An old Jewish man went to the races for the first time. Not knowing a thing about horse racing, he went to the paddock to take a look. He saw a Rabbi blessing one of the horses. He wrote down the number and placed a $2 bet.
Sure enough the horse won and the man won $20.
He went down to the paddock again and again the rabbi was blessing another horse.
He wrote down the number, bet his $20 and again the horse won, earning $100.
This went on, race after race, until the old Jewish man won $5000.
Just before the last race he watch the rabbi bless another horse.
He bet the $5000, but this time the horse came in dead last.
He ran down and yelled to the Rabbi, "Why did every horse you blessed win except the last one? He came in dead last!!!
The rabbi replied,"That's the problem with you Reform Jews...you don't know the difference between a brucha and a Kaddish.
Monday, May 18
Having Cake
"Ah, if I had known this before, I would have eaten the seventh cake first and that would have been enough and there would not have been any need to eat those six others."
Signs You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer
You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
Bottle fed baby?
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Reasons Why Connie Chung Is Leaving CBS
| 10. Never got comfortable with the rule about she and Dan showering together 9. During newscasts, kept mistakenly calling Bill Clinton "Jed Clampett" 8. She's going to be Mrs. Larry King #9 7. Wants to devote herself full-time to taking care of her pregnant husband, Maury 6. Tired of Dan laughing whenever she said the phrase "penal code" 5. Same reason that those who could left the Titanic 4. CBS forcing her to change name to Dr. Chung, Anchor Woman 3. Woke up one morning and thought: "Oh my God. I'm on CBS!" 2. Two years co-anchoring with Dan and still no baby 1. Her last two paychecks bounced |
CAPTAIN'S MESSAGE
young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.
The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was a buzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules. Make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way!"
The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was a buzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules. Make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way!"
Bush at the Wheel
Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of this incident...
Back in his party days, Dubya got behind the wheel after a few too many. He started the car and stepped on the gas. He was driving for a while, when suddenly a white ghost face appeared in the window. George saw it and began screaming.
He stepped on the gas harder, but the face floated right in the window. George floored it - the speedometer read 110mph but the face did not disappear. A white hands gestured for him to roll down the window. Not knowing what else to do, he rolled it down slowly.
The wrinkled old face smiled and said, "Do you want help getting out of the mud?"
Back in his party days, Dubya got behind the wheel after a few too many. He started the car and stepped on the gas. He was driving for a while, when suddenly a white ghost face appeared in the window. George saw it and began screaming.
He stepped on the gas harder, but the face floated right in the window. George floored it - the speedometer read 110mph but the face did not disappear. A white hands gestured for him to roll down the window. Not knowing what else to do, he rolled it down slowly.
The wrinkled old face smiled and said, "Do you want help getting out of the mud?"
Top Ten Signs The Concert You're Attending is Not The Real Woodstock
From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 1994
10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.
9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.
8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.
7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.
6. One word: polkas.
5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.
4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.
3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]
2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.
1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"
10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.
9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.
8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.
7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.
6. One word: polkas.
5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.
4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.
3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]
2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.
1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"
China blames America
Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.
China blames U.S. for second mid-air collision!
Beijing (Reuters) - Chinese officials have stated they are holding the United States,� Fully responsible" for today�s mid air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American aircraft. This comes just weeks after a similar incident involving a U.S. spy plane.
Officials have stated that at approximately 8:46am, GMT, a squadron of F-8 fighters collided with the American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese fighters downed and the blimps electronic billboard damaged.
A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision involving his squadron, nicknamed "Panda Rash", told China's news agency that he saw the American blimp dive out of the clouds and onto wingman Thee Sum Yun Dork's f-8 jet.
"I told Thee Dork his tail was all broken. Keep it straight. Keep it straight." said the pilot "He could not shake the American foreign-devil" The blimp reportedly then veered left then right, taking out the rest of the squadron.
Pilot Chawp Sueey told Xinhua the American blimp " Fully responsible for the incident" repeating the language Beijing had used in the earlier incident.
China blames this new accident on the Goodyear blimp, saying it rammed the supersonic fighters, and has demanded an apology.
