Q: What happens to programmers when they die?
A: They get deallocated, their values become undefined, they get re-intialized, their structues break down, they become WORM food, they start dropping bits, they branch to a new address, their social system resources are released, they dump core…
On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she moves to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.” Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.” He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so?”
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”
Indeed it was. Here is one list, from the KDF9 programming manual, p 24:
THE KDF9 WORD HAS 48 BITS …
IT MAY BE USED AS…
Eight 6-Bit Alpha-Numeric Characters
One 48-Bit Fixed-Point Number
Two 24-Bit (Half length) Fixed-Point Numbers
Half of a 96-Bit (Double Length) Fixed-Point Number
One 48-Bit Floating-Point Number
Two 24-Bit (Half length) Floating-Point Numbers
Half of a 96-Bit (Double length) Floating-Point Number
Three 16-Bit (Fixed point) Integers
Six 8-Bit Instruction Syllables
An instruction was 1, 2 or 3 syllables; an address was 15 bits.
O, memory! We shall not see its like again.
*ABSOLUTELY UNCHANGED COMPILER RESPONSES*
(from a make of umoria 5.4 on an Apollo…)
[monsoon:umoria] 19} make
cc -O -c main.c
Compiler Errors
99 divide by 0 error: can’t find source
033 linker attempting to ‘duck tape’ this ‘gerbil’ of a program
cc -O -c misc1.c
Compiler Errors
099 Warning: parser bug confuses : and ; and | at times
088 Warning: pointer passed to pointer; pointer loop
086 sin | more souls >! /dev/hell
cc -O -c misc2.c
Compiler Errors
00 function ‘fuckit’ not defined
666 you’re going to hell for this code style
77 You learned to program in FORTRAN didn’t you?
088 Warning: pointer passed to pointer; pointer loop
088 Warning: i before e, except after ;
cc -O -c misc3.c
Compiler Errors
101 can’t find library ’stdlib.h’
******** Line 1725 of “misc3.c”: [Warning #202] Value assigned to mask is never used;
assignment eliminated by optimizer.
******** Line 1858 of “misc3.c”: [Warning #202] Value assigned to mask is never used;
assignment eliminated by optimizer.
******** Line 2203 of “misc3.c”: [Warning #202] Value assigned to flag is never used;
assignment eliminated by optimizer.
cc -O -c misc4.c
Compiler Errors
14 parse error: I just don’t get it
77 You learned to program in FORTRAN didn’t you?
088 Warning: pointer passed to pointer; pointer loop
54 echo > /dev/console /dev/console /dev/console 0xfffff !! > ?
11th-hour tweaks for Windows ‘98 by Microsoft
10. Included subliminal “Impeach Janet Reno” messages in start-up screen.
9. New Internet Explorer feature: whenever you visit a Web site ending in “.gov,” a message first appears reminding you that Microsoft is not a monopoly.
8. Source code no longer ones and zeros–try 666s and zeros. Windows start-up theme, played backward, says, Here’s to my sweet Satan.”
7. Comes with check for $50 that, if cashed, puts your name on an Internet petition telling the DOJ to buzz off *and* changes your long distance carrier to AT&T.
6. New desktop icon–click once, and $1 will go directly from your checking account into the Microsoft Legal Defense Fund.
5. Added new template to preinstalled version of Word: “Letter to the editor expressing delight with Microsoft products.”
4. Freebie computer-controlled Barney doll has been reprogrammed to say, “Big government is sca-a-ary. Janet tried to hurt me.”
3. TV function scrambles C-Span during antitrust hearings.
2. Desktop display with countdown tracking number of copies of Windows 98 that must yet be bought to prevent worldwide economic collapse!
1. Last-minute name change: was “Windows 98,” now “Windows: Assimilate.”
My computer broke down.
It crashed and burned!
And for my AOL, I really yearned! I tried to stay busy…
And keep it off my mind.
It was worse than cigarettes, at least butts I can find!! So I went to Wal-Mart, and got on their pc.
The cashier in electronics was staring at me.
But I didn’t care. I had to get on line! Check my mail, and see what buddies I can find.
I drew a crowd as I began to cry.
I couldn’t find the password no matter how hard I tried! I need my AOL!! I got to have my fix!!
Go to my favorite places, check out some cool pics.
The cashier called Security! I heard her whisper low, “We have ourselves a Psycho here and she has got to go!”
Security rushed over. Not long did he stall.
Obviously he has never suffered from AOL withdrawal. He slapped cuffs on my wrists and threw me out the door!
Then he looked at me and said, “Don’t come round here no more!”
I feel so embarrassed!! I have sunk so low! To be kicked out of Wal-Mart…. How low can I go?
So I’ll try really hard now to rid myself of this affliction.
Get rid of these bad habits and my AOL addiction!
The Life Cycle of Software
Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.
Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.
See 3.
See 4.
See 5.
See 6.
See 7.
See 8.
Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
Users find 137 new bugs.
Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
See step 2
This article is from the Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994: Befuddled PC Users Flood Help Llines, and No Qquestion Seems To Be Too Basic
AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn’t get her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button.
