Friday, May 15
Twisted April Fool's Joke
It's the first of April, and Joe is out of town on business. He returns home to find out that his wife is at the hospital in labor having their first child.
He rushes to the hospital, and goes to his wife's side. She has already had the child. He goes to the nursery to see the baby.
He spots the name on a crib and motions to the nurse. She points at the crib and Joe says, "Yes, he's my son."
The nurse picks up the baby and drops it on the floor. Joe is aghast. The nurse says, "Don't worry." She picks up the baby and slaps it hard across the face several times. Joe turns white in horror as she throws the baby across the nursery. Joe is about to faint as she holds the baby by it's testicles and swings it around her head.
Joe screams, "Stop you're kiling my baby!!!!"
The nurse responds, "April Fools... It was born dead..."
He rushes to the hospital, and goes to his wife's side. She has already had the child. He goes to the nursery to see the baby.
He spots the name on a crib and motions to the nurse. She points at the crib and Joe says, "Yes, he's my son."
The nurse picks up the baby and drops it on the floor. Joe is aghast. The nurse says, "Don't worry." She picks up the baby and slaps it hard across the face several times. Joe turns white in horror as she throws the baby across the nursery. Joe is about to faint as she holds the baby by it's testicles and swings it around her head.
Joe screams, "Stop you're kiling my baby!!!!"
The nurse responds, "April Fools... It was born dead..."
Doctor With the Wrong Idea
During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."
Duck Shooting
Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.
"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity.
"Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.
"Go see if that was a duck, will you?"
"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity.
"Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.
"Go see if that was a duck, will you?"
Old and Forgetful
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
Cat Scan
A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
Visit to the Doctor
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
Doctor Checkups
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?
Weird Baby
A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?"
"Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes" he replied.
Then the torso came out and it was yellow.
"Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?"
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.
When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian.
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.
He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"
"Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes" he replied.
Then the torso came out and it was yellow.
"Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?"
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.
When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian.
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.
He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"
A Difficult Case
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
C-141
A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
Useful Military Warnings
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
(And lastly)
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
(And lastly)
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop
Too Hot For Arizona Convicts???
It's even hotter than usual in Phoenix, 116 degrees sets a new record, the Associated Press reports:
About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.
On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before. Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks.
"It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzo't, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 1/2 years. "It's inhumane."
Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic.
He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths. "
KIND OF PUTS THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE DOESN'T IT?
About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.
On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before. Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks.
"It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzo't, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 1/2 years. "It's inhumane."
Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic.
He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths. "
KIND OF PUTS THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE DOESN'T IT?
I'm A Pilot
The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that would be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new M-1 Battle Tank, a pair of twin well built, neatly kept brothers who looked like they had just stepped off an Army Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the best Army in the world?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills can you bring to this man's Army?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Army, what else do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century and our battles are fought with our minds as much as with our bodies!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Duh! I have to friggin' *chop* it before he can pile it!"
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new M-1 Battle Tank, a pair of twin well built, neatly kept brothers who looked like they had just stepped off an Army Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the best Army in the world?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills can you bring to this man's Army?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Army, what else do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century and our battles are fought with our minds as much as with our bodies!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Duh! I have to friggin' *chop* it before he can pile it!"
Perfectly Good Aircraf
The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump."
"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary.
"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary.
Barbershop
A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
Tough Texans
A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One man from Texas is better than ten Iraqis." The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes and then, silence. The voice once again calls out
"One man from Texas is better than one hundred Iraqi."
Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again, silence. The Rebel voice calls out again
"One man from Texas is better than one thousand Iraqi."
The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men...it's a trap. There are two of them.
"One man from Texas is better than one hundred Iraqi."
Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again, silence. The Rebel voice calls out again
"One man from Texas is better than one thousand Iraqi."
The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men...it's a trap. There are two of them.
War Wound
A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men. He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.
"What the hell is that?" he asks.
"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes"
Then the guy looks to his right and sees... three streams!
"What the hell is that?"
"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes."
The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see... 12 streams!
"War wound??"
"Naah, my zipper's stuck"
"What the hell is that?" he asks.
"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes"
Then the guy looks to his right and sees... three streams!
