Thursday, May 7
Chocolate
A man was in an ice cream parlor waiting to buy some ice cream. there was one lady in front of him. she ordered a chocolate cone. the soda-jerk told her he's sorry but they have run out of chocolate.she said, "ok, then i'll have some chocolate." he told her, "lady, i'm out of chocolate." once again she said, "ok, i'll just have some chocolate." exasperated, he said, "lady, spell van as in vanilla." she spelled van. he said, "good, now spell straw as in strawberry." she spelled straw. he said, "good, now spell f*** as in chocolate." the lady said, "there is no f*** in chocolate." he replied, "that's what I'm trying to tell you."
Overworked
I have found out the real reason why I'm tired, because I'm overworked! The population of this countryis 237 million: 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federalgovernment. This leaves 19 million to do the work. 4 million are in the armed forces, which leaves 5 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for the city and stategovernment and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 people in hospitals so thatleaves 12,000 to do the work. Now there are 11,998 people in prison. That leaves 2 people to dothe work, You and Me... AND YOU'RE SITTING THERE SCREWING AROUND ON MY JOKEPAGE!
Life After Death
"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine ... " the boss went on.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she
stopped in to see you."
Doctors and Lawyers
Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middleseat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. Thephysician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again,the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the othershoe and spat in it. The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
STAFF NOTICE - TOILET POLICY
Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide more consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours, thus ensuring effective time management & equal treatmentof all In the future, the doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer linked voice recognition devices, which can only be activated to open at the sound of a person's voice. Staff must thereforeimmediately provide management with 2 voice prints, one in normal tone & one under stress/desperation. The following rules shall also apply: 1. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 22 toilet trip credits. 2. Once toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of thetoilet will not unlock to your voice until first day of next month. 3. All cubicles are to be equippedwith timed roll extractors. If stall occupied more than 3 minutes, alarm will sound. Paper will retract into dispenser 30 seconds later and toilet will flush and door will open. 4. If toilet remains occupied, your photo will be taken and appear on TOILET OFFENDERS board. 5. Anyone caught smiling willundergo counseling. 6. Be advised that workers comp insurance does not cover any injuriesincurred while trying to stop toilet paper retracting into dispenser, or keep door from opening.
Help Wanted
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual". The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow." |
Four Letter Word
Patient: During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word that upset me very much. Nurse: What word was that? Patient: "Oops!"
Last Day of Work
mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at
the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who
roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift
envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The
folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At
the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a
revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door
(which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where
she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he
had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast:
eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange
juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As
she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's
bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's
the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked
him what to give you. He said, 'SCREW him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was
my idea."
Office Prayer
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed meoff. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Lazziest
trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he
announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?"
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
The Funniest Video ever
description as shown on you tube:
hey guys in the title is extrating and this is a COMPLICATION of clips batched into one and plz no swearing(unless your saying it's good)
hey and i am working on new and edited version but i will be only avalabe on the funniest video ever website
and if you feel the last part offends you plz tell me but i would need atleast 1000 people complaining
Mistaken Identity
A drunken guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you,Batman!?"
Peanuts?
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "Say what?" replied the man in disbelief. "You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."
Ugly Chick
A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "Why? Was I weaving all over the road officer?" "No," replied, the policeman, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."
What is In Your Hand?
"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. "I got in a tiff with Riley." "Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand." "Aye, that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was." "Dear Lord, didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?" "Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
Scotch & Water
An old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her a drink she says, "It's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday." The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink. In fact I'll take care of this one for you." As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink too." The 80 year-old woman says, "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water." "Alright" says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one too." The old woman says, "Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water." "Comin' right up" the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?" The woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water!"
Bug on Windshield
A man and his wife are driving down the highway having a fight over the husband sleeping with another woman. The wife takes out a knife and cuts of the mans penis and throws it out the window. The penis splats onto the windshield of the car that is following and rolls off. The 14 year old girl riding with her dad says "What was that Dad?" The father says "It was just a bug honey". The daughter replies "Wow Dad, that bug sure had a big dick".
