Software development cycle

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

7. Users find 137 new bugs.

8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

The Ten Commandments for C Programmers

1. Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements with care, for verily its perception and judgement oft exceed thine.

2. Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness await thee at its end.

3. Thou shalt cast all function arguments to the expected type if they are not of that type already, even when thou art convinced that this is unnecessary, lest they take cruel vengeance upon thee when thou least expect it.

4. If thy header files fail to declare the return types of thy library functions, thou shalt declare them thyself with the most meticulous care, lest grievous harm befall thy program.

5. Thou shalt check the array bounds of all strings (indeed, all arrays), for surely where thou typest “foo” someone someday shall type “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”.

6. If a function be advertised to return an error code in the event of difficulties, thou shalt check for that code, yea, even though the checks triple the size of thy code and produce aches in thy typing fingers, for if thou thinkest “it cannot happen to me”, the gods shall surely punish thee for thy arrogance.

7. Thou shalt study thy libraries and strive not to re-invent them without cause, that thy code may be short and readable and thy days pleasant and productive.

8. Thou shalt make thy program’s purpose and structure clear to thy fellow man by using the One True Brace Style, even if thou likest it not, for thy creativity is better used in solving problems than in creating beautiful new impediments to understanding.

9. Thy external identifiers shall be unique in the first six characters, though this harsh discipline be irksome and the years of its necessity stretch before thee seemingly without end, lest thou tear thy hair out and go mad on that fateful day when thou desirest to make thy program run on an old system.

10. Thou shalt foreswear, renounce, and abjure the vile heresy which claimeth that “All the world’s a VAX”, and have no commerce with the benighted heathens who cling to this barbarous belief, that the days of thy program may be long even though the days of thy current machine be short.

Operating systems as beers

DOS Beer — Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it’s no longer available.

Mac Beer — At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a “light” beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that “you don’t need to know.” A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer — The world’s most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer’s. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer — Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won’t explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer — You can’t buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it’s wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer’s can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer — Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer’s, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer’s - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an “industrial strength” beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer — Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer — The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn’t understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn’t changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer — Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents.

You have an Internet addiction when . . .

You kiss your girlfriend’s home page.

A VRML virtual walk through a park is your idea of a good date.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8…ISDN…cable modem…T1…T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as “Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you’ve never had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a pageful of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has its own home page.

Your dog’s homepage is actually good.

You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem.

You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you he’s had the beard for 2 months.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” and you don’t even have a job.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”

You get a tatoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher.”

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP…because you never log off.

The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button

Microsoft versus GM

Microsoft vs. GM

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.”

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, “Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?”

And…

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought “Car95″ or “CarNT”. But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say, “Are you sure?” before going off.

Microsoft runs the I.R.S.

If Microsoft Ran The IRS

“Government should be run like a business.” We’ve all heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue Service (nobody’s favorite government agency) would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a successful private enterprise).

– The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before the new year. However it will follow Microsoft’s example and actually ship them the following May.

– Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users’ group, some early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients must sign non-disclosure agreements.

– In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for appropriating some other country’s intellectual property.

– When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices.

– When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also you need to send in a new registration card and get a new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you have to submit the original first page of your previous year’s form.

– Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the the prior year is no longer supported.

– The IRS telephone help will remain similar to Microsoft’s, staffed by ill-trained, high-turnover personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free phone number.

– After struggling with reams of dense documentation of complex options and rules, you discover that you will need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long title, in order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question. The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40 for that publication.

– The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should be neither easily searchable nor well-indexed.

– Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for- profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice.

– The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely kept secret until they are published.

A husband with a computer addiction

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn’t mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I’m sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn’t be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George–err–Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she’ll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love,
Your Wife

Real software engineers

Real software engineers eat quiche.

Real software engineers don’t read dumps. They never generate them, and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused.

Real software engineers don’t comment their code. The identifiers are so mnemonic they don’t have to.

Real software engineers don’t write applications programs, they implement algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help with, that’s nice. Don’t ask them to write the user interface, though.

If it doesn’t have recursive function calls, real software engineers don’t program in it.