"What the hell is that?"
"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes."
The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see... 12 streams!
"War wound??"
"Naah, my zipper's stuck"
Hotel Room
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Change of Underwear
The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, "I've got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear."
The troops started cheering at the news.
"Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy..."
The troops started cheering at the news.
"Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy..."
Tyrannical Sergeant
So, the tyrannical sergeant major is called to the Colonel's office: "Smith's mother has just died can you tell him?" So the sergeant calls his men to the parade ground....
"Squad attention!, Smith your mother's dead!", squad dismissed'.
Smith walks away tears streaming down his face. Later on the Colonel tells the sergeant that Smith's father has also died and can he break the news gently this time. So once again sergeant calls his men to the parade ground...
"Squad attention! All those with fathers take one step forward. Smith where the hell do you think your going!"
"Squad attention!, Smith your mother's dead!", squad dismissed'.
Smith walks away tears streaming down his face. Later on the Colonel tells the sergeant that Smith's father has also died and can he break the news gently this time. So once again sergeant calls his men to the parade ground...
"Squad attention! All those with fathers take one step forward. Smith where the hell do you think your going!"
Pirates!
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed,
"Bring me my brown pants!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed,
"Bring me my brown pants!"
Becoming a Paratrooper
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Hmm, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed on to the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up where the sun doesn't shine.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Hmm, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed on to the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up where the sun doesn't shine.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."
Interviewing a General
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Dumped Soldier
The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying........... "Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying........... "Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
Military Computer
Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.
Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."
The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"
"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."
Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."
The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"
"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."
The Corpses' Blue Suit
The widow takes a look at her dear departed one night before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose.
The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.
The lady said, "Who's paying for this?"
Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast.
The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads."
The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.
The lady said, "Who's paying for this?"
Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast.
The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads."
Drill Sergeant
A drill sergeant was known to be brusque with his men. His lieutenant warned him to try to be more sympathetic:
"I don't want to interfere with your discipline but when there is bad news to relate, please be more diplomatic."
"Yes, *sir!*"
"Now, I have received bad news for one of your men: George Martin. It seems his father has been in a bad traffic accident. Please break the news carefully."
"Yes, *sir!*"
At roll call, the sergeant says: "Fall in everyone. Martin, if you call home today and don't get an answer, it's your dad."
After Martin finds out the truth, he goes crying away to his bunk. The next day, the lieutenant reprimands the drill sergeant once more: "Look, Sarge, this can't continue. If you can't think of a kinder way ....to deal with this kind of news, we'll eliminate this practice from roll call. Now I'm giving you one last chance. Gomez's mother died last ....night You know what to do."
"No problem, lieutenant!"
Roll call: "All right, all you maggots, fall in! All those with living mothers step forward!" And in a quieter tone: "*Not* so fast, Gomez."
"I don't want to interfere with your discipline but when there is bad news to relate, please be more diplomatic."
"Yes, *sir!*"
"Now, I have received bad news for one of your men: George Martin. It seems his father has been in a bad traffic accident. Please break the news carefully."
"Yes, *sir!*"
At roll call, the sergeant says: "Fall in everyone. Martin, if you call home today and don't get an answer, it's your dad."
After Martin finds out the truth, he goes crying away to his bunk. The next day, the lieutenant reprimands the drill sergeant once more: "Look, Sarge, this can't continue. If you can't think of a kinder way ....to deal with this kind of news, we'll eliminate this practice from roll call. Now I'm giving you one last chance. Gomez's mother died last ....night You know what to do."
"No problem, lieutenant!"
Roll call: "All right, all you maggots, fall in! All those with living mothers step forward!" And in a quieter tone: "*Not* so fast, Gomez."
In Good Hands?
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.
He yells - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"
One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.
He yells - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"
A Stuck Army Jeep
During an Army war game a commanding officer’s jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we’ve been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn’t contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we’ve been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn’t contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
GI Insurance
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "Which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "Which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
No Sex Since 1955
A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."
The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"
The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!
"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."
The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"
The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!
Stand Still Soldier
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,
"Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it."
"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,
"Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it."
Stand Still Soldier
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,
"Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it."