Top Ten Signs You're Not Watching A Real Baseball
10. You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier. 9. Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip. 8. They keep shouting "Do over!" 7. When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks at him as if the dude's speaking French. 6. Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals. 5. First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert. 4. Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner time!" 3. Players constantly adjusting each other's cups. 2. You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!" 1. They play like the Mets.
Switch jobs
And here in L.A., there's talk of a teachers' strike. You know, if they ever strike, here's what they should do: The striking teachers and the striking baseball players should switch jobs. You see, this way, the teachers would get paid what they deserve, and the players would get paid what they deserve.
He's so fast
Is your new striker fast?' `Is he fast? He's so fast, the rest of the team have to run twice as fast just to keep up with him!'
Holy Mother
A recent Irish League match between Newry and Larne, the visitors were awarded a penalty and the captain summoned his best player and said, 'I want you to take this one, Patrick. Just think hard as you kick -think which way the wind is blowing, and think which direction the keeper's going to jump.' 'Holy Mother!' said Patrick. 'Do you expect me to think and kick at the same time?'
Extra time first
It is said that in Ireland; if it looks like rain before a match, they play the extra time first.
Pools win won't change me
make any difference to your way of life?'
Pools winner: 'None at all. I shall carry on exactly as before.'
Reporter: 'But what about all the begging letters?'
Pools winner: 'Oh, I'll keep sending them out as usual.'
When you kick off
Over breakfast one morning, a little boy kept staring intently at his grandfather. '1s anything the matter, son?' the old man asked. 'No, Gramps. I was just wondering what position you play in the football team.' 'What are? You talking about?' laughed Gramps. 'I'm far too old to play football.' 'Oh,' said the little. Boy. 'It's just that Dad' said that when you kicked off, we'd be able to afford a new car.'
Cowley car plant
The following instruction recently appeared on the notice board of a large car factory in Cowley: ALL APPICATIONS FOR LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR FAMILY BEREAVE MENTS, SICKNESS, JURY DUTY, ETC., MUST BE HANDED IN TO THE PERSONNEL MANAGER NO LATER THAN 6 P.M. ON THE DAY PRECEDING THE MATCH.
What is football?
It has been described as a game with twenty-two players, two linesmen and 20,000 referees.
Mine
ball comes spinning towards them but the captain, who's also well placed to
receive the pass, shouts,
"Mine!", and both players hit the ground.
I've lost my dad
A small boy was crying his eyes out at a football match. Seeing his plight, a policeman came up to him and asked what the problem was. "I've lost my dad," cried the boy. "What's he like?" asked the policeman. "Beer, fags and women," said the boy.
Couldn't play without me
team. They said I was vital to the game.
They couldn't possibly play without me.
They needed me.
I was the only one with a football.
Couldn't play without me
When I was a young boy, all the other kids insisted that I was in the football team. They said I was vital to the game. They couldn't possibly play without me. They needed me. I was the only one with a football.
Picked for the school team
"Dad, dad!" cried Philip, as he arrived home one evening. "I think I've been selected for the school football team." "That's good," said his father. "But why do you only think you've been selected? Aren't you sure? What position are you playing?" "Well," replied Philip, "it's not been announced officially, but I overheard the football coach tell my teacher that if I was in the team I'd be a great draw-back."
Play every other match
`One match I play very well, and then the next match I'm terrible.'
'Well,' said his wife, `why don't you just play every other match?'
Eleven
The manager and coach of an Irish team were discussing the layers they had on their books and the manager asked, 'How many goals has O'Halloran scored this season?' 'Exactly double what he scored last season,' replied the coach. `Eleven.'
What was it at half-time?
Paddy: 'I couldn't get to the match last Saturday. What was the score?' Mick: 'Nil-nil.' Paddy: `What was it at half-time?'