Officials from the Goodyear Company have said it is unlikely that the slow propeller driven blimp could turn inside and ram a dozen nimble fighters unless the Chinese were testing chimp pilots.
"The direct cause of the collision was that the American blimp made a sudden big move toward the Chinese planes, making it impossible for the Chinese planes to get out of the way. The savage act of American blimps colliding with Chinese planes while conducting spying missions at sporting events makes us indignant" Chawp Sueey was quoted as saying.
Chinese officials are calling for an apology from the United States and enough Goodyear tires to replace the Firestone's that experienced spontaneous combustion last year.
China blames U.S. for second mid-air collision!
Beijing (Reuters) - Chinese officials have stated they are holding the United States,� Fully responsible" for today�s mid air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American aircraft. This comes just weeks after a similar incident involving a U.S. spy plane.
Officials have stated that at approximately 8:46am, GMT, a squadron of F-8 fighters collided with the American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese fighters downed and the blimps electronic billboard damaged.
A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision involving his squadron, nicknamed "Panda Rash", told China's news agency that he saw the American blimp dive out of the clouds and onto wingman Thee Sum Yun Dork's f-8 jet.
"I told Thee Dork his tail was all broken. Keep it straight. Keep it straight." said the pilot "He could not shake the American foreign-devil" The blimp reportedly then veered left then right, taking out the rest of the squadron.
Pilot Chawp Sueey told Xinhua the American blimp " Fully responsible for the incident" repeating the language Beijing had used in the earlier incident.
China blames this new accident on the Goodyear blimp, saying it rammed the supersonic fighters, and has demanded an apology.
Officials from the Goodyear Company have said it is unlikely that the slow propeller driven blimp could turn inside and ram a dozen nimble fighters unless the Chinese were testing chimp pilots.
"The direct cause of the collision was that the American blimp made a sudden big move toward the Chinese planes, making it impossible for the Chinese planes to get out of the way. The savage act of American blimps colliding with Chinese planes while conducting spying missions at sporting events makes us indignant" Chawp Sueey was quoted as saying.
Chinese officials are calling for an apology from the United States and enough Goodyear tires to replace the Firestone's that experienced spontaneous combustion last year.
The 25 BBS Commandments
Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.
Thou shalt remember thy name and password.
Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.
Honor thy SysOp.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her.
Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning.
Thou shalt use the English language properly.
Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible.
Thou shalt delete thine olden messages.
Thou shalt help other users.
Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.
Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself.
Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications.
Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers.
Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.
Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments.
If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip.
Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever.
Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOp's rules.
Thou shalt observe BBS time limits.
Thou shalt not upload "worm" programs.
Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.
Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS.
Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system.
Thou shalt not hack.
Thou shalt remember thy name and password.
Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.
Honor thy SysOp.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her.
Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning.
Thou shalt use the English language properly.
Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible.
Thou shalt delete thine olden messages.
Thou shalt help other users.
Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.
Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself.
Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications.
Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers.
Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.
Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments.
If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip.
Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever.
Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOp's rules.
Thou shalt observe BBS time limits.
Thou shalt not upload "worm" programs.
Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.
Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS.
Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system.
Thou shalt not hack.
License or No License?
A hunter just tagged his deer as the game warden walked up.
"Where's your license," asked the warden.
"Don't know," said the hunter.
"OK, you're under arrest for no license. Follow me to the road, and help me drag the deer," said the warden.
"No way," said the hunter. "You drag it."
Two hours later, after the warden had dragged the deer to the road, the hunter remembered which pocket held the license.
"Where's your license," asked the warden.
"Don't know," said the hunter.
"OK, you're under arrest for no license. Follow me to the road, and help me drag the deer," said the warden.
"No way," said the hunter. "You drag it."
Two hours later, after the warden had dragged the deer to the road, the hunter remembered which pocket held the license.
Mother on Jury Duty
After 40 years, mother finally got her citizenship papers and proudly registered to vote. Well, Mother received a notice to report for jury duty, and to our surprise was not only selected for a jury but was elected the foreman. It was a criminal case. A husband had shot his wife's lover, but only grazed his arm. The jury was out for over four hours before returning. Everyone waited with bated breath as the judge asked my mother whether the jury had reached a verdict, Mother stood up, and firmly replied, "We have, your honor, we decided not to butt in."