Real software engineers don’t program in assembler. They become queasy at the very thought.

Real software engineers don’t debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn’t necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.

Real software engineers like C’s structured constructs, but they are suspicious of it because they have heard that it lets you get “close to the machine.”

Real software engineers play tennis. In general, they don’t like any sport that involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range of a shower. (Thus mountain climbing is Right Out.) They will occasionally wear their tennis togs to work, but only on very sunny days.

Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity, but they find it difficult to actually program in. They don’t tell this to their friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow Unworthy.

Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an undocumented external procedure.

Real software engineers write in languages that have not actually been implemented for any machine, and for which only the formal spec (in BNF) is available. This keeps them from having to take any machine dependencies into account. Machine dependencies make real software engineers very uneasy.

Real software engineers don’t write in ADA, because the standards bodies have not quite decided on a formal spec yet.

Real software engineers like writing their own compilers, preferably in PROLOG (they also like writing them in unimplemented languages, but it turns out to be difficult to actually RUN these).

Real software engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN and BASIC. PL/I is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined enough; far too much built in function.

Real software engineers aren’t too happy about the existence of users, either. Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the implementation and verification of algorithms is all about.

Real software engineers don’t like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual at ALL levels. They would like personal computers (you know no one’s going to trip over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages.

Real software engineers think better while playing WFF ‘N’ PROOF.

The computer prayer

Our Morning Prayer . . .

Our Hard Drive

Which art internal

Volume C by name;

Thy code be clean,

Thy fonts be seen

On screen as they are on paper.

Give us this day our documents,

And lead us not into fragmentation

But deliver us our data.

For thine is the SCSI,

And the EISA, and the NuBus,

Forever and Ever,

Amen.

New Microsoft Windows advertising slogans

At the time of writing, Microsoft’s slogan for Windows 95 was “Where do you want to go today?” These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

1. Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 give you the whole house.

2. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.

3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.

4. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.

5. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.

6. Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.

7. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.

8. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.

9. I’ll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I’m trying.

10. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better

11. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.

12. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!

13. OS/2. Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.

14. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [A]solutely [O]f Course!

15. How do you want to crash today?

Purchasing furniture

I work as a systems administrator, and part of m job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:

Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute “furniture store” if you don’t know what “Ikea” is). You get a phone call that goes like this.

Customer: I’d like to buy a kitchen table.

You: That’s fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I’m sure you can find one you like.

C: I need one that’s 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.

Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.

C: OK, how can I get it back to my house?

Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don’t have one.

C: But how do get there?

Y: We’re just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?

C: Wait, wait, you’re going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?

And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:

C: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so *COMPLICATED*!

10 signs You are an

10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is “Hi, what’s your URL?”

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You’re amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as “my lady@home.wife” and refer to your children as “client applications”.

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server”.

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, “I feel so colon-right parentheses!”

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: “Pizza’s Here!”

A pilot was flying a small

A pilot was flying a small charter plane
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. He began circling around looking for a landmark.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. He banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, “Hey where am I?” to which the man replies, “You’re in an airplane.”

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. “Quite easy,” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East.”

Calling Technical Support

Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people who are even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity.

In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58-digit product identification number on to your telephone, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface possible to prevent being seen. Please note that you made need a size 11 3/4 torx screwdriver which may only be available from your original equipment manufacturer.

Do that NOW!

Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever gets to your call.

If you were an inconsiderate jerk — we mean forgetful customer — and threw away your original packing materials, please call the company that sent you the computer and ask them to resend you the empty box with the plastic bubbles, fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that they recycle. We will hold your place in line on the phone while you wait for your boxes to be delivered. (yeah right !) …

It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other electronics-related firm in the industrialized world. (we all talk you know)…

Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have, please press the numeral “one” on your telephone touch pad.

If not, press the numeral “two.” If you are not sure, using the letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: “I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live.” Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway. …

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours.

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions: 1. If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer? 2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? 3. Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? 4. Have I consulted my manual? 5. Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk? 6. Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can’t stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes? 6. Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack?

