Thursday, May 21
Blonde sees YMCA
Blonde Revenge Jokes
Here's their revenge:
What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation.
What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage.
Who makes bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price.
Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache.
What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.
What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.
Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners ?
So brunettes can remember them.
What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.
What's a brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet?"
Blonde premonition
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street, all of a sudden the blond sees banana peels a few feet from her,
She says, "Oh, darn, I'm gonna fall again!"
Blonde phones home
To that the man asks, ''Anything?''
She says ''Anything''
With that, the man says, ''Follow me.''
He walks into the next room and tells the blonde, ''Come in and close the door.''
She does!
He then says, ''Get on your knees.''
She does!
He then says, ''Take down my zipper.''
She does!
She then says, ''Go ahead! Take it out!''
With that, she takes it out and holds it in both of her hands.
The blond brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, ''HELLO, MOM???''
Blonde Overboard
She replies saying sure take me anywhere so she hops in the back of truck.
Well the guys are going down the road and a truck is heading straight for them trying to crash them.
They then run off the bridge they were on and fall into the water.
The two boys get out but when they looked back there was only bubbles. Oh no! they cried. The blonde had not gotten out of the back yet.
All of sudden the blonde shoots out of the water.
The boys start saying thank goodness and all. Then one asks, not to be rude but what took you so long?
The Blonde grinned and said I couldn't get the Tail gate open!!!
Blonde Orange Juice
Upon being asked why she was doing so, she replied "The carton says concentrate."
Blonde on the Stand
"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.
"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued.
"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Mazdas."
Blonde on the freeway
She says, "There's not one, there's hundreds of them!!"
Blonde on a Diet
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
Blonde on a 747
"BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,
"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
Blonde Mountaineers
For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
The blondes applauded.
A journey of drinks
"Aye, so I have. It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and of course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." Then, the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"
A grasshopper walks into a bar
The grasshopper responds "why in the heck do you have a drink named Bob?"
A good smoke
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said, "Now listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me that I'll kick your head in!"
A Giraffe in a bar
Barman says "you can't leave that lying there."
Man says "it's not a lion it's a giraffe."
A friendly beer
The guy drank half the beer and poured the other half on his left hand. The bartender saw this and just shook his head. The guy asked for another beer. The bartender handed him another and resisted the temptation to ask the guy what he was doing. Once again, the guy drank half the beer and poured the other half on his left hand.
The bartender has seen a lot of strange behavior from drunk people, but this guy was sober! The guy asked for another beer. The bartender handed him another and found that he couldn't resist asking, 'Buddy, I can't help noticing what you're doing. What's going on?' The guy looked at him and said, 'What does look like? My date and I are having a drink!'
A bad egg
5 spot in a bar
"Hey, what's your problem?" the five says.
"Get out of here!" says the guard.
"But why?"
"This is a singles bar!"
10 pints of Guinness in one sitting
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
9-1-1 calls
Caller: "These bee-droppings are ruining my roof!"
A woman dialed 9-1-1 in the middle of a rainstorm to ask if police could give her a ride to avoid getting her new hairdo wet.
Caller: "Please connect me to Switzerland."
Paramedics, responding to an "abdominal evisceration," arrived at the caller's residence to find a 13-year-old boy lying on a bed. They quickly examined the boy but could find nothing wrong with him. When they asked why he had called 9-1-1, the boy told them he had "stuff" coming out of his navel. Further investigation revealed the "stuff" to be belly-button lint.
9-1-1 Dispatcher: "Fire or emergency?"
Caller: "Neither. My son was bothering me. I just wanted to let you know."
Caller: "Can you tell me when the next earthquake is?"
Velma Ann Wantlin of Houma, La., called 9-1-1 to report that her husband was preventing her from watching "Knots Landing."
9-1-1 Dispatcher: "9-1-1. Please state your emergency." Caller: "Yeah, am I talking to a real operator or is this a recording?" Dispatcher: "This is a real operator. Please state your emergency." Caller: "Are you sure you're a real person? You sort of sound like a recording."
Dispatcher (irritated): "I'm a real person, sir!"
Caller: "OK. Now you sound like a real operator."
9-1-1 Dispatcher: "Are you conscious?"
Caller: "No."
A man in La Vergne, Tenn., called 9-1-1 to report that his wife was pouring all his beer down the drain.
Caller: "My phone doesn't work."
9-1-1 Dispatcher: "Fire and ambulance."