A spaceship lands in the middle of Texas
As the Martians start filing out, a big Texan walks up to the one who looks like the leader. He asks the Martian, "Y'all got them green eyes?"
The Martian answers back in a machine-like drone, "Yes, we all have green eyes."
The Texan again inquires, "and y'all go those antennay on yo' head?"
"Yes we all have antennae on our heads."
The Texan is still curious, as he looks as more of the Martians, he again asks the leader, "Y'all got them long black coats?"
To which the Martian says, "No, only the Hasidim."
Back to top
The Martian answers back in a machine-like drone, "Yes, we all have green eyes."
The Texan again inquires, "and y'all go those antennay on yo' head?"
"Yes we all have antennae on our heads."
The Texan is still curious, as he looks as more of the Martians, he again asks the leader, "Y'all got them long black coats?"
To which the Martian says, "No, only the Hasidim."
Back to top
Sunday, May 17
Reduce national debt
In October, an envelope containing $15,000 in cash was left, anonymously, on a chair at the Detroit IRS office with the instruction to apply it "to reduce the national debt."
Sainthood For Marcos
I heard recently that no Filipino saints have ever been selected and feel this is a wrong that must be righted. I know of at least one Filipino who has passed the criteria for sainthood (performing three miracles), Ferdinand Marcos. The miracles he performed are:
1) He took millions, possibly billions of dollars out of one of the world's poorer nations.
2) He stayed married to Imelda for over 30 years.
3) He died of natural causes.
1) He took millions, possibly billions of dollars out of one of the world's poorer nations.
2) He stayed married to Imelda for over 30 years.
3) He died of natural causes.
Abbott & Costello Learn Hebrew
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Enron Transcripts
The real reason the administration doesn't want to release the transcripts of the energy council meetings is because at one point you would hear Kenneth Lay barking, "Turn off that pacemaker Cheney. It's interfering with my cell phone."
Possible IBM acronyms
IBM: It's Being Mended
IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck
IBM: I Believe in Memorex
IBM: It's Better than Macintosh!
IBM: Idiots Built Me
IBM: Intense Bowel Movement
IBM: Inferior But Marketable?
IBM: I've Been Mislead
IBM: It's Better Manually
IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh
IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine
IBM: I Bought a Mac
IBM: I Blame Microsoft.
IBM: I Bought Macintosh
IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh
IBM: I've Been Moved
IBM: I've Been Mugged
IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement
IBM: Identical Blue Men
IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher
IBM: Idiots Become Managers
IBM: Incompatible Business Machines
IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine
IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly
IBM: Institute of Black Magic
IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess
IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians
IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches
IBM: It'll Be Messy
IBM: It's Backwards, Man
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
IBM: Itty Bitty Morons
IBM: It Barely Moves
IBM: I Buy Mainframes
IBM compatible - IBM contemptible
IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck
IBM: I Believe in Memorex
IBM: It's Better than Macintosh!
IBM: Idiots Built Me
IBM: Intense Bowel Movement
IBM: Inferior But Marketable?
IBM: I've Been Mislead
IBM: It's Better Manually
IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh
IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine
IBM: I Bought a Mac
IBM: I Blame Microsoft.
IBM: I Bought Macintosh
IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh
IBM: I've Been Moved
IBM: I've Been Mugged
IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement
IBM: Identical Blue Men
IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher
IBM: Idiots Become Managers
IBM: Incompatible Business Machines
IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine
IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly
IBM: Institute of Black Magic
IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess
IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians
IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches
IBM: It'll Be Messy
IBM: It's Backwards, Man
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
IBM: Itty Bitty Morons
IBM: It Barely Moves
IBM: I Buy Mainframes
IBM compatible - IBM contemptible
Mu
Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers.
One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your Purpose in Life, anyway?"
Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your Purpose in Life, anyway?"
Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
Bass Player
| Q. How do you know when your bass player arrives? A. He knocks on the door, but forgets to come in! |
The Farthest And The Nearest
After a party, the guests discussed how far they needed to travel before they could reached their beds. One particularly drunk guest said, "I'm the nearest."