If you can not honestly answer “yes” to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours. You must be really be so bored that you have to call technical support just to have someone to speak to about geek stuff. …

Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout “Yes! Yes! Yes!” into the telephone now. This will not cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers. …

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our System has been overloaded, and unfortunately you have lost your place in line. Please push “one” if you would like to be connected again to technical Support

1

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery.

As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product users.

Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems arise.

Computer Heaven and Hell

Computer Heaven and Hell
In computer heaven the management is from Intel,
the design and construction is done by Apple,
the marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
and Gateway determines the pricing.
In computer hell the management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
the support is from Gateway, and
Intel sets the price.

Crazy Times Virus

If you receive an email entitled “Crazy Times” delete it immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
1) It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

2) It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

3) It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play.

4) It will re-calibrate your refrigerator’s coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

5) It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law’s number.

6) This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

7) It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

9) Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

10) It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

11) It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

12) It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

13) It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

14) If the “Crazy Times” message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

15) It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.

16) It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

1 It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.(Remember Brut 33 ?)

It is insidious and subtle.

It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection.

Error Messages

Microsoft is trying to add some humor to its error messages in Windows 2000 and up. Here are a couple of examples:
* Printer not responding; Got a pen and paper handy?
* 3 things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss.
*Guess which has occured?

Happily Addicted to the Web!

Happily Addicted to the Web
(Sung to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)

Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,
I’m happy–although
My boss let me go–
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me,Saying, “Yo, man!
Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”
With a listless shrug, I mutter, “No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!”

I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web!

How It All Began…

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?” And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, Dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known “eBay” he said, “we need a name that reflects what we are,” and Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”

“YAHOO”, said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasn’t Al Gore after all.

If Restaurants Functioned

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.
Patron: No, it’s still there.
Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try
eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What
kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration
problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to
do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you
noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup
of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.
I’m running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup
and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.
Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

Microsoft Husbands

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?
Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.

And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying “Don’t worry, it’ll be up any minute now….”

New Win98 Error Codes

The Latest Report on Windows98: New Error Codes Assigned

Winerr 000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything
Winerr 001 - Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly
Winerr 002 - Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)
Winerr 003 - RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)?
Winerr 004 - Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error
Winerr 005 - Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename
Winerr 006 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash
Winerr 007 - Alphanumeric Sequence “OS2″ Prohibited
Winerr 008 - This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy
Winerr 009 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors
Winerr 00A - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered
Winerr 00B - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement
Winerr 00C - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time
Winerr 00D - User Error; Lemming Not Found
Winerr 00E - Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize
Winerr 00F - Reserved for Future Coding Errors
Winerr 010 - Virus Error - Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead
Winerr 011 - Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN
Winerr 012 - Cash Underflow - Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated
Winerr 013 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down
Winerr 014 - User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue
Winerr 015 - Error Message Deleted
Winerr 016 - Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence
Winerr 017 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused
Winerr 018 - Network Error - Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations
Winerr 019 - Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue
Winerr 01A - Insult Detected — Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted
Winerr 01B - Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted
Winerr 01C - Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.
Winerr 01D - Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota
Winerr 01E - Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here
Winerr 01F - Error In Progress; Please Wait….
Winerr 020 - Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember
Winerr 021 - Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error
Winerr 022 - Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything

ONE DAY A BOY WAS TAKING

ONE DAY A BOY WAS TAKING A SHOWER WITH HIS MOTHER AND HE SAYS ”MOMMY WHAT ARE THOSE”? SHE REPLIES..”OH THOSE ARE MY HEAD LIGHTS”THE BOY THEN AGAIN ASKS ”MOMMY WHATS THAT”? SHE THEN REPLIES ”OH THATS MY GARDEN” THE BOY SAYS THANKS AND HOPS OUT OF THE SHOWER.
THE NEXT DAY THE BOY TAKES A SHOWER WITH HIS DAD.THE BOT THEN ASKS HIS DAD ”DADDY WHATS THAT”? THE FATHER REPLIES ”OH THATS MY SNAKE”THE BOY SAYS THANKS AND HOPS OUT OF THE SHOWER. THAT NIGHT THE BOY HAD A BAD DREAM SO HE WENT INTO HIS PARENTS ROOM SNEAKS UNDER THE SHEETS AND SAYS”MOMMY MOMMY QUICK TURN ON YOUR HEAND LIGHTS THERES A SNAKE IN YOUR GARDEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snapple

Bill Gates to his broker:
“You bought a $150 million of WHAT?!?!? I said SNAPPLE!!!!”