Caller: "Yes sir, I need an ambulance for my son. He has his finger stuck in a Hot Wheels car."
Dispatcher: "I'm sorry, sir. Is this an emergency?"
Caller: "Well, it's his favorite one!"
"What sign should we put up?"
This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go, so they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic- depressives and Anal-retentive." Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls and Assholes." Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either.
They finally settled on...
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones Odds and Ends."
Blonde locked out
The Blonde says, "I want my $20 million." The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Blonde said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explain that she would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Blonde, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back right now!"
Blonde legs
A: Nothing, they've never met.
--------------
Q: What did the blondes lleft leg say to the other
A: "We could make alot of movey between you and me!"
Blonde Kidnapping
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Also inside the bag was the following note: "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
Blonde Keys in the Car
"Why, sure," said the manager, "we have something that works especially for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice.
"No, no, a little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.
Blonde injury riddle
A. She was raking leaves when she fell out of the tree!
Blonde in Vegas
A blonde was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She was standing in front of the candy machine and put two coins in, turned the knob and a candy bar fell out. She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she proceded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the knob, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in her pocket. She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the knob producing yet another candy bar. A man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to her, he said 'Excuse me Miss? What are you doing?'
She said, 'Duh! I'm winning here!'
Blonde in London
A: She found out that Big Ben was only a clock.
Blonde in a pawn shop
The clerk says ''I am sorry lady we don't serve blondes here.''
The blonde leaves in a huff. The next day she returns wearing a brunette wig. ''I would like to purchase that TV over there.''
Again the clerk says ''Lady I told you yesterday we do not serve blondes here.''
Now the blonde is furious. The next day she dresses like a man (a suit, tie, mustache, etc.).
She approaches the clerk and says in a deep voice, ''I would like to purchase the TV over there!''
The clerk says ''Lady I told you twice already we do not sell to blondes here!''
She says to the clerk ''How can you tell? Yesterday I wore a wig, today I am dressed like a man, how can you tell it is me??''
He laughs and says, ''Because that's a microwave!!!!''
Blonde in a Double Decker Bus
They decided to take turns riding in the top and flipped a coin to see who got the first turn. The blonde won the toss.
A couple of hours later it's the red head's turn so she walks up the stairs, and sees the blonde sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white.
"What's wrong?" the red head asks. "We're havin' a grand old time down below."
The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."
Blonde golfing
They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, 'OK, so who was playing the yellow ball ?'
Blonde Flight School
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
Blonde Dandruff Cure
Blonde counting
The redhead said, "Yeah, for them 69 is a mouthful."
Wednesday, May 20
Best wishes cake
This is how it went down:
Employee: “Hello ‘dis Bakery, how can I help you?”
Customer: “Yes, I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.”
Employee: “Whatchu want on the cake?”
Customer: “Best Wishes Suzanne.” And underneath that “We will miss you”.
Sad but true. This actually happened.
Sporting Bumper Stickers
Backstrokers do it without getting their face wet,
Baseball players do it at home
Divers do it deeper than anyone else
Fencers always do it with protection
Gliders do it and can keep it up all day
Goat-keepers never do it near the other Naff
Golfers do it best when they are below par
Hang-gfiders do it on their own
Shot putters do it on one teg
Skiers do it with their legs together
Skiers do it on the piste
Skiers go down faster
Snooker players do it bending over a table
Squash players do it against the wall
Swimmers do it with the breaststroke
Tennis players start with love
Ten-pin bowlers do it with something to spare
Torvill and Dean do it on thin ice
Water-skiers do it in rubber suits
Windsurfers do it standing up
Sportsmen Never Die...
Old archers never die, they simply bow out, Old bowls players never die, they simply jack it in. Old card-players never die, they simply shuffle off. Old chess players never die, they simply go to pieces. Old croquet players never die, they simply peg out. Old fishermen never die, they simply smell that way. Old golfers don't die, they just lose their drive. Old golfers don't die, we just lose our distance. Old golfers never die, they simply putter away. Old mountaineers never die. they simply lose their grip. Old on-course bookmakers never die, they simply go off the rails. Old rugby players never die, they simply have their balls taken away. Old rugby players never die, they just pass away. Old shot-putters never die, they just get weak. Old skaters never die, they just lose their ice sight. Old ski-jumpers never die, they simply tose their inclination. Old snooker players never die, they simply go to pot Old tennis players never die, they are simply put out to grass. Old tobogannists never die, they are simply deluged. Old yachtsmen never die, they sirnply keel over. |
Sports laws
Nothing is ever so bad that it can't be made worse by firing the coach.