"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,
"Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it."
Serving at a Desert Outpost
A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
The General
The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.
For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.
One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General."
After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.
"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."
A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.
The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.
An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"
"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.
"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"
For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.
One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General."
After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.
"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."
A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.
The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.
An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"
"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.
"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"
Buffalo come
Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains when Tonto stops suddenly, climbs down, and puts his ear to the ground.
Lone Ranger waits a few minutes, then asks Tonto, "What is it?"
"Buffalo come," Tonto replied.
"How can you tell?"
"Ear sticky."
Lone Ranger waits a few minutes, then asks Tonto, "What is it?"
"Buffalo come," Tonto replied.
"How can you tell?"
"Ear sticky."
Custer's Last Thoughts
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist.
Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.
Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those f*cking Indians.'"
Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.
Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those f*cking Indians.'"
Cowboy Sex
A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.
"Congratulations!" says the clerk.
Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"
"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."
"Congratulations!" says the clerk.
Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"
"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."
Catching Cows
More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.
"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."
"I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"
"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."
"I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"
Mexican Bandit
The story is told of a Mexican bandit who robbed a Texas bank of $250,000 and escaped across the river. A month went by and the bandit thought he was safe. He was celebrating his good fortune at a local cantina, when a Texas Ranger walked up and dragged him out into the dusty street. After he realized he had a communication problem, the ranger poked his head back into the bar: "Anybody here speak English?" he shouted.
"I do, senor" came the reply.
Then commere" the ranger ordered. The conversation between ranger, translator and bandit started. "Did he rob the bank?" "He did." "Does he still have the $250,000?" "Yes," again. Then the ranger pulled out his Colt .45, held the barrel of the gun to the bandit's head and cocked the trigger. "Make sure he understands this next question real good." the ranger told the translator. "WHERE'S THE MONEY?"
In Spanish the frightened bandit blurted out that the money was hidden in a waterproof bag at the bottom of the well in the town plaza. The translator looked up at the ranger: "He says he is not afraid to die, you fricking Gringo!"
"I do, senor" came the reply.
Then commere" the ranger ordered. The conversation between ranger, translator and bandit started. "Did he rob the bank?" "He did." "Does he still have the $250,000?" "Yes," again. Then the ranger pulled out his Colt .45, held the barrel of the gun to the bandit's head and cocked the trigger. "Make sure he understands this next question real good." the ranger told the translator. "WHERE'S THE MONEY?"
In Spanish the frightened bandit blurted out that the money was hidden in a waterproof bag at the bottom of the well in the town plaza. The translator looked up at the ranger: "He says he is not afraid to die, you fricking Gringo!"
Alaskan Birthday Party
Alaskan Birthday Party Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".
"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".
Chili taster named Frank
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili cook off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome!
Grab a tissue, this is hilarious.
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy COW, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting WASTED from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. BITTY is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really MAKES ME MAD that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, Sulfuric flames. I POOPED IN MY PANTS when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that WENCH Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my BUTT with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like POOP to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Saloon Pun
A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention.
"Has anyone seen Brown paper Jake?", he asks.
"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy.
"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brownpaper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."
"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.
"Rustlin'...", replies the Sheriff
"Has anyone seen Brown paper Jake?", he asks.
"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy.
"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brownpaper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."
"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.
"Rustlin'...", replies the Sheriff
The Journalist and the Sheep
In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in a new Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a cowboy, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"
"Ya mean women?" asked the cowboy. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks shag sheep."
"That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degredation."
However, after a few months, the correspondent's balls were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations.
Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.
"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been shagging sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!"
One cowboy spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"
"Ya mean women?" asked the cowboy. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks shag sheep."
"That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degredation."
However, after a few months, the correspondent's balls were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations.
Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.
"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been shagging sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!"
One cowboy spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"
Head of an Indian
Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sasparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.
The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."
The two blonds looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head.
The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.
Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."
Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."
Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."
But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."
So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians.
Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . . we're going to be millionaires!"
The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."
The two blonds looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head.
The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.
Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."
Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."
Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."
But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."
So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians.
Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . . we're going to be millionaires!"
The Theatre
The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied....... "The balcony."