A few other guests muttered: "No, the host is the nearest." The drunk guest mumbled: "Not so. He has to walk all the way to his bedroom. All I have to do is to collapse on the floor here."
A few other guests muttered: "No, the host is the nearest." The drunk guest mumbled: "Not so. He has to walk all the way to his bedroom. All I have to do is to collapse on the floor here."
It Hurts!
| A man goes to the doctor and says: "It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side) "And when I press here" (pressing the other side) "And here" (his leg) "And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms) So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong. He exclaimed, "You've got a broken finger!" |
Reason to Defect
A Jew in Moscow was awakened in the middle of the night by a loud knock on the door.
Who's there?" he asked.
"The postman!" came the reply.
The man got out of bed and opened the door and found two KGB agents.
"Are you Liebovitch?"
"Yes."
"And did you make an application to go to Israel?"
"I did."
"Don't you have enough food to eat here?"
"Yes, we do."
"Don't your children get a good Communist education?"
"Certainly."
"Then why do you want to leave Russia?"
"I don't like the post being delivered at three in the morning
Who's there?" he asked.
"The postman!" came the reply.
The man got out of bed and opened the door and found two KGB agents.
"Are you Liebovitch?"
"Yes."
"And did you make an application to go to Israel?"
"I did."
"Don't you have enough food to eat here?"
"Yes, we do."
"Don't your children get a good Communist education?"
"Certainly."
"Then why do you want to leave Russia?"
"I don't like the post being delivered at three in the morning
Business one-liners 122
Oliver's Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Orben's Packaging Discovery: For the first time in history, one bag of groceries produces two bags of trash.
Osborn's Law: Variables won't, constants aren't.
Ozman's Laws: (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible
O'Toole's Commentary On Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.
Parkinson's Laws: First Law - Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. Second Law - Expenditures rise to meet income. Fourth Law - The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. Law of Committees - The amount of time spent by a committee on an agenda item is inversely proportional to the cost of the item. Fifth Law - If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. Sixth Law - Action expands to fill the void created by human failure.
Orben's Packaging Discovery: For the first time in history, one bag of groceries produces two bags of trash.
Osborn's Law: Variables won't, constants aren't.
Ozman's Laws: (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible
O'Toole's Commentary On Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.
Parkinson's Laws: First Law - Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. Second Law - Expenditures rise to meet income. Fourth Law - The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. Law of Committees - The amount of time spent by a committee on an agenda item is inversely proportional to the cost of the item. Fifth Law - If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. Sixth Law - Action expands to fill the void created by human failure.
A husband with a computer addiction
My Dear Husband,
I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.
Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George--err--Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love,
Your Wife
I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.
Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George--err--Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love,
Your Wife
Ploughing the land
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
The Sum
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus
five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and asked, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son
of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and asked, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son
of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
Stop credit card fraud
|
Massive ball of hair
December 18, 1992
Three maintenance workers in Alexandria, Ind., fixed a massive street-flooding problem in October when they pulled a 200-pound hairball from a manhole. Said one of the men, "We thought we had a goat."
Maryland Crazy Law
|
Scent makes you gamble
| Monday, December 7, 1992 In September, the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation reported the development of an odor that makes gamblers bet more. In a study in Las Vegas, slot machines outfitted to emit the odor racked up 45 percent more business. The neurologist who conducted the study predicted that the scent will become widely used in Las Vegas. |
Things Dubya Shouldn't Say
1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into consideration and realized that I really DO look like a furry woodland creature!
2. My fellow Americans, prepare to die. I accidentally sent my wife's birthday gift to bin Laden instead of a bomb. When he receives the negligee I'm afraid he won't be happy. Unfortunately, my wife will receive the bomb. At least ONE good thing will come of this!
3. My fellow Americans, I have decided to skip the state of the union and instead air a program I have long loved and admired, which I still watch to this day... ready? Here it goes!.. "I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME, WE'RE A HAPPY FAMILY, WITH A..."
4. My fellow Americans, I have just learned of an extraordinary thing! There is a HOLE in the ozone layer! Now we can see the stars even better!