The wrong pitcher is the one who's in there now.
A free agent is a contradiction in terms.
Whoever thought up "It's only a game" probably just lost one.
It is always unlucky to be behind at the end of a game.
The trouble with being a good sport is that you have to lose to prove it.
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose until you lose.
In sports teamwork is essential. It enables you to blame someone else.
Exercise jokes 4
I met a friend jogging in the park. Well, he was jogging and I was sitting on a bench.
I gave up exercising when I broke my nose doing push-ups.
Don't forget, your brain needs exercise, too. Therefore, spend lots of time thinking up excuses for not working out.
Fitness nuts are going to feel really stupid lying in a hospital bed some day dying of nothing.
It's back to school time when all those kids who spent the summer at exclusive camps learning to be rugged, fit and independent, are standing on a corner waiting for the school bus to carry them three blocks to school.
You know that you're out of shape when you can't pull supermarket shopping carts apart.
These days many people get their exercise jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, dodging responsibilities, bending the rules, running down everything, circulating rumors, passing the buck, stirring up trouble, shooting the bull, digging up dirt, slinging mud, throwing their weight around, beating the system, and pushing their luck.
My figure used to be my fame, And helped me get ahead, But that was fifteen years ago, And now my fame has spread.
When I was younger, I looked forward to getting up early in the morning to exercise. Now, getting out of bed in the morning is my exercise.
Books on exercise are selling by the thousands. And there's a reason for this. It's a lot easier to read than it is to exercise.
His idea of vigorous exercise is to lift his feet while his wife is vacuuming.
This is a big day for me. Today I am taking the training wheels off my Exercycle.
I get enough exercise by stumbling about a mile each day looking for my glasses.
Exercise jokes 4
The doctor said, "Walking is healthier than driving." I said, "When was the last time you saw a mailman who looked healthier than a truck driver?"
I gave up exercising. I can't stand the noise.
I bought a rowing machine, but I haven't used it yet. I haven't been able to tear the carton open.
My approach to exercise is casual. I enrolled in a correspondence course at the health spa.
I get all the exercise I need these days just by bending down to pick up those blank subscription cards that fall out of magazines.
I did forty laps this afternoon. I ate in a revolving restaurant.
A woman was hit by a truck. In her dying breath, she was heard to say, "Thank goodness. No more aerobics."
How can one believe in survival of the fittest when you look at some of the people running around in jogging shorts?
I asked the instructor at the health club what I could do for my body, and he said, "Schedule it for demolition."
I owe my athletic physique to my wife and clean living. "Clean the car...clean the attic...clean the garage. "
I prefer sit-ups to jumping jacks. At least I get to lie down after each one.
I exercise religiously. I do one sit-up and then I say, "Amen!"
Exercise jokes 2
The only exercise he gets is running after the Good Humor truck.
The doctor is really subtle. He suggested that I lend my body to someone who will exercise it.
There's nothing like getting up at 5 a.m, jogging six miles, and then taking an ice-cold shower. There's nothing like it, so I don't do it.
He's developing a more active lifestyle. Now he sits and watches aerobics shows on television.
My exercise club has a relaxed approach. If all the exercise machines are in use, I can wait in the snack bar and have a chocolate sundae until it's my turn.
I really need exercise. I get winded just winding my watch. I'm not in great shape. I blacked out putting my socks on.
Exercise wouldn't be a problem with me if I had a different body to do it with.
If it weren't for parking lots, some of us wouldn't do any walking at all.
Every time I get an urge to exercise, I sit down with a bag of chips and wait until the urge goes away.
After we do our aerobics, we always check the scales the Richter Scale, that is.
Exercise jokes 1
His idea of exercise is to sit in the tub, pull the plug, and fight the current.
I've been working out every day this week. My TV remote is broken, and getting up out of the chair 50 times a night is really tough.
The first machine the health club put me on was the respirator.
I enjoy long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
Exercise must be good for you. My wife's tongue has never been sick a day in her life.
My wife was forced to quit her aerobics class because she broke a toe. Unfortunately, it wasn't hers.
My idea of exercise is ripping the wrapper off a Tastykake.
I joined an aerobics class for overweight men. We meet in the church basement. Well, actually we were on the first floor when we started last week.