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied....... "The balcony."
Farm Accident
It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"
"Under the wagon."
"Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"
"Under the wagon."
The Old Cowhand
The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine.He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on, Mister..."
"Sheriff?"
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?"
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."
"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine.He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on, Mister..."
"Sheriff?"
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?"
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."
The Indian
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
Wednesday, May 13
Tuesday, May 12
MICROSOFT TESTER DIES TRAGICALLY AT HANDS OF "PAL"
REDMOND, Wa - The Microsoft Redmond Campus was rocked by tragedy today as Paul Fitzgerald, Test Engineer on the Windows NT Team, was brutally murdered in an apparently psychotic tirade by one of the "personalities" of Microsoft's latest operating system shell program, Bob. In the small hours of this morning, Java, the "friendly" coffee-drinking dinosaur, burst from the screen of Fitzgerald's computer, cutting a swath of destruction throughout the hapless worker's office and into the accompanying hallway.
The beast was quickly subdued by Microsoft Campus Security upon failing to produce a valid Microsoft keycard, avoiding what could otherwise have been a tragedy of much greater proportions. He is currently undergoing psychiatric evaluation at the Washington Institute for Perfectly Valid Lifeforms Who in the Heat of the Moment Do Some Absolutely Naughty Things. Says Lars Opstad, chief spiritual healer and concert pianist, "It's touch and go right now. I don't think Java yet realizes the immensity of what he's done."
`Eyewitnesses say that they could hear the stegosaur-like computer guide screaming "All I wanted was a GOOD espresso" in those terrible moments before dawn. Said Rover Retriever, another Bob personality, "This is just terrible. Java was always such a great guy. Sure, he was a little high strung, but I can't believe he would do something like this. I think we need to seriously re-examine the stress that the Bob Personality group is under so that another such incident doesn't occur."
A possible precipitant to the incident could be Java's recent attempt to quit smoking as a result of a clause in his contract. Lawyers are examining whether this constitutes a violation of discriminatory hiring statutes on Microsoft's part. Microsoft Legal could not be reached for comment, but an undisclosed source asserted "We couldn't have him puffing away like that. He's a dinosaur, not a dragon. It would confuse the market."
Coroner's reports say Fitzgerald died instantly of cardiac arrest, but are unclear on whether this was a result of the vicious attack or the fact that Bob installed successfully on NT.
The beast was quickly subdued by Microsoft Campus Security upon failing to produce a valid Microsoft keycard, avoiding what could otherwise have been a tragedy of much greater proportions. He is currently undergoing psychiatric evaluation at the Washington Institute for Perfectly Valid Lifeforms Who in the Heat of the Moment Do Some Absolutely Naughty Things. Says Lars Opstad, chief spiritual healer and concert pianist, "It's touch and go right now. I don't think Java yet realizes the immensity of what he's done."
`Eyewitnesses say that they could hear the stegosaur-like computer guide screaming "All I wanted was a GOOD espresso" in those terrible moments before dawn. Said Rover Retriever, another Bob personality, "This is just terrible. Java was always such a great guy. Sure, he was a little high strung, but I can't believe he would do something like this. I think we need to seriously re-examine the stress that the Bob Personality group is under so that another such incident doesn't occur."
A possible precipitant to the incident could be Java's recent attempt to quit smoking as a result of a clause in his contract. Lawyers are examining whether this constitutes a violation of discriminatory hiring statutes on Microsoft's part. Microsoft Legal could not be reached for comment, but an undisclosed source asserted "We couldn't have him puffing away like that. He's a dinosaur, not a dragon. It would confuse the market."
Coroner's reports say Fitzgerald died instantly of cardiac arrest, but are unclear on whether this was a result of the vicious attack or the fact that Bob installed successfully on NT.
Bill Gates' Adventures in Heaven
Ever wondered what heaven looks like ?
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."
"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"
Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"
"Yes."
"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?" "I guess not."
"You guess right."
So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."
"Job assignment?"
"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not *that* Abraham." Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.
"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."
"I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."
Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"
"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"
"You bet!"
Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ....
.... Macintoshes ....
.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then ....
.... GO TO HELL!"
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."
"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"
Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"
"Yes."