Stranded

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life- until the boat sank.

He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies… Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”

“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she says. “I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” he says. “You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.”

“O, this?” replies the woman. “I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“But-but, that’s impossible,” stutters Ed. “You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replies the woman. “On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”

Ed is stunned. “Let’s row over to my place,” she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?”

“No, no thank you,” he says, still dazed. “Can’t take any more coconut juice.”

“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replies. “I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.”

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

“WOW! This woman is amazing,” he muses, “What next?” When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for a really long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months. You know…” She stares into his eyes.

He can’t believe what he’s hearing: “You mean—”, he swallows excitedly, “I can check my e-mail from here….?”

The Hunting

There was this Hawaiian and fillipino man that wanted to learn how to hunt. So they met this indian man, the indian man took them to a forest and pitched a camp.

The next day they woke up the indian man came back with a huge bear over his shoulder. So the hawaiian and fillipino told the indian man how did you catch that bear the indian said when you go into the forest you look for the track and keep following it and there you will find what you are hunting for, so the hawaiian said my turn to go.

When he went into the forest he came back after two hours with a huge boar. so the fillipino man ask the Hawiian how you caught that Boar he said I did what the Indian said. So the next morning the fillipino got up and said it ’s my turn so he went and he saw the biggest track ever so he followed it , after two hours the fillipino never came back then all of a sudden they here the fillopino coming through the bushes all cut up brusded up they asked him what happend he said I did what you guys said I when follow the track and follow the track and the fricken train when bang me.

Top 15 Signs That

Top 15 Signs That You’ve Had Too Much Of the 90’s

15. You try to enter your password on the microwave

14. You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

13. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

12. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back ”What’s for dinner?”

11. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

10. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

9. Your daughter just bought on CD, all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.

8. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.

7. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for half the price you paid.

6. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

5. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of you car.

4. Your reason for not staying in touch with your family is that they do not have e-mail address.

3. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

2. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

And the Number 1 sign that your had too much of the 90’s….

1. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

What if Operating Systems Were Airlines

UNIX Airways

Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport.They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides; then they jump on and letthe plane coast until it hits the ground again. They then push again, jumpon again, and so on…

Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look andact exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you aregently but firmly told that you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air

The airport terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easybaggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutesin the air the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows 98 Recall

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the West Virginia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside West Virginia. If you have one of the West Virginia editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The West Virginia edtion may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol’ Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as Four Wheel Drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
And instead of an error message, you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

Other features:
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes D shore
no = naaaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done

Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 98:
tiperiter = a word processor
colering book = a graphics program
addin mershene = calculator
scratch paper = notepad
jupe-box = CD player
inner-net = microsoft explorer
pichers = a graphics viewer
IRS = M/S accounting software
IRS2 = M/S accounting sofware with hidden files
coon dog = American Kennel Club records
fishin = Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records
NRA = National Rifle Association
shot gun = Remington arms price list
riffel = Winchester price list
pisstel = Smith and Wesson price list
truck = Ford and Chevrolet dealers in Kentucky by zip code
house = nearest mobile home repair service by zip code
car = same as truck
cuzzins = family history (usuall a 3 meg file)
tax records = usually an empty file
shells ammunition inventory (another 3 meg file)
bud = list of Budweiser sellers by zip code
racin = NASCAR racing schedule includes a list of tv stations that carry the races car n truck parts = nearest junk yard by zip code
doc = vetrinarians by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the West Virginia edition. You may return it to Micrsosoft for a replacement version

There are two pieces

There are two pieces of tarmac sitting by the side of the bar, and they are having a drinking contest, to see which one is the hardest.
After 12 shots of vodka, both pieces of tarmac are still unfazed, when suddenly the door opens and a red piece of tarmac walks in.
Upon which seeing the red piece of tarmac, one piece of tarmac runs into the john.
An hour later, he ventures out and discovers that the red piece of tarmac has left, so he ventures out and upon seeing the other piece of tarmac, he is asked why he ran off.
To this he replies ”Haven’t you heard about him?, He’s a CYCLE-PATH !!!!!!”