I have a new incentive to do sit-ups. I put M&M's between my toes.
He's into heavy lifting. He carries his lunch to work.
Tennis jokes
Anyone who can leap a three-foot net after a match should take up track and field.
We have 750 players in our tennis club. Well, actually there are 50. The other 700 are waiting for a court.
The Bible records the first tennis match in history when Moses served in Pharaoh's court.
Today's tennis pros are so young they give autographs on Etcho-Sketches.
He purposely hits his first serve into the net. He doesn't want to be cheated out of his second shot.
To err is human. To put the blame on someone else is doubles.
A tennis player went to the doctor because he heard music whenever he played. The physician cured him by removing his headband.
Age has no bearing on your tennis game. It just keeps you from winning.
Swimming jokes
What race is never run?
A swimming race.
How do elephants dive into swimming-pools?
Head first.
What barks and kills swimmers?
Jaws.
What kind of fish can't swim?
A dead one.
Where do ghosts go swimming?
In the Dead Sea.
Skiing jokes
A guy learning to ski remarked, "By the time I learned to stand up, I couldn't sit down."
Then there was the dumb skier who got nasty frostbite on his legs because he couldn't figure out how to get his ski pants over his skis.
Skiing can be a time-consuming sport. I spent one day skiing and seven in the hospital.
Skiing: A winter sport that people learn in several sittings.
All things are possible with the exception of skiing through a revolving door.
I got a useful pamphlet with my new skis. It tells how to convert them into a pair of splints.
I read about a businessman charged with operating a monopoly three ski lodges and a hospital.
A small girl watching a water-skier said to her father, "That man is so silly. He'll never catch that boat!"
Sign at the foot of a ski slope: Laws of Gravity Strictly Enforced.
Old skiers never die...they just go over the hill.
Ski jumping is where you race down a steep hill and fly 300 feet through the air. There's just got to be a better way to meet nurses.
Rambling jokes
A lawyer invites his cousin from the Czech Republic to come and stay with him in Canada. The Czech cousin arrives, determined to enjoy himself. Soon they decide to go rambling. They're right out in the middle of the forest when a big grizzly bear appears. The bear hugs the poor Czech cousin to death and then eats him. The lawyer runs to the nearest village and tells everybody what has happened. The villagers form a search party and return to the forest. They come across some bears and ask the lawyer to identify the one that killed his cousin. "It's that male bear over there." They kill the bear and rip open his stomach, but there is nothing there. They decide to kill the female bear nearby, and when they rip open her stomach, they find the poor Czech cousin. So it all goes to show: "Never trust a lawyer when he says the cheque is in the mail." |
Parachute jumping jokes
Gary Lineker, Paul Gascoigne and a boy scout are all in an aeroplane together. The plane loses power and descends rapidly. The pilot orders everyone to bail out. Unfortunately there are only two parachutes to share between our three friends.
Who's going to go first? Paul Gascoigne doesn't wait, he grabs a pack and out he goes.
Gary Lineker is nervously watching the boy scout who is calmly filing his nails. Gary starts to panic and he orders the boy scout to go.
"Take that last parachute and jump."
Boy scout says: "No need to panic. Gazza took my rucksack."
David Beckham is doing a parachute jump for charity. It's his first jump, so he's extremely nervous. The instructor calmly explains to him that it's all very easy - the minute he jumps out of the plane, the parachute will open automatically. Failing that, there's a personal pullstring, and if that fails, there's the emergency pull-string, and then it's all plain sailing, easy landing, truck to pick you up and back to Old Trafford for a hot bath and dinner.
David Beckham feels reassured. He jumps out. The automatic catch doesn't work. First pull, no luck. The second pull-string comes away in his hand. And David Beckham says:
"Bet there's no truck waiting either."
Hunting jokes
When he was fined for using last year's hunting license, Zeke claimed, "I was only shooting at the ones I missed last year."
I'll never go moose hunting again. I didn't mind carrying the big gun, but the 200-pound decoy was a real drag.
He bought a hunting jacket with a Velcro closing. He accidentally rubbed up against a moose and got dragged through the woods for five miles.
A hunting foursome paired off. Late at night, one returned dragging an eight-point buck.
"Where's Bill?" inquired the other two.
"He had a heart attack a couple miles back up the trail."
"You mean you left Bill to drag the deer back here?"
"Yeah. It was a tough decision, but I figured that nobody would steal Bill."
