to you", he said. Then he spoke so dirty, he even shocked him self. "What did you say" asked Dr. Laura, thinking she could not have heard what she thought she heard. He repeated it for her.
After a while the paramedics wheeled him into the hospital room next to his friend. He yelled to his friend, "Its your fault I'm in here, you said if I talked dirty to Dr. Laura, she would give me a date". "Oh no" said his friend "she has a double super black belt in karate. I was warning you about what happened to me. I tried to talk dirty to her and she used that karate and took me out good fashion."
He got her latest book "Ten Thousand Stupid Things They Thought No One Could Possibly Do - And They Were Wrong", waited in the signing line and met Dr. Laura. "Let me speak softly in your ear Dr. Laura, I have something private to say to you", he said. Then he spoke so dirty, he even shocked him self. "What did you say" asked Dr. Laura, thinking she could not have heard what she thought she heard. He repeated it for her.
After a while the paramedics wheeled him into the hospital room next to his friend. He yelled to his friend, "Its your fault I'm in here, you said if I talked dirty to Dr. Laura, she would give me a date". "Oh no" said his friend "she has a double super black belt in karate. I was warning you about what happened to me. I tried to talk dirty to her and she used that karate and took me out good fashion."
Martian Landing
Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station. They get out of their space ship. The Martians go up to a gas pump. One says to the other ," I think these are Earth people".
"Take me to your leader!" replies the first Martian. No response.
The second Martian whispers to his partner, "I don't think we should screw with this one".
The first Martian says "Take me to your leader or we are going to blow you to kingdom come!"
No response.
With that, the first Martian takes out his laser gun and zaps the gas pump. It blows up and so does the gas station and the Martians are thrown into the air and land in a tree.
The second Martian says to the other, "I TOLD YOU, WE SHOULDN"T FUCK WITH A GUY, WHO COULD WRAP HIS DICK AROUND HIS NECK AND STICK IT IN HIS EAR!"
"Take me to your leader!" replies the first Martian. No response.
The second Martian whispers to his partner, "I don't think we should screw with this one".
The first Martian says "Take me to your leader or we are going to blow you to kingdom come!"
No response.
With that, the first Martian takes out his laser gun and zaps the gas pump. It blows up and so does the gas station and the Martians are thrown into the air and land in a tree.
The second Martian says to the other, "I TOLD YOU, WE SHOULDN"T FUCK WITH A GUY, WHO COULD WRAP HIS DICK AROUND HIS NECK AND STICK IT IN HIS EAR!"
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