5. Doo a diddy, diddy dum diddy doo!
6. My fellow Americans, I have been deceiving you. I must tell you this now: I know you all voted for me because I am my father's son. Well, he's not my father. You have elected the son of the mailman!
7. My fellow Americans, I must apologize. I had no idea that Dick Cheney is my Vice President! I thought that I was running with a pro wrestler. Please forgive me for my mistake. What? What do you mean, how could I have possibly done such a thing? Simple. I don't really memorize all the names of those less than unimportant senators that no one cares about. I make up nicknames for them like Obblebobble and Notafornee and then laugh about it in my little corners when they're talking about laws and junk.
8. My fellow Americans, I forgot... what was thing with slavery again?
9. My fellow Americans, I have decided to go and finish school and get my high school diploma. Starting Monday I am enrolling in the class I never finished - Miss Munerlich's kindergarten!
10. My fellow Americans, I have decided to go on a family vacation to - Afghanistan! I hear people get stoned there, and unfortunately that is illegal here in our great country that is run by me. I haven't gotten stoned in a long time, not since my visit to the Colombian drug lord Elrico Machimachez, who happens to supply me with mucho goods... What? They THROW stones at people? ...Ah, change of plans! Honey, children, you're going to Afghanistan without me, I have to... uh... write a bill for the allowance of marijuana in America! Ta ta!
2. My fellow Americans, prepare to die. I accidentally sent my wife's birthday gift to bin Laden instead of a bomb. When he receives the negligee I'm afraid he won't be happy. Unfortunately, my wife will receive the bomb. At least ONE good thing will come of this!
3. My fellow Americans, I have decided to skip the state of the union and instead air a program I have long loved and admired, which I still watch to this day... ready? Here it goes!.. "I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME, WE'RE A HAPPY FAMILY, WITH A..."
4. My fellow Americans, I have just learned of an extraordinary thing! There is a HOLE in the ozone layer! Now we can see the stars even better!
5. Doo a diddy, diddy dum diddy doo!
6. My fellow Americans, I have been deceiving you. I must tell you this now: I know you all voted for me because I am my father's son. Well, he's not my father. You have elected the son of the mailman!
7. My fellow Americans, I must apologize. I had no idea that Dick Cheney is my Vice President! I thought that I was running with a pro wrestler. Please forgive me for my mistake. What? What do you mean, how could I have possibly done such a thing? Simple. I don't really memorize all the names of those less than unimportant senators that no one cares about. I make up nicknames for them like Obblebobble and Notafornee and then laugh about it in my little corners when they're talking about laws and junk.
8. My fellow Americans, I forgot... what was thing with slavery again?
9. My fellow Americans, I have decided to go and finish school and get my high school diploma. Starting Monday I am enrolling in the class I never finished - Miss Munerlich's kindergarten!
10. My fellow Americans, I have decided to go on a family vacation to - Afghanistan! I hear people get stoned there, and unfortunately that is illegal here in our great country that is run by me. I haven't gotten stoned in a long time, not since my visit to the Colombian drug lord Elrico Machimachez, who happens to supply me with mucho goods... What? They THROW stones at people? ...Ah, change of plans! Honey, children, you're going to Afghanistan without me, I have to... uh... write a bill for the allowance of marijuana in America! Ta ta!
Touring a new saw mill
Two Newfies landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning the one yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here... No! There goes another one!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here... No! There goes another one!"
Newspaper
An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Farrakhan's newspaper. His best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops -- in shock.
"What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Washington Jewish Week!"
The elderly man replies, "'The Washington Jewish Week' has stories about intermarriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel -- all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news. Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money... the Jews control the banks... the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood. Better to read nothing but good news
"What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Washington Jewish Week!"
The elderly man replies, "'The Washington Jewish Week' has stories about intermarriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel -- all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news. Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money... the Jews control the banks... the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood. Better to read nothing but good news
Cold, cold
Many years ago, there was a high occurrence of helicopters crashing in Malaysia reported in the news.
The US government, therefore immediately, sent an expert to investigate. Following a pre-planned schedule, the American expert followed as co-pilot beside a pre-selected Malaysian pilot.