A group of hunters fully equipped with rifles, ammo and camping supplies, came upon a young boy armed only with a slingshot.
"What are you hunting for?" asked an older hunter.
"I don't know. I ain't seen it yet," said the boy.
He loves to hunt, but he doesn't own a gun. He just drives the Chevy down to the deer crossing and waits.
A hunter was boring his guests with tales of his safari. Pointing to a tiger rug, he related, "It was either him or me."
"It was a good thing it was the tiger, Bob," said an acquaintance. "You would've made a lousy rug."
First hunter:"We've been here all day and haven't bagged a thing."
Second hunter: "Yeah, let's miss two more each and then head home."
Two men went duck hunting. Five hours passed with no luck. Finally, one of the men said to the other, "Maybe we ought to try throwing the dogs a little bit higher."
A motorist ran over the hunter's favorite coon hound. He went to the hunter's house and told the hunter's wife what happened. She said, "He's out in the field, so you'd better tell him. But break it to him gently. First tell him it was me."
A greenhorn was telling his buddy what a great hunter he was. When they arrived at their cabin, the greenhorn said,
"You get the fire started and I'll go shoot us something for supper."
After a few minutes, the greenhorn met a grizzly bear. He dropped his gun, headed for the cabin, with the bear in hot pursuit. When he was a few feet away from the cabin, the greenhorn tripped over a log. The bear couldn't stop and skidded through the open cabin door. The greenhorn got up, slammed the door, and yelled to his friend inside,
"You skin that one, and I'll go get us another one!"
Horse racing jokes
His horse lost the race, and the owner was irate. "I thought I told you to come with a rush at the end," he screamed at the jockey.
"I would have," answered the jockey, "but I didn't want to leave the horse behind."
He bet on a horse that had a photo finish with the truck that watered the track.
It would have been a photo finish, but by the time my horse finished, it was too dark to take a picture.
Horse sense: that innate sense that keeps horses from betting on people.
He bet on a horse that had excellent breeding. After the horse left the starting gate, he turned around to close it behind him.
Before he goes to the track, he always talks to people who know horse flesh the trainers, the jockey, his butcher.
"Bob, I can't understand how Bill can have so much luck at cards and be so unlucky with horses."
"That's easy," said Bob. "You can't shuffle the horses."
A horse visited a baseball stadium, trotted over to the manager and asked for a tryout. The manager, stunned by the talking horse, figured he'd give the tryout a go.
The horse took batting practice and slammed several pitches out of the park. Next came fielding practice, and he stopped everything at shortstop, and fired the ball to first base each time with amazing accuracy.
The dazed manager said, "Great! Now let's see you run." The horse said, "Are you kidding? If I could run, I'd be at Churchill Downs."
My horse was so slow that the jockey got paid time-and-a-half for overtime.
My horse would have placed in the race, but he kept looking back for his plough.
I found a way to make a horse stand perfectly still. Place a bet on him.
His horse came in so late the jockey was wearing pajamas.
Horse racing jokes
He's really considerate. He put his shirt on a horse that was scratched.
That horse is so slow the post office should buy him.
The next time that horse runs will be from a bottle of glue.
If Paul Revere had ridden this horse, we'd still be under British rule.
Two bookies were corning out of church and one said to the other, "How many times have I told you? It's hallelujah and not Hialeah."
A seven-year-old horse was entered in a big money race which it proceeded to win by seven lengths. The track manager called the owner and said,
"Your horse is seven years old and won by seven lengths. Why haven't you raced him before?"
"We would have," responded the owner, "but we didn't catch up with him until last Tuesday."
My horse was right up there with the winning horse when the race started.
I bought a horse. In its first race it went out 25 to 1. The only problem is that all the other horses left at 12:30.
He's been playing the horses for a long time. As a kid, he was the only one on the merry-go-round with a racing form.
Racetrack: A place where windows clean people.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Horses that lose are made into glue.
Hockey jokes
Hat Day. Ball Day. Hockey teams should have Denture Day.
Hockey is becoming more violent. Last night's game looked like the Mafia on ice.
Reporter to hockey player: "Did you ever break your nose?" Player: "No, but eleven other players did!"
Hockey players have been complaining about violence for years. It's just that without any teeth, no one can understand them.
They say there are three ways to play hockey: rough, rougher, and "I'll help you find your teeth if you'll help me look for mine."
Hockey players aren't always big, but their bodies are always large enough to hold all the black and blue marks they get in a game.