Trouble at the local bar…

A guy goes into a bar and says, “Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!” The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast. “Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!”
The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast. “Quick another beer before the trouble starts!”
The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast. “Quick another beer before the trouble starts!”
The barman replies, “Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?”

“I haven’t got any money!”

Another small joke

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducked.

Stages of Drunkeness

0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.

5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.

6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.

7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, “That’s much better”. Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender’s wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can’t get key in door. Realize you’ve given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

Best friend

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he’s okay. “No, I’m not,” the guy replies.

“I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend.”

“Well,” asks the bartender, “what did you say to your wife?”

“Nothing. I’m not speaking to that bitch anymore.”

“Well, what did you say to your best friend?”

“BAD DOG! BAD DOG!”

3 Bad Mice

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, “I play with mouse traps for fun. I’ll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.” And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, “That’s nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it.”

And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, “Where the hell are you going?”

The third mouse stops and replies, “I’m going home to fuck the cat.”

Squeezing the lemon

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out of the squeezed lemon would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and several tablespoons worth fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living?”

The man replied, ‘I work for the IRS.”

Three ducks were sitting at a bar…

and the bartender came over to the first duck and says:
“what’s your name and what’ve you been doing” the duck says ” my names Heuie and I’ve been jumping in puddles” ,then the bartender goes over to the second duck and asks, what’s your name and what’ve you been doing”, the second duck says “my names Duie and I’ve been jumping in puddles”, then the bartender goes over to the last duck and says “don’t tell me your name is Louie and you’ve been jumping in puddles” the duck replies: “no, my names Puddles and I’ve been having a bad day”!!!

Y2k problem slovedc

The Office of Institutional Computing has defined a lower cost alternative for Desktop conversions that also addresses the Year 2000 issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999.

Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this: Y2K problems No technical glitches, keeping work from being done. No more wasted time reading and writing emails. Substantial hardware cost savings.

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I do?
Pick it up and shake it

How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
Pick it up and shake it

What’s the short cut for Undo?
Pick it up and shake it

How do I create a New Document window?
Pick it up and shake it

How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
Pick it up and shake it

What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
Pick it up and shake it

How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
Pick it up and shake it

How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
Don’t shake it.

Y2k problem slovedc

The Office of Institutional Computing has defined a lower cost alternative for Desktop conversions that also addresses the Year 2000 issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999.

Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this: Y2K problems No technical glitches, keeping work from being done. No more wasted time reading and writing emails. Substantial hardware cost savings.

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I do?
Pick it up and shake it

How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
Pick it up and shake it

What’s the short cut for Undo?
Pick it up and shake it

How do I create a New Document window?
Pick it up and shake it

How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
Pick it up and shake it

What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
Pick it up and shake it

How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
Pick it up and shake it

How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
Don’t shake it.

Is windows a virus

No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It’s a bug.

Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”

The young engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

One programmer asks another one:

One programmer asks another one:
“Did you happen to fuck?”
“Yes! Once I was setting up Windows95 for the whole night!”
“Oh no! I mean the real fucking.”
“You mean NT, right?”

Statistics show that.......

Statistics show that computer programmers under 30 name most programs after their girlfriends; between 30 and 50, after their favorite alcoholic beverages; and above 50, with the names of diseases.

Not another virus

If you receive an email entitled “Badtimes” delete it immediately. Do not open it! It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator’s coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law’s number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change theinterpretations of key sentences.

If the “Badtimes” message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection…

Tech Support

Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:

1.Compaq is considering changing thecommand “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood ofcalls asking where the “Any” key is.

2.AST technical support had a callercomplaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turnedout to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3.Another Compaq technician receiveda call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from hisold diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem,it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into thetypewriter to type the labels.