"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?" "I guess not."
"You guess right."
So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."
"Job assignment?"
"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not *that* Abraham." Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.
"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."
"I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."
Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"
"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"
"You bet!"
Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ....
.... Macintoshes ....
.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then ....
.... GO TO HELL!"
computer joke
Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues.
If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
Then go : illogical statement with your whole family.
Because the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues.
On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues!
And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues.
If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
Then go : illogical statement with your whole family.
Because the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues.
On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues!
Super computer in hospital
A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.
The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.
The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.
Spell Checker
I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.
Puff the Fractal Dragon
"Puff the Fractal Dragon"
No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -
He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
Chorus:
Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
(chorus)
Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
The operator killed Puff's job - he didn't seem to care.
A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
(chorus)
No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -
He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
Chorus:
Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
(chorus)
Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
The operator killed Puff's job - he didn't seem to care.
A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
(chorus)
How to Please Your I.T. Department
01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
Techronia Out of Hours On-Site
It was about 11:30 on a Sunday morning, when I get a request to go onto a client site. When I arrive, a man flailing his arms comes up to me and states, "I'm trying to print this document!...And the printer wont work! Why can't you guys get this printing thing right?" the user said. I approached the printer, pointed to it, and said, "Do you know what that blinking red light next to 'PAPER JAM' means?", to which there was the usual pause and, "No?" Opening the printer I exclaimed, "It means there is a fucking paper jam, as in open the printer, and take the fucking paper out, cunt." Our on-site support not only resolves the immediate problem, but helps instruct the user on how to resolve the problem in future incidences, rather then resorting to their usual complete display of arrogance.
For further information on these and many other services, contact 1-800-DUM-USER
Techronia Group Therapy
It doesn't just end at simple phone support for our customers... Since things like, undeleteing files clients so recklessly deleted isn't always possible, we offer stupidity consultations. We open up user groups to talk about where their stupidity originated. Heredity, social status, the fact that they received a pink slip 3 weeks ago but are still working for the company, are all group discussion topics that bring subjects into the open. Although most of the clients are irreparably moronic for the rest of their lives, we can look at ways of curving the impact of their truly stupid acts from effecting the remainder of the company.
Techronia Priority Out Of Hours Wanker Service
"I remember one client calling... It was about 2am and he used our Priority Out of Hours Wanker Service... He called saying that his screen was blank, his mind was blank, and he needed to start writing a presentation due to management the next morning." recalls technician Bob Goldbalm. "We immediately provided a solution, by asking the user to plug the computer in, "For the thing to work, just plug it in, moron!". "It's moments like this, to hear the squeals of glee from this fucking moron that make me feel like I am doing my job." says Bob shaking his head in disbelief.
Techronia Phone Support
When the statement "Click Here" isn't clear enough; when "Press any key to continue..." doesn't provide enough options; when "Are you sure you wish to format non-removable device?" is just not informative enough, Techronia will be there. Tony Pallers explains, "It was about 3:45pm and we received a call from what we classify here as a Loser User... ", stopping momentarily to reminisce he continues in the sound of the users voice, "I have lost all my files! I go to drive 'A' just like the book says, this is not a joke and the computer says there is nothing there!" Tony continues in his normal voice, "I asked the user if he took the disk in drive A out. The user on the other end of the phone is silent for a few seconds and replies, 'yeah, why do you ask?' To which I replied, "BECAUSE YOUR FILES ARE ON THAT FUCKING DISK YOU PRICK!" Quick, accurate service makes Techronia, support firm chart topper for the past 5 years.
Techronia Technical Support Services
"The world of technology can be difficult for some." - Press Release
We offer a range of quality services to satisfy any possible technical support requirement. Time and time again, companies rely on our services to fish their workers out of daily situations and problems. Most companies only give you the "royal shaft" treatment, Techronia gives you the answers. We probe deep into the partially working minds of our clients and delve into their shallow waters to discover what they want from us. Whether it's the fact that they are incapable of figuring out a device like the "mouse" that 6.7 million other people know how to use, or finding that ever elusive power switch for the monitor, we are here to help.
Lets look at just some of the service offerings available from Techronia at competitive industry rates...
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