Our home team wasn't doing well. During a typically horrible game, none of the players had even taken a shot on goal. Finally, one got the puck and a voice from the stands yelled, "Shoot it! The wind's with you!"
The dentist complimented the goalie on his nice, even teeth...one, three, seven, nine, and eleven were missing.
When I was a kid, I thought that hockey players were sent to the penalty box to sit until their fathers came home from work. Come to think of it, that isn't such a bad idea.
Just about the time they seem to be decreasing the amount of violence on TV, the Stanley Cup Playoffs come on ESPN.
Bumper sticker: BE KIND TO ANIMALS. HUG A HOCKEY PLAYER.
A hockey puck is a hard rubber disc that hockey players hit when they are not hitting each other.
Hockey is definitely too tough. I mean, what other sport has a coroner.
I've created an invention that will revolutionize hockey and make it the wildest game on earth. It's a clear Lucite puck.
I think hockey is a great game. Of course, I have a son who's a dentist.
In hockey you take a stick and hit either the puck or anyone who has touched the puck.
I knew that it was going to be a wild game when a fight broke out in the middle of the National Anthem.
Golf jokes
I play with a golfer who is so accustomed to shaving his score that when he got a hole-in-one he carded a zero.
The world's worst golfer hit a ball into a monstrous bunker."What club shall I use?" he asked the caddie. "Never mind the club," the caddie answered."Just take along plenty of food and water."
He asked the caddie, "What do you think of my game?" He said, "It's okay, but I like golf better."
A doctor who golfs has one advantage over the rest of us. Nobody can read his scorecard.
He went golfing with his boss. The boss hit his first drive 50 yards, and it lay 275 yards from the cup, so he conceded the putt.
He's too fat to play. If he places the ball where he can hit it, he can't see it. If he places it where he can see it, he can't hit it.
There are thousands of people who are worse golfers than he is. Of course, they don't play. . .
The golf pro wants me to keep my head down so I can't see him laughing.
"You're so involved with golf," whined the wife, "that you can't even remember the day we were married." "That's what you think!" countered the husband. "It was the same day I sank a 35-foot putt."
He had to get a new caddie on the ninth hole. He sent the first one back to the clubhouse for laughing too loudly.
The way he plays they should put the flags on the greens at half-mast.
I'm not saying his game is bad, but if he grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
He cut ten strokes off his score. He didn't play the last hole.
The golf pro walked over to two women and asked, "Are you here to learn how to play golf?"
One replied, "My friend is. I learned yesterday."
The position of your hands is very important when playing golf. I use mine to cover up my scorecard.
A Scotsman gave up the game after 25 years. He lost his ball.
I took a golf lesson yesterday, and did really well. In just one lesson I was throwing my clubs as well as guys who have been playing for years!
Boxing jokes
He's an ambidextrous fighter. He can get knocked out with either hand.
He was a crossword puzzle boxer. He entered the ring vertical and left horizontal.
I quit because I had a problem with my hands. The refs kept stepping on them.
Ex-boxer: "I'm in great shape. Every artery in my body is hard."
Manager: "How would you like to fight for the crown?" Boxer: "Great. I think I can take the queen in about three rounds."
When I was a fighter I kept my head. I lost my teeth, but I kept my head.
I know that there will never be women's boxing. A woman wouldn't think of putting on gloves without a purse and shoes to match.
Boxer, after battering opponent unmercifully: "There'll be no rematch for that chump. My hands couldn't stand the punishment."
He boxed as Kid Candle. One blow and he was out.
The boxer had written on his tombstone: "You can stop counting. I'm not getting up."
"My dad is a boxer." "What is your mother?" "Extremely cautious!"
His trainer told him to stay down till eight. He looked up from the canvas and said, "What time is it now?"
He only learned to count up to ten. He thought that after ten came, "You're out!"
He boxed under the name of Kid Cousteau because he took so many dives.
The boxer was so far behind in points he had to knock out his opponent just to get a draw.
He's the only boxer in the history of the sport to be knocked out while shadow boxing.
A fighter was taking a terrific beating. When the bell rang, he staggered to his corner. His manager said, "Let him hit you with his left for awhile. Your face is crooked."
"Just think of it," said the boastful boxer to the manager. "Tonight I'll be fighting on TV before millions of people." "Yes," replied the manager, "and they'll all know the results of the fight at least ten seconds before you do."