Wrong number

A Husband makes a call to the Hospital to know about his pregnant Wife.

But accidentally the call went to a cricket stadium.

He asked ” What is the condition?”

He fainted after What he heard….

Guess What the reply was??

It is…
7 are already out…
3 more will be out by Lunch…
and…
The First one was a DUCK…

She was my wife

Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course.

One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.

“Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that,” his friend says.

“Well,” Harry replies, “I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least I could do.”

Most Famous Man

One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived." An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either. Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I'll give you the $20." As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Jayant replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"

Weight Lifting

Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.

"Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day."

"I don't know, Michael. It's really a big commitment on your part," the father pointed out.

"Please, Dad?"

"They're not cheap either."

"I'll use them Dad, I promise. You'll see."

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!"

Honest Lawyer!

Having just moved to a new home, a young boy meets the boy next door.

"Hi, my name is Billy," he says, "what's yours?"

"Tommy," replied the other.

"My daddy's an accountant," says Billy. "What does your daddy do?"

"He's a lawyer," Tommy answers.

"Honest?" says Billy.

"No, just the regular kind."

Itemized billing!

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is!".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly, again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. 
The engineer responded briefly: 
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999. 
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Copy Cats?

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department Manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.
The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we`ve decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that ? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple, "said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question No. 5, `I don`t know` and You put down, `Neither do I.` "

Five reasons computers must be female

5.No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4.Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3.The native language used to communicate with the other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2.The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative as "if you don t know why I m mad at you, then I m certainly not going to tell you".
1.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Hell for Gates!

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God.... 
"Well, Bill, I`m really confused on this call. I m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows 95. I`m going to do something I ve never done before. In your case, I m going to let you decide where you want to go." 
"Well, what s the difference between the two?" Bill asks. 
God says, "I m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." 
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I ll leave that up to you."
"Okay, then," says Bill. "Let me try Hell first."
So Bill goes to Hell. It s a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect. He is very pleased.
"This is great!" he tells God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," says God, and off they go.
Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It s nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides.
"Hmm. I think I d prefer Hell," he tells God.
"Fine," replies God. "As you desire."
So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How s everything going?" he asks Bill.
Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" 
"Oh ... that was the SCREENSAVER."

Computer engineer!

A mechanical, electrical and computer engineer were riding together to an engineering seminar when the car suddenly began jerking and shuttering.
The mechanical engineer, said, "I think the car has a faulty carburetor."
The electrical engineer said, "No, I think the problem lies with the alternator."
The computer engineer brightened up and said, "I know, let`s stop the car, all get out of the car and get back in again!"

Project Manager!

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I`ll have a C monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That`ll be $5000."
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. The cost of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C; very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.
"That one`s even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven`t actually seen it do anything, but it says it`s a Project Manager."

Real Life & Commands

5 minutes ago you were travelling to office at 80 mph. in your brand new car. Now you are travelling to hospital at double the speed in an ambulance. You wish there was UNDO in life! 
You are already late, and your key is missing. You wish there was FIND TOOL in life! 
You are a bankrupt, after investing in some weird business. You wish there was REBUILD ALL in life! 
The train is so crowded that you cannot get anywhere near that nice girl at the other end. You wish there was ZOOM & VIEW FULL SCREEN in life! IF NOT FOR "Replace"! 
One day you realize that you are turning bald. You wish there was CUT & PASTE in life! 
After marriage you realize that there is bound to be a mismatch. You wish there was an EVALUATION PERIOD or at least a sample down load or a DEMO version !

You know you are an Internet Junkie when..

When asked to your address, your answer begins with http:// 
Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail. 
You chat with your fingers, not your mouth. 
You use Netscape 4.72, and you check every week whether version 4.73 was released. 
You know the difference between Java and Javascript. 
Most of your friends have an @ in their names. 
In order to watch CNN you move to www.cnn.com 
On your business card the e-mail appears before the phone number. 
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com 
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. 
You can perfectly imitate the sound pattern of your modem connecting to your ISP. 
You are told about a new program, and you are disappointed to find that it is a TV program.
You can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-). 
Not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one. 
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

Top 10 Signs that You`ve Overdosed on The World Wide Web

Your opening line is: "So, what`s your homepage address?" 
You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 4.0" on one of the clouds. 
You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links. 
You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day. 
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. 
You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the "Back" button. 
You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn`t Do Anything" again and again and again. 
Your dog has his own webpage. 
So does your hamster. 
When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

Kindly propose !

Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.
Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead. During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.
Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don`t you have something to ask me?"
Dave then got down on bended knee. "Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new computer?"

General Motors vs. Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Mr. Gates` comments, General Motors issued the following press release (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice daily.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
4. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats. 
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.
6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by one "general car default" warning light.
7. New seats would force everyone to have the samesize bottom.
8. The airbag system would ask ("Are you sure?" before going off).
9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary),even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car`s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice department.
11. Every time GM introduced a new model car,buyers would have to learn driving all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
12. You`d press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

General Motors vs. Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Mr. Gates` comments, General Motors issued the following press release (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice daily.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
4. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.
6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by one "general car default" warning light.
7. New seats would force everyone to have the samesize bottom.
8. The airbag system would ask ("Are you sure?" before going off).
9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary),even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car`s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice department.
11. Every time GM introduced a new model car,buyers would have to learn driving all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
12. You`d press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

NASA`a Chickens:

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer`s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo:
"Thaw the chickens".

What computer acronyms really stand for:

ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
WWW - World Wide Wait
DOS - Defunct Operating System
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

Computer lingo meaning for a farmer!

LOG ON: Making the wood stove hotter
LOG OFF: Don`t add wood
MONITOR : Keep an eye on the wood stove
MEGAHERTZ: When a big log drops on your barefoot in the morning
FLOPPY DISK : What you get from piling too much wood
RAM: The hydraulic thing that makes the woodsplitter work
DRIVE: Getting home during most of the winter
PROMPT: What you wish the mail was during the snow season
ENTER: Come on in
WINDOWS: What you shut when it gets 10 below normal
SCREEN: What is a must during black fly season
CHIP: What you munch during Vikings games
MICROCHIP: What`s left in the bag when the chips are gone
MODEM: What you did to the hay fields last July
DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix`s wife
LAPTOP: Where the grandkids sit
KEYBOARD: Where you suppose to put the keys so that Misses can find them
SOFTWARE: The plastic picnic utensils, ya?
MOUSE: What leaves them little turds in the cupboard
MAINFRAME: The part of the sauna that holds up the roof
PORT: Where do commericial fishing boats dock
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When you can`t remember how much you spent on the new deer rifle when the wife asks about it.