1 pint of Guinness
Two Irish tram managers promised their players a 1 pint of Guinness for every goal they scored during an important match. The final score was 119-98.
Just so long
`I don't care about results!' said an Irish team manager being interviewed on television. 'Just so long as our team wins!'
YOU MIGHT ENJOY WRESTLING TOO MUCH IF..
* When you go to a Japanese restaurant, you start a "USA! USA!" chant. * When you girlfriend dumps you, you tell her she couldn't "play with the big boys," and that she will never get past mid-card status. * When you search and search the bible for the book of Austin. * If you can actually remember Sting's last public words. * If on a job application, you state your residence as "parts unknown." * If you quit your Job because you have to find your "Smile." * When you're getting beat up in a bar fight, but you honestly believe that with a little crowd support, you can turn this thing around. * If you hit your co-worker in head with a chair while your manager is distracting him. * When you look for Sting on the back of the milk carton during breakfast. * When a guy steals your girl, you consider it an angle. * When you rack your neighbor's dog. * When you attend a graduation, and yell "Ooooooh yeah!" when 'Pomp and Circumstance' plays. * When you are involved in a bar fight with a guy twice your size and you think your best line of attack is putting the Tongan death grip on him. * When you put up your wife or girlfriend up in a card game for 30 days if you lose. * When you go to a dance and start dancing like Alex Wright. * You watch car racing in order to see Bob "sparkplug" Holly * When you wear your Macho Man foam hat out in public. * When you win an award and immediately spray paint "nWo" on it. * When you rate women on a scale of Chyna to Sunny. * When you begin to shake someone's hand in public but then hesitate to look for the crowd's response. * When you get into a real fight and you blade. * When you do heel turns on your best friends for no reason. * If whenever you walk into a party you tell them to "cut the music." * When anytime anybody asks you a question, you "grab the mike" and yell, "MEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAN GEEEEEEEEEEEEEENEE!" * When you die you mustache blond while leaving your beard black. * If you keep waiting for run-ins during boxing matches. * After an argument with a friend, you shake hands, hug each other and then after you raise both yours and your friend's arms in the air, as he looks to the side, you clothesline him. * If you think John the Baptist Bladed. * If you wonder why Bob Backlund's campaign for the presidency never got any press. * If you carry a foreign object in your underwear. * When you go into work you insult everyone you see just to draw heat. * If you're a Honky Tonk Man impersonator instead of an Elvis impersonator. * If you wore spiked shoulder pads during a football game. * If you loose a job, you change your look and name before starting a new one. * If you find out that you have been fired by calling up the company's hotline. * If you purposely blade yourself while shaving. * If you suspect your best friend is just setting you up for a heel turn. * When before a fight, you give away a pair of sunglasses to a kid. * When you go to a funeral and assume that the deceased just lost a Casket Match. * When your king-size bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it. * If you paint your face and don't speak to your co-workers * When you go to your daughter's softball game and start a "we want blood" chant. * If you get into an argument with a friend at work and challenge him to a loser must retire match. * When you see a fight in the streets and call the moves. * If at a ceremony at your work to give out awards to the employee of the year, you "turn" and slam a chair across the recipient of the award's head...then you immediately grab the mic and start talking about how YOU deserved the award. * If you refer to all the women in your work area your valets. * When you keep flour in your underpants (just in case). * If you refer to The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal as rag sheets. * If you wondered why Vince didn't borrow money from Ted DiBiase to prevent WCW from "buying" its wrestlers. * You start every sentence with the words "Well, ya know, Mean Gene..." or "Let me tell ya something..." * You refer to everyone you talk to as "brother." * Every time you see someone yawning, you get an uncontrollable urge to thrust your fingers down their throat and screech uncontrollably. * Your children are named Crippler, Hitman, and Hollywood. * You get hoarse on purpose so you can sound like the