“I’ve pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens,” the woman replied. “Foot pedal?” the technician asked. “Yes,” the woman said, “this little white foot pedal with the on switch.” The “foot pedal,” it turned out, was the computer’s mouse, a hand-operated device that helps to control the computer’s operation.
Personal-computer makers are discovering that it’s still a low-tech world out there. While they are finally having great success selling PCs to households, they now have to deal with people to whom monitors and disk drives are as foreign as another language.
“It is rather mystifying to get this nice, beautiful machine and not know anything about it,” says Ed Shuler, a technician who helps field consumer calls at Dell’s headquarters here. “It’s going into unfamiliar territory,” adds Gus Kolias, vice president of customer service and training for Compaq Computer Corp. “People are looking for a comfort level.”
Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techies needing help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homes exploding as new “multimedia” functions gain mass appeal, PC makers say that as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices. Partly because of the volume of calls, some computer companies have started charging help-line users.
The questions are often so basic that they could have been answered by opening the manual that comes with every machine. One woman called Dell’s toll-free line to ask how to install batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual, says Steve Smith, Dell director of technical support, the woman replied angrily, “I just paid $2,000 for this stupid thing, and I’m not going to read a book.”
Indeed, it seems that these buyers rarely refer to a manual when a phone is at hand. “If there is a book and a phone and they’re side-by-side, the phone wins time after time,” says Craig McQuilkin manager of service marketing for AST Research, Inc. in Irvine, Calif. “It’s a phenomenon of people wanting to talk to people.
And do they ever. Compaq’s help center in Houston, Texas, is inundated by some 8,000 consumer calls a day, with inquiries like this one related by technician John Wolf: “A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Contura would not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in, opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, “What power switch?
Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people have called to ask where the “any” key is when “Press Any Key” flashes on the screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to “Press Return Key.
Some people can’t figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, and AST technical support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard to control with the “dust cover” on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschan says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen, all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because the mouse works only if it’s moved over a flat surface.
Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with the diskette. The customer’s response: “I put a label on the diskette and rolled it into the typewriter.”
At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician’s request that she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customer arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And at Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and “close the door.” Asking the technician to “hold on,” the customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the door to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.
The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell technician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. “Yeah, I got me a couple friends,” the customer replied. When told Egghead was software store, the man said, “Oh! I thought you meant for me to find couple of geeks.
Not realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging parts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and the removing all the keys and washing them individually.
Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergaran says he once calmed a man who became enraged because, “his computer has told him he was bad and an invalid.” Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.
These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on the role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the dell technician who once worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic fight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the man had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background
There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if it happens to be a computer techie. One man from New Hampshire calls Dell every time he experiences a life crisis. He gets a technician to walk him through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feeling uplifted by the process.
“A lot of people want reassurance,” says Mr. Shuler.
Webster’s Dictionary definition of Windows 95
Windows95: n.
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can’t stand 1 bit of competition.
Satan greets him: “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says “I’ll take this option.”
“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. “That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the best place of all!”
“That’s what everyone thinks” snickered Satan.
“The bottle has a hole in it!”
“What about the PC?”
“It’s got Windows 95!” laughed Satan.
“And it’s missing three keys,”
“Which three?”
“Control, Alt and Delete.”
The government’s system administration team, working with computer manufacturers and experts in the computer industry, has found a lower cost alternative to address the Y2K (Year 2000) issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999. In exchange for taking every computer, an Etch-A-Sketch will be issued to all Americans. There are many reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems.
2. No technical glitches keeping working from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing E-Mails.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a new document?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document ?
A: Don’t shake it.
You know you have been on the computer too long when…
When you are counting objects, you go “0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D…”.
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says “If you don’t turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!”, and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: “grep keys /dev/pockets”
When you look for your homework using: “grep homework /dev/backpack”
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you’re doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
…You’re writing a homework assignment, and get the end of the line in the middle of a sentence, tack on a ”, and continue writing on the next line.
Humorous Computer-Related Acronyms
IBM
I Blame Microsoft
Idiots Buy Me
Idiots Building Machines
I’ll Buy Macintoshes
It Bit Me
It Built Microsoft
It’s Better Manually
I’ve Been Mislead
I’ve Been Mugged
WINDOWS
Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed
When I Need Data Output Without Speed
While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
WIN
Whoppingly Immense NOP
Worm Infestation Netware
MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT
My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology
Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally
WINDOWS (as a) Network Trojan
Different Operating Systems Expectations
Macintosh: What You See Is What You Get
MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It
UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno
VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or Not
Random Abbreviations for Many Computer Companies
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
DEC: Dump Everything and Close
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
HCL: Hilarious Computer Logic
HP: Hot Pursuit
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
MAC: Most Absurd Computer
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
NEXT: Now EXchange for Trash
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
WARP: What A Rot Program
Acronymns for Other Computer Terms:
AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
BASIC: Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
DOS: Defective Operating System
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
PCMCIA: People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
SCSI: System Can’t See It
WWW: World Wide Wait
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single
click.
4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C: is the root of all directories.
8. Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise-pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don’t byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There’s no place like http://www.home.com.
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we
practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him
to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.