Everything went smoothly, the helicopter took off and ascended to the clear blue sky. The helicopter went up and up. The Malaysian pilot then started to behave strangely. He was shivering. Then suddenly, he switched off the ignition switch of engine. The American pilot immediately shouted, 'Mayday, mayday!' and furiously questioned the Malaysian pilot for his action.
The Malay pilot sneezed the words, 'Cold, cold...'
The US government, therefore immediately, sent an expert to investigate. Following a pre-planned schedule, the American expert followed as co-pilot beside a pre-selected Malaysian pilot.
Everything went smoothly, the helicopter took off and ascended to the clear blue sky. The helicopter went up and up. The Malaysian pilot then started to behave strangely. He was shivering. Then suddenly, he switched off the ignition switch of engine. The American pilot immediately shouted, 'Mayday, mayday!' and furiously questioned the Malaysian pilot for his action.
The Malay pilot sneezed the words, 'Cold, cold...'
Break your Arm?
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Colorado.One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.
Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.
She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So. How did you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.
"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes, and pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift ... "
" ... So, how did you break your arm?"
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.
Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.
She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So. How did you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.
"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes, and pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift ... "
" ... So, how did you break your arm?"
A man was out, driving happily along in...
| A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" "No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away." |
A detachment of paratroopers was practic...
A detachment of paratroopers was practicing in a rural area. One Jumper started down on the property of an old mountain man and his very large family.
One of the kids saw the chute floating down and yelled out to his father, "Pa, bring your shotgun. The stork is bringing em full grown now!"
One of the kids saw the chute floating down and yelled out to his father, "Pa, bring your shotgun. The stork is bringing em full grown now!"
Pet Fish
After a day fishing in the Sea of Galilee Moshe the fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two rare fish in a bucket. He is approached by Yaki Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
Moshe says to the warden, "I did not catch these fish, they are my pets.
Every day I come down to the water and whistle and these fish jump out and I take them for a swim only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license, and a heavy fine is levied for illegally fishing rare fish.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the fish back into the water.
Yaki the warden says, "Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will come out of the water."
Moshe turns to the warden and says, "What fish?"
Moshe says to the warden, "I did not catch these fish, they are my pets.
Every day I come down to the water and whistle and these fish jump out and I take them for a swim only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license, and a heavy fine is levied for illegally fishing rare fish.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the fish back into the water.
Yaki the warden says, "Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will come out of the water."
Moshe turns to the warden and says, "What fish?"
Business one-liners 12
Any minimum criteria set will be the maximum value used.
Any producing entity is the last to use its own product.
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a "rigged" demo.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions.
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center.
Any producing entity is the last to use its own product.
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a "rigged" demo.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions.
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center.
Joke Of The Day
Banta fell in love with a college girl but did not know how to propose marriage to her. After much thinking he asked, "Sujata, would you like to be the mother of my children?" Sujata replied, "Why not? How many have you?"
Thoughts
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be AssimilatedThe more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
JFK Jnr
Why didn't JFK Jr take a shower before be left for the Vineyard?
He said he'd wash up on shore.
Hear about Kennedy Airlines?
Their motto is 'Your luggage will arrive before you do!'
What do Kennedy's miss most about Martha's Vineyard?
The runway.
How did JFK Jr learn to fly?
Crash course.
How are the Kennedy's like oil?
They don't mix well with water.
Why aren't there more JFK Jr jokes out there?
They just haven't surfaced yet.
He said he'd wash up on shore.
Hear about Kennedy Airlines?
Their motto is 'Your luggage will arrive before you do!'
What do Kennedy's miss most about Martha's Vineyard?
The runway.
How did JFK Jr learn to fly?
Crash course.
How are the Kennedy's like oil?
They don't mix well with water.
Why aren't there more JFK Jr jokes out there?
They just haven't surfaced yet.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
Hillary Clinton's Crystal Ball
Senator Hillary Clinton snuck off to visit a fortuneteller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this,so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die aviolent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at thewoman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
What sits at the bottom of the bed and constantly takes the piss???
A kidney dialysis machine!