Macho Man. * You hold a wrestling tournament for an aluminum foil belt. * You constantly play really bad air guitar on your foil belt that you cheated to win. * On Halloween, you pull a Jericho and steal all the trick-or-treaters' masks and then claim them as "prizes." * You get kicked off the school wrestling team for choke slamming your opponent. * You cried when the Giant went nWo. * You took bagpipe lessons just so you could play Roddy Piper's theme music. * You get in fights with people who say wrestling is fake. * You fenced in your bed, so it feels like being in a steel cage. * You throw your VCR away when you can't find Rick Steiner on your copy of "Gremlins." * Your best friend is a microphone. * After your parents ground you for a week, you refer to them as "heels." * You try to write to the admissions office at S.C.U. * You dress your dog up as a "Hulkamaniac." * You use the phrase "Too Sweet" more than 45 times daily. * You try to impress your friends by telling them Bobby Heenan jokes. * You honestly believe that "TBS" stands for "The Brain Station." * You think "No Holds Barred" should win an Oscar. * Your greatest accomplishment in life is mastering the sleeper hold. * You roped in your backyard and you get together with friends to throw chairs around. * You requested "3:16" as your new license plate. * You think a tilt-a-whirl looks fun. * You think that The Giant is a "sissy." * You put white-out on the faces of your action figures, and then draw black marks on their faces. * You give crotch chops to the opposing team during a softball game. * You feel sorry for jobbers. * You light your bed on fire and fight your brother in it. * Your teacher gives you detention, you give them a Stone Cold Stunner and walk out of class, flashing your middle fingers. * You leapfrog over people while playing football, then you turn around and clothesline them. * You publish a shirt that say's, "Jay Leno 1-0 Who's Next?" * Every time you sit down at a table you consider how easily it might break if you were to moonsault it. * You constantly deny that Brian Christopher is your son. * After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back. * You chokeslam your cat. * You elbow smash your dog and turn him/her over for the three counts. * Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a sleeper. * When you put your kids to bed, you tell them to "Rest In Peace." * You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask. * Instead of opening a can of tuna you open up a can of whoop ass on your cat. * In the school cafeteria, you come up behind a kid and hit him with a chair and look around for crowd responses. * You walk down the aisle at a church giving high fives as the people hold up signs and chant your name. * You won't come out of your room until your parents play your theme on the radio.
H I J K L M N O
There was a football coach that had a player on his team that was a bit low. The Dean told him that if the player could learn the formula for water, then he would be allowed to play in the big game. The day of the big game came and the Dean called the player into his office and asked him to recite the formula for water. The player grinned real big and said, "H I J K L M N O."
Gaelic football
Three football codes prevail in Ireland: Rugby, which is defined as a thugs' game played by gentlemen; soccer - a gentleman's game played by thugs; and Gaelic football - a thugs' game played by thugs!
Graffiti
At Swindon: SWINDON TOWN IS MAGIC! And underneath: WATCH THEM DISAPPEAR FROM THE SECOND DIVISION! Dumbarton, Scotland: JESUS SAVES! And underneath: DUMBARTON SHOULD SIGN HIM FOR GOAL! Second Division Club: STOCKTON -ON-TEAS FOR THE CUP! Republican area of Belfast: BRITS OUT! Under which someone had added: EXCEPT CHARLTON, SATTERS, TOWNSEND, SHEEDY AND ALDRIDGE
Chief worrier
A man applied to Sheffield Wednesday FC for a job on the administrative staff. 'What we're really looking for here,' said the chairman, 'is what you might call a "chief worrier"! Someone to worry about things like falling attendances, finances, league promotion, violence on the terraces, and so on. For a chap like that we'd be prepared to pay £75,000 a year. Interested?' 'Certainly,' said the applicant. 'But - you'll pardon me for saying this, I hope - where on earth is Sheffield Wednesday going to find that sort of money for a job like this?' 'Ah!' said the chairman. 'That would be your first worry.'
She's much better
A college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach said, "You're such a big guy--why did you marry such a petite woman? She's no bigger than your hand." "That's right, Coach," replied the lineman, "but she's much better!"
