Here Moosey Moosey

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “OK, lets get out and get him.”

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”

The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but if I were you, I’d brace myself!”

Sid and Barney play golf

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, “let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.” Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

“Help me find my ball, you look over there,” he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my ball!” he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?”

“What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!”

“And a liar, too!!!” Sid says with amazement.
“I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!”

Hip Hop

Q:Why couldn't G-Unit get on the bus?
A:Because they didn't have 50 Cent.

Q:Why couldn't G-Unit play monopoly?
A:Because they didn't have The Game.

Q:Why couldn't 50-cent get on the bus?
A:... Because it costs $1 !

Q:Why couldn't 50-cent get on the airplane?
A:… Because he could not get passed the metal detector !

Q:What is the name of 50-cent’s daughter?
A:… Penny !

Why Cats Are Better Than Men

A CAT always hits the litterbox.
Better chance of training a CAT.

No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don’t have to pretend you like it.

You never have to spend time with your CAT’s mother.

If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.

A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.

You can de-claw a CAT… try to get a guy to clip his toenails.

It’s okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.

You don’t have to worry about your CAT turn into a pig when you host a party.

A CAT knows you’re the key to his happiness… A man thinks he is.

If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.

Signs You Had Too Much of the 90’s

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
   
2. You now think of three espresso’s as “getting wasted.”
   
3. You no longer own a real deck of cards because all your favorite card games [solitaire, spades, and hearts] are all played on your computer.
   
4. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
   
5. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
   
6. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
   
7. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back “What’s for dinner?”
   
8. Your friend’s daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
   

Media and the End of the World

USA Today: WE’RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria’s Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: ‘BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady’s Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “ARMAGEDDON” DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

If Men Ruled the World

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day too.

5. St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

9. Instead of “beer-belly,” you’d get “beer-biceps.”

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words “Ally McNaked.”

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
As in: Cop:”You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one, That’s $10.00 off”.

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sport car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re#1!”.

20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out

21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to “I love you.”

22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

23. “Sorry I’m late, but I got wasted last night,” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

25. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.

26. Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

Ultra dumb people

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. “There are too many business grads out there,” he said. “If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened.”

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-theLooms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. “He was seen hopping and jumping around,” said police spokesman Mike Carey, “with an explosion taking place inside his pants.” Police have the man’s charred trousers in custody.

A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No, you idiot!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!”

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

The incredibly dumb

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership”. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school’s drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him “jump higher.”

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school’s “zero-tolerance” policy…not to be confused with the “zero-intelligence” policy.

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system. “This is even worse than last year,” said the distraught homeowner, “when someone broke in and stole my new security system…”

Sid and Barney play golf

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, “let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.” Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

“Help me find my ball, you look over there,” he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my ball!” he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?”

“What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!”

“And a liar, too!!!” Sid says with amazement.
“I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!”

The New Hunter

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asked her, “What are you up to?”

Alice smiled. “I’m going hunting with you!”

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, “If you see a deer, take careful aim and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.”

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: “Get away from my deer!”

Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, “Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

The New Hunter

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asked her, “What are you up to?”

Alice smiled. “I’m going hunting with you!”

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, “If you see a deer, take careful aim and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.”

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: “Get away from my deer!”

Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, “Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

Top Ten Tyson Jokes

NO. 10
Tyson already has his next fight lined up, with Lorena Bobbitt. Winner eats all.
NO. 9
This gives new meaning to “box lunch.”

NO. 8
Reporter: “Evander, what did you think when Tyson bit off your ear?” Holyfield: “What?”

NO. 7
Spock-vs.-Tyson bout hastily canceled - John Corl, Rochester, N.Y.

NO. 6
What did Mike Tyson say to Van Gogh? “You gonna eat that?”

NO. 5
Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer? It has two bytes and no memory

NO. 4
Next bout: Tyson vs. Hannibal Lecter, with Julia Child to referee. To be held in Hungary. Billed as, “The snackfest in Budapest.”

NO. 3
How does Mike Tyson differ from Metallica? Metallica leaves a ringing in your ears. Tyson leaves your ear in a ring.

NO. 2
Slogans for Tys * The T * Da * * Ear-Reconcilable Differences

NO. 1
When interviewed after the fight, Tyson’s first remarks were that “it tasted like chicken.”

Tee Shot

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man,” said his partner, “you don’t stand a snowball’schance in hell of hitting her from here!”

Bobby Knight in Heaven

Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded IU flag in the window. “This house is yours for eternity, Bobby,” said God. “This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here.”

Bobby felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a three-story mansion with a black and gold sidewalk, 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Purdue flag and, in every window, a Boilermaker logo.

Bobby looked at God and said “God, I’m not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good coach, I won 3 NCAA titles, 600+ games and I even went to the hall of fame. Sowhy does Gene Keady get a better house than me?”

God chuckled, and said “Bobby, that’s not Gene Keady’s house, it’s mine!”

Ice hole

There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win — they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back.

“A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!”

Jets Fan Dog

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, ‘No pets allowed.’ The man replied, ‘This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you’ll see.’ The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turns on the game. The guy says, ‘Watch. Whenever the Jets score a field goal, my dog does flips.’ The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. ‘Wow! That’s one helluva dog you got there! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?’ The man replied, ‘I don’t know. I’ve only had him for 7 years!’

Tennis Balls

One day while jogging, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the road. He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him and smiling.

“What are those big bulges in your running shorts?” she asked.

“Tennis balls,” answered the man, smiling back.

“Wow,” said the blonde, looking upset. “That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable.”

Bring riches with you

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.” The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!!!”

Fulfilling their requests

There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.

The first guy said ” I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter. So God made him 100 times smarter.

The second guy said “I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. So God made him 1000 times smarter.

The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said “God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter.

So God made him a woman !!

Filling in for St. Peter

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: ‘Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?’

‘Yes,’ the professor ansvered. ‘When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.’

‘Well,’ said the gatekeeper. ‘That is a very minor sin. You may enter.’

‘Thank you very much, Saint Peter,’ the professor ansvered.

‘Im am not Saint Peter,’ said the gatekeeper. ‘He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.’