Bush's Tragedy
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"
The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"
"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"
"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"
The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"
"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"
"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"
Spoken English
There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So she brought her husband to the store..................because he spoke English.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So she brought her husband to the store..................because he spoke English.
Airplane Pilot
A plane takes off from New York's Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293,' he says. 'The weather ahead looks clear, so sit back, relax and - OH MY GOD!'
The intercom falls silent.
A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. 'I'm so sorry for scaring you all earlier,' he says.
'But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
'That's nothing,' a passenger in coach shouted. 'You should see the back of mine!'
'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293,' he says. 'The weather ahead looks clear, so sit back, relax and - OH MY GOD!'
The intercom falls silent.
A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. 'I'm so sorry for scaring you all earlier,' he says.
'But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
'That's nothing,' a passenger in coach shouted. 'You should see the back of mine!'
Actual Control Tower Conversations
November 22, 1996 - Any More Complaints? The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."
*************************
November 15, 1996 - What the...?! PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first."
The tower promptly cleared PSA fortakeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.
*************************
November 8, 1996 - Which Exit Did You Say That Was? A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high...San Jose
Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport."
*************************
November 1, 1996 - Ouch! Western Airlines had a term for its second officers. The term was "GIB," and stood for "Guy In Back." The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a "gib" is a castrated tomcat.
*************************
October 11, 1996 - What Is That Thang? It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City...
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles.
"Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?
"Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl) "Well... I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
*************************
September 6, 1996 - Mmmm-mmm, Good! Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
*************************
June 28, 1996 - No, That's not what I Said! O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."
*************************
November 15, 1996 - What the...?! PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first."
The tower promptly cleared PSA fortakeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.
*************************
November 8, 1996 - Which Exit Did You Say That Was? A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high...San Jose
Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport."
*************************
November 1, 1996 - Ouch! Western Airlines had a term for its second officers. The term was "GIB," and stood for "Guy In Back." The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a "gib" is a castrated tomcat.
*************************
October 11, 1996 - What Is That Thang? It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City...
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles.
"Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?
"Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl) "Well... I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
*************************
September 6, 1996 - Mmmm-mmm, Good! Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
*************************
June 28, 1996 - No, That's not what I Said! O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."
Actual Control Tower Conversations
| November 22, 1996 - Any More Complaints? The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth." ************************* November 15, 1996 - What the...?! PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first." The tower promptly cleared PSA fortakeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation. ************************* November 8, 1996 - Which Exit Did You Say That Was? A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high...San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport." ************************* November 1, 1996 - Ouch! Western Airlines had a term for its second officers. The term was "GIB," and stood for "Guy In Back." The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a "gib" is a castrated tomcat. ************************* October 11, 1996 - What Is That Thang? It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City... KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles. "Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him." |
$100,000
A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.
I know, he says, they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something.
They each agree to carry out his wish.
Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin.
After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.
At this the priest says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested.
Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.
I know, he says, they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something.
They each agree to carry out his wish.
Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin.
After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.
At this the priest says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested.
Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.
The Passing of an Old Friend
My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by. Today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance, for Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.
Obituary
Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair , and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a Band-Aid to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
100 Camels
As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. 'America,' the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, 'She's not from the States.'
'Yes, I am.' said the wife.
He looked at her and asked, 'Is he your husband?'
'Yes,' she replied.
Turning to the husband, he offered.... 'I'll give you 100 camels for her.' The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied,' She's not for sale.'
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, 'I was trying to figure out how I'd get 100 camels back home.'
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, 'She's not from the States.'
'Yes, I am.' said the wife.
He looked at her and asked, 'Is he your husband?'
'Yes,' she replied.
Turning to the husband, he offered.... 'I'll give you 100 camels for her.' The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied,' She's not for sale.'
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, 'I was trying to figure out how I'd get 100 camels back home.'
Suicide Blonde Goes To The Hospital!
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor.
"You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
30 Funny twitter comics
When I just browsing the web. Asusual to find some funny stuff I find this great list of comics. All of you twitter is the fasted growing community on web today. Here are some of the comics which about twitter. This is orginally posted at webdesignerdepot.com. And don't forgot to twitt about this. :-}
And here is a video about twitter.
Comment if you like it
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