Just the reflection
Four women were out on the golf course, when one pointed out a white blur approaching from a' distance.. As it grew closer, they could see it was a streaker drawing near.. As the nude guy ran past the women one said, "My golly, which is that? Was that Dick Green??" Another answered, "I don't think so. I think it was just the reflection."
Footballing definitions
Football: A game consisting of 22 skilled players, one impartial referee, two eagle eyed referee's assistants and one stupid ball. Teammate: Another person that you have to dribble around Fans: Two sets of abusive referees Offside: The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are drawn towards. Scoring: When 11 men spontaneously start dancing and kissing, regardless of any injuries, whilst 11 others droop like wallflowers Striker: Faultless, overpaid, box hogging lay about whom only misses the goal when he is fed a bad ball Defender: Player who's function is to commit fouls just outside of the penalty area Ball: Round object used by referees to entice players into committing fouls.
SEX EDUCATION
PUPPY LOVE
Little Charlie and Sally were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Charlie went to Sally’s father to ask him for her hand. Charlie bravely walked up to him and said “Mr. Drew, me and Sally are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Drew replied, “Well Charlie, you are only 10. Where will you two live?” Without even taking a moment to think about it, Charlie replied “In Sally’s room. It’s bigger and we can both fit there nicely.”
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Drew said with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Sally.” Again, Charlie instantly replied, “Our allowance…Sally makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, and that’ll do us just fine.” By this time Mr. Drew was a little shocked that Charlie had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Charlie wouldn’t have an answer for. After a second, Mr. Drew said, “Well Charlie, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”
Charlie just shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far….”
Wednesday, May 6
WHEN FROG SAID NO
There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.
She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink 5 inches.
He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks “frog, will you marry me?”
The frog says “no” And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, “Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it’s still too big.” So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: “Frog, will you marry me?”
Frog: “No, I won’t marry you.”
The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But that’s still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: “Frog, will you marry me?”
Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!
PHONE A FRIEND
JUST A LIL ASSIGNMENT
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little CHARLIE , knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little CHARLIE walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what CHARLIE had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period,” reported CHARLIE. “Well I can see that,” she said, “But what is so exciting about a period.” “Damned if I know,” said CHARLIE , “But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”
PERVERT
A little boy is sitting in the barber’s chair and becoming anxious, so the barber gives him a tootsie roll to keep him quiet. As the barber trims his bangs, loose hair falls over his face. “Do you have hair on your goodie?” asks the barber. “Don’t be silly, you old pervert! I’m only eight years old!”
A TRIBAL DEATH
Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, “Death or Booka?!”. Well the explorer doesn’t want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the cheif then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.
The cheif calls the second explorer to the front and asks, “Death or Booka?!”. Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The cheif rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.
The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, “Death or Booka?!”. Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams “DEATH BY BOOKA!”
A SCARY HINT !!!!!
A hunter kills a deer and bring it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won’t eat it if they know what it is so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, “What’s for supper?” “You’ll see”, says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they’re eating. “Ok,” says her dad, “here’s a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me.” “We’re eating asshole!!”, she screams
IT’S A BOY!!!!!!!!
” OYE PUTTAR HUA HAI “.
The nurse screams in an irritated voice “LEAVE MY FINGER YOU FOOL”
A FAREWELL PARTY TO REMEMBER
t was the mailman’s last day of the
job after 35years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.When arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there,who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.
“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?” “Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.” He said, “Fuck him, give him a dollar.” The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”
SANTA AND THE BEGGAR
Santa Singh used to pass through a road while going home.There was a beggar sitting on the road.Whenever Santa used to pass through the road he used to give 1 rupee to the beggar.After a few years suddenly Santa stopped giving him 1 ruppe and started giving him 50 paise .The beggar was dissapointed but didn’t say anything to him.