4.Another AST customer was asked tosend a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from thecustomer along with photocopies of the floppies.

5.A Dell technician advised hiscustomer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customerasked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossingthe room to close the door to his room.

6.Another Dell customer called tosay he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting,the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it infront of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.

7.Yet another Dell customer calledto complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tubwith soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys andwashing them individually.

8.A Dell technician received a callfrom a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and aninvalid”. The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and”invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.

9.A confused caller to IBM washaving troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it”couldn’t find printer”. The user had also tried turning the computer screen toface the printer - but that his computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.

10.An exasperated caller to DellComputer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring thecomputer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the powerbutton. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothinghappens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.

11.Another customer called Compaqtech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked theunit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. Whenasked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked “What powerswitch?”

12.True story from a Novell NetWireSysOp:

Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”
Tech: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”
Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”
Tech: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”
Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”
Tech: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”
Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.” At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

13.Another IBM customer had troublesinstalling software and rang for support. “I put in the first disk, and that was OK.It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said toput in the third disk - I couldn’t even fit it in…” The user hadn’t realized that”Insert Disk 2″ meant to remove Disk 1 first.

14.In a similar incident, a customerhad followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove thedisk from it’s cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casingof the disk and wondered why there were problems.

As Ripley would say, believe it ornot!

But how do I know

Tech Support: “What does the screen say now.”
Person: “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.”
Tech Support: “Well?”
Person: “How do I know when it’s ready?”

Computer jokes

"Do you turn on your computer with your left hand or your right hand?" " My right hand." " Amazing!Most people have to use the on/off switch."

Computer helpline? Everytime I log onto the seven dwarfs website my computer screen goes snow white....

Customer: I cleaned my computer and now it doesn't work any more. Repairman: What did you clean it with? Customer: Soap and water. Repairman: Don't you know you're not supposed to touch a computer with water? Customer: Oh, it wasn't the water that caused the problem...it was the spin dryer!

Customer: I think I've got a bug in my computer. Repairman: Does your computer make a humming noise? Customer: Yes. Repairman: Then it must be a humbug!

Did you hear about the monkey who left bits of his lunch all over the computer? His dad went bananas.

Does the school computer have a brother? No, but it's got lots of tran-sisters.

Excuse me, this computer has a cake instead of a plug. Yes, sir, it's a currant bun.

Helpline? I've just pushed a piece of bacon into my disk drive! Has the computer stopped working? No, but there's a lot of crackling.

How did you get so good at computers? I went to night school.

How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out? Hide their trainers.

Doctor Doctor

Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse. Take one of these every 4 laps !

Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar  Don't worry you'll soon change !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog ! Sit !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog. Sit on the couch and we will talk about it. But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog What's wrong with that  I think I'm going to croak

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito Go away, sucker !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a nit  Will you get out of my hair !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a snake about to shed it's skin Why don't you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a spider What a web of lies !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm  How boring for you !

A man and a woman

A man and a woman, who had never met before,found themselves
assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental
train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
the two
were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and
she in
the lower.

At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the
woman,saying, ??

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be kind
enough to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully
cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, why
don't we
pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he is excited.

"Good," she replies. "Get up and get your own damn
blanket.!!"

Dominated and Dominated

Men on earth die and go to heaven.

God comes and says," I want the men to form two queues


one line for the men who dominated their women, and the other one for the
men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away 
so that no man and woman can talk."

Next time God comes back, the women are gone, and there are two lines.


The line for the men who were dominated by their women is 100 miles long,
and in the line of men who dominated their women there is only one man. 

God gets mad and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created
you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates.

Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from 
him!

Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

3 sardars

A policeman was interrogating 3 SARDARS who were training to become

detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first SARDAR a
picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" 
The first SARDAR answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he
only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is
his side profile." 
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for
5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him,
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy 
to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of
course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his
side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" 
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third
SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks,
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds,
"Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." 
The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
"The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know
himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. 
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I
check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in 
his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact
lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" 
scroll down for the answer





"That's easy," the SARDAR replied.

"He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."