Again after a year Santa started giving him 25 paise instead of 50 paise.The beggar got curious and asked Santa “BABUJI PEHLE AAP MUJHE 1 RUPAIYA DETE THE FIR MUJHE 50 PAISE DENE LAGE.AB ACHANAK 25 PAISE DE RAHE HO!!! KYA HUA BABUJI GAREEB KE PET PE LAAT KYON MAAR RAHE HO ?”
Santa replied “Bhai dekho pehle main akela rehta tha to mere uppar koi zimmedaari nahin thi.isliye main tumhe 1 rupaiya deta tha.fir meri shaadi ho gayi beewi agayi to kharccha badh gaya isliye tumko 50 paise dene laga aur ab mera beta ho gaya to isliye tumhe abse 25 paise diya karunga”
To this the beggar angrily retorted “ABE TO KYA APNE BIWI BACCHE KO MERE KHARCHE PE PAALEGA?”!!!!
that is love !
That is Love !
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up ayoung couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.
He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husbandmade his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don’t fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you.”
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: “Dear, I’m so relieved you feel that way. You’re right, he hasn’t seen a woman in years, but he wasn’t kissing my neck….He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you’re really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too.”
ghost hick
A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” Three students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further…..Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.” The student replies, “Ghost? Damn….. From back there I thought you said ‘goats’!”
ghost hick
A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” Three students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further…..Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.” The student replies, “Ghost? Damn….. From back there I thought you said ‘goats’!”
Regular Sex
Regular Sex
A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during theirhoneymoon.
When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o’clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15.
This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.
The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three. These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.
One germ said, “I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don’t think the antibiotics will find me there”.
A second exclaimed, “I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don’t think they’ll find me there.”
The last germ said, “I don’t know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I’m gonna be on it!”
FUNNY QUOTES
Relationships are hard
Room Mate Sex
The top 50 things to do or say when you wake up to your roommate having sex...
50. (the obvious) "Ooooooo."
49. "That works better the other way around."
48. Sniff, sniff. "Is something burning?"
47. "Damn, that's complicated"
46. "Wait, wait, here take my pillow."
45. "All right, already. _I_ came!"
44. "You guys need a value pak."
43. Smoke a pipe, every once in a while wave it around and say, "Good show, old bean!"
42. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"
41. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."
40. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."
39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change position.
38. "You know, they say that three's a charm."
37. Suggest your favorite position.
36. Shine a flashlight at them. "This is a citizen's arrest, assume the positition."
35. "Bring in the Gimp!"
34. "Hold that pose!"
33. Sit up and bounce vigorously on your bed, clapping and squealing with joy.
32. Start singing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."
31. Sing "Shake your bootie."
30. "A little to the left."
29. "Is that a penis in your girlfriend, or are you just happy to see me?"
28. "Is there room for two in there?"
27. "Two words: penis extension."
26. Invite others in as a cheering section.
25. Charge admission at the door.
24. Make and hold up score cards.
23. All of them should read 6.9.
22. Whip out pen and paper and take notes.
21. "Maybe it would help if you..."
20. "That reminds me of a joke I heard."
19. "That's what you call erect?"
18. "Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"
17. Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plastic?"
16. Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."
15. "Use the Heimlich; she's got something caught in her throat!"
14. "May I cut in?"
13. "That's illegal in Arkansas."
12. "Holy whips and chains, Batman!"
11. Scream at the top of your lungs. When they ask what's wrong say you thought you were having a nightmare.
10. "Look, if you insist on me being part of this, let me at least get her for a few minutes!"
9. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.
8. Recite Condom Month slogans. i.e. 'Pack you wiener before you bean her.' and 'Wrap you wacker before you pack her.'
7. "Let's make a sandwich!"
6. "Is that hard enough for you?"
5. "I'm going to the water fountain, can I get you anything?"
4. "I think you dropped something."
3. "So, you like to eat at the Y?"
2. Grab your camcorder and ask, "How much do you think they'd pay to see this on Pay-per-view?"
1. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"